So sad for my grandson

(((((((((( sabby ))))))))))) (((((((( grandson )))))))))

I bet you do want to throw up ! I would want to as well ....

I was on the receiving end of similar treatment with my son but without him being given the right help. He sounds like he is in the right place hun he really does. As for the breakdowns at least they are seeing just what he and the rest of the family have to cope with so can really direct the help to where it is needed.

I bet he enjoyed the Kentucky Fried Chicken ! I love it ! Tell him you know someone whos nearest one or Pizza Hut or Mcdonalds is over a 130 miles away ! So see how envious I am ! lol

Give him a big hug from everyone here make sure its a great big one and tell him lots of people are thinking/praying for him and all his family.

((((Sabby and Grandson))))

I cannot imagine how tough this is on all of you. It does sound like he is in the right place and getting the help he needs. This also might wake up the school and other officials that he does need help.

He is so lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive grandma. You are all in my thoughts. Hang in there. Try to take sometime for yourself. Sending you gentle hugs.

(((Sabby and family))) I am so sorry for all of the challenges that you are all facing. There is nothing so heartbreaking as a child in need of help and having to depend upon others for that help. I know the frustration well of being the last to know and being livid because if I had known early on his life may have been easier. I live with the guilt and frustration to this day and my son just turned 24.

Hopefully this crisis will be the catalyst that will be the turning point for this young boy’s life. You all are in my prayers. The only advice I can give is in the future be absolutely ruthless when it comes to demanding help. Sadly for many years I deferred to the “experts”. Instead of demanding what my son was entitled to I was grateful for what the school or therapists did. It took a very devoted LD teacher to point out to me that I was the foremost expert on my child and if you let them the programs out there that are intended to help will do as little as possible unless you make them do otherwise. It can be a full time job checking to make sure the appropriate actions are taken.

I WOULD start with a phone call to whoever is in charge of the police department and demand to know what changes have been made to make sure that the right actions are taken in the future. (It can be very therapeutic.)

I am sorry that you were embarrassed by your daughter’s behavior but take heart. Anyone worth their salt in this field understands that the loved ones are under duress and they are seeing you at your worst behavior.

Ah (((((Sabby))))),

Your wonderful diplomacy comes through again.....Know I have learned a lot about diplomacy from you since being a mod with you....think it's been one of the most valuable tools that I am working on improving.....but it does make such a difference in life & relating to others.....something you have always been tops at.....& still going strong with the hospital situation.

Hope that daughter learns from this.....does seem possible that her extreme actions are mirrored in her son.....with a much less ability to control himself in the long run.

Sending you & your grandson & family many 's

Thank you so much for all your good thoughts, prayers and for walking through this with me. It's so good to not feel so alone through this process.

I do so appreciate everyone's input and ideas. There are times when I am unable to see the big picture and I get stuck. Ya'll help bring me around and even come up with things that I wasn't seeing clearly which is quite helpful!

I'm a bit upset that we are having such a nasty Nor'Easter here. Of course, it's supposed to be my day off from work and I would have gone to visit my grandson, but now, I can't because of the storm. I won't be able to see him until Sunday. It would sure be a nice surprise if he could get an off unit visit on Sunday! Hope is a good thing right?

Again, thanks everyone.....I love ya!

Hope is a very good thing! Are you able to talk to your grandson on the phone? Maybe let him know that you would like to take him off unit on Sunday. He knows from last time that if he wants to go off unit he needs to act appropriately. It may help him to have that incentive. Sorry you will miss Easter. Also hope the storm isn't that bad. to you and family!

Had a meeting with his team from the hospital and the mental health clinic that is working with daughter and grandson today. It was a good meeting. Grandson will be released on a conditional release on Thursday evening. YAY! If daughter has any issues with him that she cannot handle, she can bring him back to the hospital without going through the ER through Monday. If the weekend goes alright, he will be discharged on Monday.

He has made some small improvements since being admitted. His blow outs aren't lasting as long or being quite as intense. This is not to say that he isn't having them, because he has at least 2 a day. Sometimes he has to go into seclusion until he regains his control, sometimes he doesn't. He has been more verbal in the respect of being able to discuss what is bothering him which is a good thing.

For weeks they have been trying to help him to redirect with something to do and he has turned down everything but this one thing.....to write poetry! He finds he enjoys writing poetry and he's not bad at it at all. He's written 2 poems so far, one was about "young love" and one about "rejection". The psychiatrist was so impressed with the rejection poem that she took it around to her fellow employees to share it. She thought that it may have been a song he had heard and was trying to get one over on her, but she tried looking up the words and nothing came up. So they are his own words. I'm so proud of him! He is also very proud of his writing as well. Finally, something he is doing that he is proud of!!! He needed this so badly.

