8 year old got hurt "at school"...???

You know your child best, if you think something is wrong and you’re not getting answers that satisfy you, call CPS. I personally would NOT do it anonymously! I would give them my name and relay ALL the information you have available to you.

I would also contact your child’s teacher and ask if he/she is aware of anything that happened at school. I also recommend speaking to your child, in person if that is possible.

I don’t know what your custody agreement is. Even if you do get the name of the doctor that your husband brought your child to I don’t know how much information they can give you unless you’re listed on the medical release form.

so what did your therapist say? Have you talked to your daughter? Did you call CPS? How are you going to handle this? How are you going to help your daughter?

I haven't had any SA issues in my past, but I have had experience with people (especially men) who hide information to protect themselves from the true things that are going on.

First is come with avoiding providing information. They only offer comments that they try to use to make you feel like its ok so you will just be quiet & go away & feel they are taking care of everything.

You look at the red flags you are seeing & add them all up. Then you look at the other information you have received when you asked for it & find that you requests are being avoided & that you can't get the whole picture from what they are telling you. When you feel that way, there is usually a reason in that they are covering their rears.

You husband SA you when you were married to him & you didn't think he would do something like that. He didn't take your daughter immediately to the Dr when the problem was made aware to him (no matter what excuse, one always takes care of something serious like that even if one doesn't think it might be serious). Her baby talk when you talked to her about the blood & saying that the Blood went Bye bye....as you said yourself, that isn't normal for her. Look at all the DID out there that comes from abuse & all the young alters that are formed in the process of forming their protective environment. How many had that going on while they were going through the abuse? Then you said that you have been told that she is sleeping in bed with her father.....at 8 years old, that isn't appropriate & no good father would allow it to happen no matter how they felt for their own protection to prove that nothing would happen. Not getting the Dr's name, or information & not being able to talk with your daughter.....convenient that the playday coinsided with when you had the children. Divorced parents don't make those kinds of mistakes or keep the kids away from the other parent......IT"S NOT LEGAL in the first place according to the divorce agreement. Even if you didn't have your own SA issues, all these red flags should't be ignored. Even if there really isn't a problem & it's something entirely different, the fact is that the red flags shouldn't be there in the first place in a safe environment for your daughter.

I have learned for myself, when my gut feelings are looking at so many red flags accumulating in my mind, there is definitely something I need to take care of to protect the situation.

For me it was elder abuse of my Mother from the home care person. 5 days, I accumulated red flags as I saw them in front of me. The police weren't able to prosecute her, & APS dropped the ball on my report & the social workers report from the hospital, but it happened & I did protect my mother from any farther abuse along with myself.

Don't let red flags pass on by.....they are there for a reason or you wouldn't have noticed them, & they are red flags that I would also see in your circumstance.....it doesn't have anything to do with your past. Even if it doesn't show up abuse, there are many of the red flag issues that need to be stopped. Through communication between your ex & you & your questions answered no matter what & She does not sleep in his bedroom!!!!! CPS would definitely take a child away from a father for allowing something like that to happen, no matter what his "logical" reasons are......they are bad reasons your daughter needs to know that it's not right either.

When I was young (many years ago) child abuse was out there, but much more quiet, however it did happen with our neighbors & a male friend of theirs. It was openly talked about around us kids in order for us to understand that we needed to protect ourselves & know what behavior is wrong & is considered to be SA. We all knew enough to know how to protect ourselves & to recognize it if it happened to us. Parents need to make their children aware of what it is rather than try to hide it or cover it up, or even talk about it in a evasive way......we need to be up front & open with our kids so that they recognize & can protect themselves by knowing it's ok to flag it & say NO....This is NOT RIGHT!!!!!

If nothing else, this can be used as a good learning tool to calmly teach her the right & wrong things that are & aren't acceptable for future refferance.......there is nothing wrong with that. We can use situations to their best ability in case our suspicions are wrong. Being open is a good thing & will only help your daughter in the future, no matter what you find out in this situation.....not to scare her, but to protect her.

