[AlittleBITofCrazy]

I am stepmom to a very independent two-going on three year old. Background on him is for the first few months of his life, his incubator didn't do anything for him, daddy got up at night for feedings, calmings etc. Eventually he kicked her out and she took the baby with her. She sold all his toys, bottles and stuff so she could pocket the money. She has a drug problem, although one day she admits it and then the next she says she was joking, and claims to be bi-polar. When he was 6 months he got taken away from her, as did her other kids, so he was with her for about two months. After he was taken away from her, he spent a month with his step sister's granny, who is lovely. When the court case was over he came to dad and his granny. He was very well looked after, finally fed properly, got attention and love. Granny does as grannies do and spoiled him a bit, sh with her he will be very demanding and volatile. According to dad, the biological mother was not on drugs during pregnancy, he made very sure of it.

I moved in just before his first birthday. I got him off the bottle, got him to sleep the night through. He is very attached to granny, as she was his mother figure. He cries for her a lot, and will tantrum to be with her. At this stage, I see it as he knows he can get what he wants with her, so he wants her. He is now going to be three this year.

The reason I need help is because of his behavior. He has no attachment issues, as he can go to bed by himself, goes to school no problem, he is fine playing by himself etc. Sometimes he wakes up whining. There are no tears, but the crying noises are there and he will not stop. I don't want to coddle him because then he will learn that if he cries, I will baby him, but at the same time I don't want to be too harsh. I cannot stand the whining, but I know this is a phase that children go through. I tell him to stop whining or else I will not listen to him, if he speaks to me properly, I will listen. Sometimes he listens, other times he doesn't. If he doesn't, I put him in his room for a time out, or if I have the patience, I just ignore him until he gets over it. Sometimes this can go on for hours, with screaming. I don't shout, I speak to him as I would an adult. Again, if he is feeling insecure about something, I want him to feel safe with me, but what if he is just being otherwise and it is a tantrum?

Another thing he does is ask for something, like a sandwich, or a drink or a toy, but when I hand it to him, he refuses to take it. So I put it away and he screams his head off. I hand it back, but he still won't take it. I explain to him that if he does not take it, I will put it away/in the bin and he will not get it. I notice he is watching to see what I do, but I always follow through with my word and put it away. Then the tantrum gets bad. I don't know how to handle this, as it has happened many times, and he still pushes boundaries. As if he hasn't learned that I do what I say.

He also bites, pinches or smacks me sometimes. What he does to me, I do back, just softer. I don't understand how he can be so stubborn for so long. And his moods are volatile. I have always been consistent in my parenting, I have rules, and they are not broken (sometimes bent slightly if he is sick or sad), but I know routine and consistency are as important to a child as love and care. He seems to be a much more stable child with me and dad than he is with granny, if she is visiting, he gets very moody and demanding and whiny.

He barely ever sees his biological mother, she has no interest in him unless, in my opinion, she feels depressed and useless and she needs to feel important so she will come visit, which has been once in a year. We don't talk about her, in his eyes, I am his mommy, he calls me mommy. Am I being too harsh on him? A wicked stepmother? Or must I just wait it out and see if it gets better, or would a play therapist be suggested? At school he is fine, he occasionally fights, which is normal, but he isn't a problem. Seems to be just at home. Any advice would be appreciated! Sorry for the long post.

[Perna]

He still seems pretty young and language and communication are still pretty new. Maybe you can give him some choices instead of just yes/no, make it a little more complicated for him but where he does not lose out completely? If he is just trying to communicate, "get a conversation going" it has to be frustrating to be taken literally maybe. When he is whiny, I would talk to him as my own voice would certainly be better than his whining?

I would put food or whatever he requests down in front of him, let him manipulate it rather than insist he take it from you directly or make the interaction more complicated by asking where he wants to eat or telling him what you want/are going to eat :-) or do, etc. I think at this age it could be still some of the moving forward from pure crying to express needs; it is surprising how a mother can tell a "hungry" cry from a "change my diaper" cry from a "pick me up" cry, etc. Now we have words but it does not happen all at once or completely where he can wake up and say, "Good morning, I had a scary time waking up, it was really quiet and I was afraid everyone had left, can you please sing to me a bit and reassure me that it is all going to be okay?"

[googley]

A couple of things:
1) Attachment issues can be present even when a child can go to bed and school without problems. So even though he goes to bed fine he might have attachment issues from going back and forth between different caregivers in his young life. And you don't know what he experienced while he was in his biological mother's care.
2) I know the community mental health centers around me (don't know about other parts of the country) have what are called infant mental health programs. They are programs to help children ages 0-6 and their families. There doesn't have to be a problem to participate, it can just be as assistance/prevention. For all that young babies sleep and eat, cry and play and poop, a lot of development is happening at that time.
3) You are right about the need for consistency. However, I would suggest against hitting, pinching, biting him back because he does. This teaches him that it is okay to do to someone what they do to you. And I assume that isn't what you want to be teaching him. Instead let him know verbally that he is hurting you (even if it doesn't actually hurt) and then give him a time out.
4) When he becomes upset/emotional try to verbalize for him what he might be feeling. Since he is still young he will be having trouble verbalizing his feelings. Help him calm down so that he can talk about his feelings with you. He needs you to help him be able to regulate at his age. So if you can figure out the cues he gives off to tell you he is starting to become emotional you can step in and help him regulate before he becomes violent. It can be hard to figure out what those are. Start with triggers. Sometimes it can help to see if he becomes upset in similar situations, times of day, etc. HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired is a good starting point and move out from there.

Good luck.

[Verity81]

The replies above are great ideas to try out. I to am a stepmother to two girls aged 6 & 8. We have shared custody. I think you are doing really well so far and have a lot more confidence than I have had as a stepmum! The girls are lovely and we have a good relationship but I still get anxious about whether I'm doing things right and of corse like all kids they can play up and do my head in lol.

It's helpful for me to know other stepmums are having there own battles etc and I'm not alone and we can support each other

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You have described a child that has a LOT of fear in his life.

You should NEVER under ANY circumstances bite, pinch, or hit him - even if it's "softer"!!!!! All you're doing is teaching the child to continue the unwanted behavior. How terribly confused he must feel.

He is TWO years old...he should have a safe, loving, secure, gentle environment with a bottle if he wants one (I do not understand why the rush to get him off the bottle?), warm blankets to snuggle with, love, love, and more love. And firm, patient, calm, gentle discipline when necessary. He needs to be gently taught to verbalize his feelings and thoughts and he needs to be heard.

Treat that toddler as you would want to be treated. Exactly, and without exception. He desperately needs consistency, love, gentle patience, and nurturing.

I strongly encourage you and your husband to take your little one to a play therapist so he can learn how to identify and express his feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

[healingme4me]

^^bottles because it can cause tooth decay, as told by pediatricians. Sippy cups, I think, if I recall, until 3?

Agree, when children do, get physically aggressive, best to not mimic that, trying to think how I handle it..it involves 'we don't hit, we don't kick, we don't pinch, no, no, no...it's ok I think, to grab wrist and bring down to their sides. with a no...

I, stopped playing the food game, myself. If ask for something, it is placed on the counter, for them to grab, when ready.

No, I feel you are not a wicked stepmum, what an amazing heart to take under your wing a child that has had such a tough go at it, already. And to have the patience for the tantrums. It can be exhausting, but each day can bring both beauty and well, exhaustion.