The psychiatrist has taken away his diagnosis of bipolar! My daughter is very pleased with that. His two official dx'es are ODD and ADHD. Unfortunately, they have not come up with a drug combination that seems to help him very much though. Of course, my daughter is adament about med amounts and what kinds of meds as well. I just hope she's not biting her nose off to spite her face at this point on the meds.

The mental health team are going to his school with daughter on Friday to discuss with them what is needed for grandson to have a better chance at succeeding these last 2 months of school. Also, they will be getting on them about his IEP which has not been followed as it should have been. He's supposed to have a 1:1 aide for 6 hours a day and they have never supplied on to him. I'm really ticked off about that. But, it will change now! Hopefully it's not too little too late. Psychiatrist will also be available by phone for the conference if she is needed to really drive home what his issues are.

A very hard thing that daughter found out today was that she is basically the reason that grandson is the way he is. It was not meant as a slam. How they said it and what they said was to get her to realize that some of her behaviors have not helped grandson at all. They mentioned a couple of things that I have been telling her for years and trying to get her to stop, but she never took me seriously. *sigh* So, needless to say, she is upset that she hasn't really helped her son but hurt him more. Hopefully this is the eye opener that she needs to be able to make some changes in her behavior that will only better herself and her two sons in the long run.

All in all, it was a good meeting and I feel some relief at this time. I just hope it lasts and he does not fall thru the cracks once again!!

Sabby- thanks for the update. I'm glad the meeting went well.

That is so awesome that your grandson is writing poetry, enjoying it, and good at it. Way to go for him!

I hope that having the medical team with your daughter at the school meeting will also be beneficial.

Hugs to your daughter. It can be very difficult to realize (finally understand) that you may have contributed to the problems that your child is having. I hope she is able to find some help for that and to turn the situation around.

Hoping his conditional release goes well and he doesn't fall through any more cracks.

Thanks for keeping us up todate. As always thinking of you and your family. And sending many hugs your way.

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted. Sorry to hear that he wasn't diagnosed properly for the ADHD ((Sabby)). This must be so stressful for the whole family and I'm happy you feel comfortable sharing this with us. I saw a great special on PBS TV on March break - they put great specials on pledge week lol. It was a documentary called ADD And Loving It - it takes a different look at it. Here's a link to their website and you and your family are in my prayers:

http://www.totallyadd.com/

Sabby I’m so glad things are heading in the right direction! Good for the Medical team!!!! I discovered the same issue about the aid with my own son.

My son’s IEP clearly stated his aid was to be with him from the moment he arrived at school until the moment he came home. The school asked me if it was ok if they (school) utilized the aid to grade papers and such when he was in Art, swimming or Speech therapy; explaining that he was already having one on one time with the teacher. I was very naïve and agreed. At the year end IEP I found out (well actually it was his medical team) that the extent of HIS personal “aid’s” assistance was bring him in to hang his coat at the beginning of the day and the reverse at the end of the day! According to the school I had approved this change. They were very aware that this was shady. They were using the federal money that was allocated for my son’s aid to pay a TA. I was SO angry! I would not doubt they are doing the same in your grandson’s case. I’d bet money on paper somewhere the school is getting money to pay an employee from the Federal government on behalf of your grandson.

The next year (in a new school) he got the assistance he was supposed to get and it was 1000% easier for all involved. A whole year had been wasted! The added stress and aggravation for our family, my son, and the school cannot be measured. The moral of the story is no good deed goes unpunished. After that point I would pop into the school at random times to ensure this did not happen again (another school tried a similar thing a couple years later).

Our lives got much easier when we moved to Wisconsin. The state of Wisconsin actually assigns a liaison (a former LD teacher) whose only job is to make sure that the IEP was being followed and adjusted according to my son’s needs in real time. Her interactions could be hourly and at a minimum daily. She made sure that he was challenged but never overloaded, knew of any social or educational problems immediately and was already taking steps to correct the problem. It was wonderful. All I had to do was check my email or answer the phone. My son had a “mom” in school looking after him.

Good Luck to you all! I’m so happy your grandson found something he enjoys doing that will also help him communicate and work through his issues!

((((sabby))))

Thank you for the update. I am so glad that your grandson is getting the help he so deserves and that changes are being made. He is so gifted and intelligent and I am so glad that he is writing. Sometimes writing can help so much and it is a way to express what otherwise is so hard at times to say. And I am glad that he is finding relief there too. Finding something that he is good at and that others also praise him for will help his self-esteem. I am glad that he is proud of it too and he should be.