The comment that the worst thing to do it nothing is exactly where you are at right now. How you perceive this situation isnt any different than how I see it with no SA in my background & I think your T has also helped you see this too.

Keep up informed as to how it goes......no matter what comes of this, your daughter will come out better educated & much better off to handle her life in the future.

Gentle hugs to let you know I care about you & your daughter,

What a sad state of affairs when sleeping with a parent is seen as something shameful and sinister. My youngest children will be 17 in a few days and when they’re feeling ill, sad or injured they sleep with me.

In fact for the first week of summer vacation, my bedroom becomes resort central. We get a stack of movies, eat comfort foods and just talk. In fact, one of the twins is sitting next to me in bed right now. I can assure you that there is nothing untoward happening here, unless you count the wholly unhealthy food we consume. When my daughter comes home from college the first night she’s here she’ll crawl into bed with us and fill us in on everything that’s been going on in her life. Over the 24 years I’ve had children I’ve learn more about what is going on in my children’s lives, their hopes, dreams, fears, successes and failures, right here in my bedroom. Hell I’ve had more than a dozen teenagers that I haven’t given birth to come in, crawl onto the bed and say “mom, can we talk.”

I take great exception to the statement that an 8 year old sleeping with her father is inappropriate. For the majority of the population, having a child sleep with their parent is a special one on one bonding experience.

When a person has a past of SA, & it's going on behind closed doors, that isn't innocent popcorn & movies. A person who has been accused of SA & it's a known fact shouldn't allow something like that to happen for his own safety to keep from being accused of anything in the first place.

An 8 year old girl sleeping with a father who is known for SA in inappropriate no matter how you look at it. One doesn't take those kind of chances when they deal with SA as one of their issues in the first place.

The explaination of your situation hardly sounds like the one described here. I don't read anything about comfort food, or watching movies......& there is no US in their situation. The situation that was described here is a dangerous situation.....one as you describe is not hardly what I was referring to in the lack or propriety or ethical behavior.

When a person is SAbusive, that person must take the care not to put themselves into situations just as an alcoholic does not put themselves into the situation to take a drink. It's a matter of common sense if nothing more than to protect themselves from being accused of that action in future situations even if it were not the case. You have never been in a situation where you have been previously accused of an action that would leave anything in question therefore it is nothing similar to the situation I was referring to.

I feel very strongly that an 8 year old girl "sleeping with" a father known for SA, not having comfort food & watching movies & chatting, is nothing but inappropriate & very unsafe on all counts including his for just this reason of leaving the situation open to question.

Hey Zooropa, have not heard back from you on your daughter's situation. Also hope you are handling this okay, but I am not getting a good feeling about this at all because your ex's words sound like he's covering some things up. We are here for you either way.

I haven't called CPS yet, although I may still. I put a call in to my kids' guardian ad litem today and will call her again tomorrow if I don't hear from her.

My T echoed some of what I'm reading here, that there are red flags, and I give her words and opinion a lot of weight. She has been working as a T for 20+ yrs and has worked with a number of abused children and adults. When she tells me something isn't adding up, I listen.

My kids were raised in the family bed, sleeping with us from day one. However, when it is a girl child sleeping with her father, in this situation, it isn't safe. I don't know if he is abusing her or not, but I do that he sexually abused me many, many times during our 20 year marriage and I don't trust him.

I'm not against the family bed, in any way, but in this case? In this situation?It is questionable at the very least.

I agree it sounds like he is covering something up, and my T said the same thing basically. For tonight I am trying to put my mind at rest because there is nothing I can do RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow is another day and as much as my ex might want me to just let this go, I will not.

I just keep picturing my daughter coming to me some day and asking me why I didn't do something to stop it, and I am not going to make the same mistakes my mother made. I am not going to willingly turn a blind eye. If nothing is going on, if there is no abuse and it was truly just a playground accident, then nobody has anything to fear from some investigating. Only a guilty person would go to the lengths he is going to keep me from my daughter.

