I'm a horrible mother

I'm a failure as a mother.

When my kids father and I broke up, I left the children with him. They've been in his primary care since then, a year and a half. I've not gone for custody, paid child support, supported them financially. I've not been involved in their education.

I was involved with a guy right after me and my kids father split... he wasn't involved in his childs care neither.

I'm not blaming him in any way though. I am responsible for not being fully involved with my own children.

At the time, when I had left, I didn't have a house or job... and I believed being with their father was the better place. But he's an alcoholic, and is now completely disabled. And YET, I have not stepped in and gotten my kids out of that situation. I am trying now though... I have a job, moved out of my boyfriends house, and am saving money to get my own place and a new car... so that I have something to offer them.

BUT, my kids father acts like he is in complete authority over my children. He tells me over and over that if I move here or there (neighborhoods), he will not let me see my children. He blackmails me all the time. I allow him to intimidate me and do his demands, just to see my kids. He abuses me mentally everytime we speak... telling me there's no hope for me, that I am a lousy mother... that I will fail unless I do exactley what he tells me to do.

I want my children NOW... but I am living with my mother. I have no car. I'm staying out of a unheated bedroom in my moms crib.... and theres a lot of drug activity here. But I have no where else to go, and to take my children to.

Are these just excuses to not take care of my own kids? Maybe deep down I am like my own mother... an abondener?

Has a court ruled on the custody, visitation and support issues? Are you in therapy? Custody has to do with the best interests of the children. If you and your therapist work on a plan to show a court you are capable of being a more effective parent you may have a chance.

If there have been no divorce decree or custody, visitation and support order, you likely will need to retain a lawyer. Look in the yellow pages under attorneys for the number of the state bar association. Find out if you are entitled to a reduced fee or pro bono attorney.

In the mean time, remember to send cards and letters to your children, and try to get some visitation and phone calls with them. Document your efforts to stay in contact with your children. Try to be detailed in documenting the times the father has not allowed you to write, call or visit your children. Write down how he tries to blackmail and abuse you. It is particularly important to notate whether you believe he has been drinking when you talk to him. Each entry should have a time and date.

Good luck.

Oh, and do not tell the father, the lawyers or the courts that you live in a drug house...that goes to his favor even he drink's alcohol. Good luck to you.

I don't know if they're excuses to not take care of your kids; doesn't sound like you're taking very good care of yourself. You can't take care of anyone else, especially kids, if you don't take good care of yourself. The messages on the airplains have it right; you have to put the oxygen on yourself first and THEN the children. If you can't breathe, you are of no use to anyone else.

No you are not an abandoner. An abandoner would not be stressing about not being with her children and trying to figure out how to make that happen.

Byzantine had some good advice. Start establishing a record of involvement with your children. Even if you can't pay a lot of child support, pick up little things when you can (pair of shoes, toys, whatever) and save receipts (for court). Sounds like your ex might fight you and try to present you as a bad mother. Get your duckies in a row. These things can get nasty. I used to work with parents going through custody issues. All is fair in love and WAR. Child custody can be war.

Don't doubt your ability or right to parent. It's obvious you love your children. Strap on your boots. You might have to do some a**kickin'

Thanks a lot for the answers and support.

So far, since I left home.. I have saved all the reciepts of EVERYTHING I have purchased for my kids. It's a lot. I've given them all their school stuff, clothes, tons of shoes.. food. A lot. But I have not paid a cent in child support. Simply because I couldn't afford too. But their father doesn't even have custody of them...idk why I'm being charged child support to begin with.

Also, when that bastard called me and told me "I got a new apartment but I'm hurt and can't move"... I packed my **** and lived with them till I moved him into his new apartment. Then I helped him get to the doc and get on meds to help him get better. Now he is MUCH better... able to move without excrutiating pain.

But, that was as temporary as you'd guess it would be. Of course, we despise each other and I had to get out as soon as he got what he needed from me.

My boyfriend took me back, although I abondened him. He understood it was for my children.

Second time.... I know, I'm stupid. He calls me AGAIN, and says... I can't get the kids Christmas this year. So again, I pack my ****, get a job asap, and provide an awesome Christmas. After Christmas he kicked me out again.

This is why I am at my mothers... my boyfriend couldn't handle me abondening him again.... which is understandable. So we are not back together.

I've tried my hardest to be there.

uOme: sounds like you've already been putting your duckies in a row. good job. smart girl with the receipts and being there for Xmas. just keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

well i really dunno what to say cuz my first one is 12 & i let someone else raise her cuz i chose the bottle for quite a number of years i have a 2.5 year old now & i try my best but the good people here gave helpful advice in that just try all u can do to keep in contact with your kids & dont listen to the verbal abuse & threats. all they are is words coming from someone who has fear u are trying. i know this cuz my hubby is verbally abusive weve been together for 15 years but now that im older i realize its just a bunch of hot air. but you are very brave for telling your situation