Getting back on track...

Myself and my daughter left my husband back in October because he was abusive toward me. Over the holidays he had calmed down and we were trying to be civil. I agreed to let her spend Christmas with him and his family since he would be in Iraq next Christmas and was in Iraq last Christmas. He put up a fight begging to keep her for 2 whole weeks, I agreed.

I picked her up Saturday. Since I picked her up, myself and the people around us, are noticing a huge difference in the way my daughter behaves. She used to act like a typical 2 year old (she's 22 months) and would throw a fit but she would just cry for a second, throw a toy on the ground and get over it. Her temper tantrums never lasted that long. She was so nice, so well behaved... Docs and therapists have always commented on how well behaved she was, even the day I dropped her off with my ex. She was always giving kisses and hugs, played by herself really well and would hardly ever hit anyone and only if it was in self defense because her 24 month old cousin likes to hit her a lot.

When she got back her attitude changed a lot. She hits me and throws things at me, she screams as loud as she can, tells me no, bangs her head on anything and everything, pulls hair and hits everyone, kids included, kids who are playing with her and being nice to her. She's so mean now, to everyone. When she doesn't have her way she goes crazy and wont stop screaming and hitting until she gets what she wants. I try to ignore her acting out, show that it isn't the right way to get attention but it's not working. I tried to put her in time out and that was a whole ordeal there.

She hit her cousin so I put her in time out. She cried and started banging her head and kicking and slapping me. I stood up and turned my back to her to keep her where she was but show her acting out wouldn't get her what she wanted. Eventually she calmed down after hitting me for about 5 minutes and banging her head. Than I turn around to let her know it's OK to get out of time out and she jerks away from me and curls up into a ball hiding her head in her hands. She's only 22 months old, she shouldn't know a self defense move like that at such a young age. She looked like she was genuinely scared of me. I picked her up and felt bad so I hugged her and she held on to my neck with extreme force for a very long time.

That part worries me about her. With her attitude completely different, her being mean now and the way she was acting, I'm wondering if maybe they were violent to her. This part I'm looking into right now. I'll find out, I don't know how but I will. Now what I do need to know is how to get her back on track. She and I were such a good team before, things were great and we were both happy, now we already seem to be on two different pages, I thought this part wasn't supposed to come until she was a teen?!

Any ideas on how to help get my daughter back to the happy sweet angel she was before she left? Any ideas on anything? Thanks a ton

Hi Purple,

My sons are now 18 and 20. When my eldest son was almost two, I found a new daycare, and after the second day, I noticed he was hitting himself in the middle of the forehead, especially when he was in the chair for me to feed him.

He did this ONLY after he began there. I said to him...no honey, don't hit Michael..

Ok this went on for three days before I went with my gut and confronted the daycare provider. I didn't ask her, I told her I knew she had hit my son. She didn't respond as someone who was shocked by what I was saying. She became immediately defensive and nasty. Her own home was fairly immaculate, so that should have been my first clue.

Well, I immediately removed my son, and the head hitting STOPPED. He went back to his usual silly fun self.

Go with your instincts on this. She is your daughter and you know her better than anyone. I wold say that there has been some type of violence either towards her or that she has witnessed and is acting out.

I hope you can keep her with you and away from those circumstances, contact the county child protective services if need be.

Hugs to you and know that doing the right thing is almost always the hardest. If it were easy, everyone would do it....

Love,

Lots of hugging?

You have it! It will take time, firm boundaries, saying things like " hands are for holding, not hitting honey" and hugs hugs hugs...

It will be important that you show her your dislike or disapproval of the behaviors she has picked up, and at the same time, counter that with examples of the right way and lots of approval for that.

Time is the answer and lots of love and redirection. I feel badly for you and she that this has been a part of your lives, but you can redirect and teach her that love is not mean....

Don't despair, your sweetehart is still in there...

Please keep in touch here and let us know how all is going, ok?

All I could think of to suggest is how her you aren't going to hurt her in anyway.

Hope it turns around soon for both of you.
Huge hugs.

Have you talked to your ex about this, just be as nutral as possible to gage his reaction? I think the advice above is great. I would do all of that.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. My daughter is still acting out but getting better little by little. I'm trying to explain to her why she gets into trouble and explain to her that I will not hurt her and hug her as much as I can. She is still mean sometimes but I see her old self come out more and more every day. It took a while to get us back on track but I think things will keep getting better! Thanks again for all the advice it really worked!!!