I will keep you all posted. Tomorrow something will happen with this. I don't know what, but SOMETHING.

Sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

Okay, when will you see your daughter again? Taking her to the doctor would provide proof. You do not want to wait to have any physical evidence heal. When my sister worked in the ER a father brought his daughter in who presented with a head injury. The ER doc was told that she slipped in the tub. The exam results revealed not only the head injury that would have not been caused by the fall. Also, the doc found vaginal and **** tearing. No bathtub accident could have caused that. I am not trying to be an alarmist, but it is better to be safe than sorry.

This is HUGELY triggering. not saying it against you or anything-- just shoots the PTSD into fast heart beat mode and distress. ugh......

I hope to God your daughter has NOT been abused. I'm hoping.....
hoping.......

I don't know your situation so I can only say what " I " would do-- there is NOTHING that could hold me back from taking my little girl to the doctors as soon as I had any indication that she could have been abused. (I would ask a neighbor , or call a taxi or call child protective services) I switch into "protector mode" big time, so that no child in my care will ever suffer what I had to experience because the adults in my life didn't want to take the time, or didn't have the werewithall to hold a child's well being above their own adult schedules.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh- I just want the best for your daughter and hold her well being close to my heart, as I do all the children of the world.

Children always come first before anything when abuse is the question.

Please please take her to the doc or the ER -- ASAP-- to have her examined, if you have any doubt at all about abuse..........
please.......

fins

Zoorpa - have you spoke to your daughter over the phone yet to ask her about the bleeding and doctor visit.?

if you haven't heard from your daughter yet, i would definitely call CPS for suspicion of SA and the police for interference of child custody and to please check on the welfare of the child.

hope all is well by now.

am new and didn't *subscribe* for when there is an update so replying again so i can subscribe. please delete this

I am not familiar with a guardian ad litem. If it is a responsible person then that may be helpful. When do you expect to hear back from him/her? Have you had the chance to talk on the telephone with your daughter recently?

Doesn't sound like this situation is really a pressing concern for you. Can you let us know what's going on. I think it will let a lot of people on here know that at least one child was saved from future abuse. Although we do not know eachother in real life, behind every post, there are lots of hearts that care. If you look to the right of the screen you will see the number of people who have read your post as well as the people who respond. Now look at the numbers for the other posts on the page. I bet your numbers are higher than theirs. That means that people care. They have hope that the child is safe. If it is courage you need, we can help you with that too. There are a lot of people waiting for your response even if you are scared or need help let us know. We can't know what you know unless you tell us. Can you check in to let us know how you are doing.

Sounds like a good plan you wrote on 5/14. It is now early 5/19 - why are you not carrying through with the plan???

A majority of people on here have been where your daughter could be, we are really concerned about her.

Please get her help soon.....

If its a false alarm then fantastic but something needs to be done to find out one way or another.

The wait for some news on this is difficult and mind boggling. Why no response? Whx even post this to begin with if you do not intend to at least get the child checked out?

I agree this a starting to get confusing. When this originally was posted I didn't want to jump to conclusions since we don't really know the whole situation. We can't automatically assume this is a SA case. One important piece on info is missing, which is speaking/seeing your daughter. I'll be straight forward and say these are the possibilities:

1. She started her period early - yes girls as young as 8 can start. Maybe she was scared and not told about periods
2. She suffered a straddle injury on the play equipment.
3. Has an UTI infection which can cause bleeding.
4. God forbid she was SA.
5. This is a misunderstanding of some sort.

I will gently say what I would do if this were me:

1. Immediately go to the school, pick up my child and go to the doctor. Speak with teacher and principle.
2. Speak with my child directly. An 8 yr old can explain what happened.
3. If ex husband says he took her to the doctor - get the name and speak to him/her yourself.

You mentioned your child was visiting this past weekend -was it canceled? Have you spoken to your daughter yet since this school incident. You have the right to call her school and doctor. If this is a misunderstanding then that's fine, just let us know because many of us are concerned about children welfare. When a member posts about a possible SA of a child, members here hope to see some action and discovery taken.

sorry I haven't updated this thread, my internet was down last night and today until now.
I knew you guys would be waiting for a response, sorry to leave you hanging.

I still haven't seen my daughter or talked to her in person. I will be picking her up after school tomorrow. I have talked to CPS, the guardian ad litem, and the school principal.

Whether I take her to the doctor or not tomorrow will depend on what she says when I talk to her. She says her dad did take her to the doctor, and part of my delay in taking her in myself has been not wanting to subject her to another exam if it wasn't necessary. That and the fact that I have been denied physical access to the child.

This has been an enormously difficult process for me of trying to do the best thing for my child, trying not to either over-react or under-react, and trying to manage my own emotional and mental health in the face of this hugely triggering situation. I have spent a lot of time talking to my T about this and about whether and when to make the phone calls to the authorities, etc.

I can say that I felt better after talking to the principal because she said my daughter was able to take her out to the playground and show her exactly where and how the accident happened. One of my major concerns all along was how vague my daughter was when I questioned her about it, and I was waiting to talk to her in person to see if she could be more specific. Talking the principal helped me feel like there is still a possibility that it really was just a playground accident.

I'm not saying that's what I believe happened. I still don't know what happened. Yes, I would have handled things differently in the beginning if I knew I wasn't going to have my daughter over the weekend, but hindsight is 20/20.

As it stands now there are at least 3 reports of this incident to CPS, possibly 4. The ball is in their court as far as investigating further. I am also waiting to have a more in-depth conversation with the guardian ad litem when she gets out of court this afternoon. I may possibly still take my daughter to the doctor tomorrow, the hope right now is that her father will give the GAL the information about whether he took her to the dr and if so, which dr it was, so that I can have a conversation with that person and find out what they saw.

I realize you guys care about my daughter's interest in this and I appreciate that and the support you have shown me here. I feel a little defensive and judged by some of the posters in this thread. Please understand that I, too, am a survivor of CSA and I am doing my best in a difficult situation. Judging me harshly doesn't help, it doesn't help me and it certainly doesn't help my daughter.

I'll update again as things progress

edited to add: I haven't read all of the posts in this thread yet, I was in a hurry to come here and update after being offline for over 24 hours. I'll come back a bit later and answer the relevant questions. I'm not sure if I posted this or not, but her father denied me my regularly scheduled visitation over the weekend, that's why I haven't seen her and that in itself was a huge red flag for me, along with many other things.

Did the principle say it was a straddle injury - like falling the wrong way on the monkey bars? If you don't mind me asking and you don't have to answer - since your husband was abusive and SA you, how did he get custody, with a record like this? Most judges wouldn't even give a guy any custody accept supervised visits(if that).

Most of the posters who answered this thread are either passionate mothers ourselves or former SA assault survivors - this is why it touched a nerve. I hope your daughter is safe and you get peace of mind.

Sorry if you felt judged by some of the responses on the thread. We really do care. I was wondering if you could put this on your list of questions to answer.... How did it come to pass that the judge did not award you full custody of all 4 children, but awarded them to a sexual preditor? Had the judge done the right thing, the kids would have been in your care and would have gotten all your answers right away.

yes, the principal described the story as this: my daughter was swinging on some bars, and in front of her was a vertical pole. She was basically singing away from and towards this pole, and her hands slipped as she was arcing towards the pole. Her legs were apart and the pole hit her squarely between them. This does sound believable to me, and while I won't brush this under the carpet based on that alone, I do feel better.

I feel kind of meh about answering questions about the specifics of the custody arrangement, but in thinking about it I realize that the reason I don't want to answer is not because of the privacy issues but because I am so conflicted myself about what happened and why my children live with their father and his girlfriend instead of me. I don't want to talk about it because I hate putting the whole sorry story into words.

But. I absolutely understand why people would wonder, and anyway if anyone cared to read my posts here on PC they could find out. I appreciate the support I've gotten at PC in general and in this thread specifically. So, in a nutshell, I attempted suicide. When I was in the hospital recovering, my husband decided to begin separation/divorce proceedings. He got a restraining order, based on my suicide attempt ALONE, that stopped me from being able to go home or even contacting my children. Then we began the course of hearings and court dates, eventually I was allowed supervised visits for a time and then unsupervised ones, and now I have them every other weekend. That's what happened. It wasn't right, or fair, and my kids have suffered the brunt of it, but the judge involved felt he had to err on the side of caution since my mental state was in question.

As to my husband's (and I realize I vacillate between calling him my H and my EX. Legally we are still married, but in every other way he is my ex) status as a sex offender, unfortunately I never reported the sexual abuse and so there is nothing in terms of charges or convictions, etc, against him.

I imagine you, some of you, will judge me for that as well but I hope not too harshly. I came from a history of CSA and then a brutal SA just before I met my husband. I did not know any other life and did not think anyone would care or listen to me if I told them my husband was abusing me that way. I did not know there was such a thing as a law against partner rape.

it is a person, in this case an attorney, appointed by the judge to represent the best interests of the child/ren in court. It's fairly common in custody cases. She doesn't work for or represent either myself or my soon-to-be-ex, she represents the children only. She will have to make a report to CPS based on my conversation with her about this incident. I believe the school may have done so, too, as well as my T and myself of course.

Very triggering....I was 8 years old and nobody protected me....So sorry....Prayers for your daughter.

(((((Zooropa))))),

Reading your last post, I can completely understand the how's & why's that went into this situation. What a rough situation you have been in all your life. It is understandable the care you are taking in handling this. Given your situation, I think you have handled this very wisely & we can't always jump into immediate action but need to put the pieces together to have a solid picture before jumping to any conslusions expecially when we have had a situation like you did that they were already looking at your mental situation.

I know I had SU attempts in my past. When I confronted the home care person about abusing my mother (which she stole her identity, wrote checks, called the police to have them accuse me of abusing my mother, then she OD'ed my mother).......when I filed the report with APS & had the social worker file a report in the hospital about my Mother, I was threatened to back off or my past would come back to haunt me.......so I very much understand your concern to handle the situation carefully.

I hope you are able to push on some of the questionable issues & see if there can be some controls put on the actions of your husband. It's difficult seeing so many red flags that you know need to be resolved in your mind. This may be a good time to have a general conversation with your daughter about SA even if the situation was a school accident so that he understands your concern & she can be made aware of what SA is about (in general, not in a father accusing way). That way if something does happen to her & she knows you are there for her if anything happens to her anywhere in that way, she will be more likely to open up to you about it, knowing you are there for her if anything should happen. That could give you a little bit more comfortable feeling knowing that she wouldn't cover it up if something should ever happen to her at any time, anywhere. This could be a good chance to grow closer to her given the situation of not being able to have your children.

It's so hard to make sure that children are aware of SA & knowing that it isn't right without alarming them or letting it sound accusing, but I am sure there is a way to make it happen. It's better that children aren't naive about things like that. We found out about it at a young age when my neighbor had a male family friend from church who was attempting to abuse the girls in the family. Maybe with the help of your T, you can find a good way to approach your daughter about the subject in a way that you will feel better about her being knowledgeable about it & know that she can alway come to you if anything should even be attempted let alone happen to give you a little bit safer feeling for her.

A very difficult situation for you I can completely understand your frustration in wanting to have your daughter safe yet feeling in a difficult position to make sure of that.

My prayers that the right handling of this will come to you & all will work out well for your daughters safety in a meaningful but not fearful way for her.