I am glad that his team is going to be there with his mother for the meeting at the school. Now he will get his IEP followed through and that should help him out. I am glad to hear that his psychiatrist will be available by phone if needed. Seems they are going to follow through this time and he will not fall through the cracks. So happy for him and you all. It has been a long wait to get him what he needs.

I am so glad you were able to be there at the meeting today and hear what was said. I know this has been really hard on you and that the love and care from you has played a big part. I am sure it was hard for your daughter to hear what they said. Sometimes our children do not always hear what we tell them but I am glad that they validated what you have been saying for a long time. I know it meant so much for you to be there and I am so glad it worked out for you.

I am glad you are feeling some relief and that everything is starting to look up. Please keep posting and let us know how you and your grandson and daughter are doing. We are here for you and care. Know that you and your family are continually in my heart and prayers. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

I so feel for you all .... Especially at this time for your daughter who I know loves her son very very much but is part of the cause of this she must really be beating herself up at this time.

I was/am partly to blame for my sons problems but no one pointed that out till too late and after years of berating myself I came to understand that no point in looking back just look to the future and do what you can to alter things so things do not repeat themselves.

Please give your daughter my very very best wishes and a hug from one mum to another, I am now crying so its hard to see the screen I will stop.

Hugs to you all.

Ps .... Someone on here once said to me over parenting is just as bad as under parenting. It hurt but its true. Does not make a bad mum.

There's a natural supplement called GABA and I highly recommend trying this but of course tell the doctors, since natural supplements can interact with meds. It's also specifically recommended for ADHD and other problems especially anxiety. I have a good feeling about this and here's a link to explain more:

http://www.gabasupplement.com/

You guys are so awesome for all your wonderful support! Thank you so very much. It's important for me to hear of other people's struggles because there is always something to learn by them.

One thing I want you all to know and I'm doing my best to convey that to my daughter as well.....no matter how we parent, we try to do our best with what we have to work with. There is no rule book, we just do what we thing is best at the time. It's all a learning experience. That's why we parent a second or third child differently from the first, because we learn things from the first! I don't think there is any good reason for any of us to kick ourselves for mistakes made, just learn from them and move on.

I'm sorry I haven't been here sooner to update. It's been a pretty busy week for me and lots has been going on. Grandson will be starting school on Monday again. Daughter had her meeting with the school and will be bringing him to school on Monday. They will have a short meeting with grandson and daughter to show that everyone is on the same page regarding grandson's behavior and the consequences that will be followed through. He has proven many times that he can control at least some of his behaviors. There is now and expectation of that. He needs to know what is expected of him, all kids need to know those things to help guide them through their lives and to know where they stand.

I took grandson out to lunch yesterday and we had a good time. He really is such a dear boy, so bright and has a great sense of humor. Of course he talks non stop (unless he was filling his face LOL). He seemed to enjoy the time spent....was something special done with grammie and her friend. I asked him if he learned anything from his hospitalization and he said he had. He said he learned a little bit on how to recognize when he was loosing control and a little of how to let an adult know he needs a break so he doesn't loose it so badly. Of course, right up until his release, he was still having breakdowns and needed to be removed from situations and put into a safe room until he calmed down. He is recovering from his outbursts more quickly now which is a good thing. I think some of that is because of the meds he is on too.

This next week back at school will be interesting. I hope that he can get back into karate this week. The karate school has taken a big step to wanting to help grandson with his behaviors. I have said I would pay for his lessons as I think this will help him to learn how to have more control over himself and he needs to feel that and to increase his self esteem.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good week for grandson. He so deserves to be successful and for adults not to walk away from his issues.

Again, thank you all so much for your support and information. I will look into your suggestions and discuss them with daughter.

xoxoxo

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear things are getting a bit better. Keep us posted.

Grandson had his first day back at school today. He has a grading system for how the day goes and it's from 1 (the worst) to 5 (the best) in different areas of behavior and work. Well, he got all 5's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daughter said he was very excited to go back to school today. He got right up out of bed, had his breakfast in seconds flat, brushed his teeth without being told, got dressed and was ready to go before daughter was ready. LOL

I'm so glad he had a great day today. That, hopefully is the start of good things for the rest of this school year. I do believe it was helpful to him to know that the school and his mom and the mental health team are all on the same page. It certainly gives him something to lean on and to know what everyone's expectations are of him. It's also proving to us that he can control himself at times. I think this is huge. He needs to feel empowered when it comes to his emotions. I pray that the school and his mum do everything they can to point out all the he does right during the day, even if he has a bad day.

Unfortunately, tonight, my daughter and 2 grandsons have moved into a shelter as they are now homeless. This is my grandson's second experience with being in a shelter. He and his mum were in one when he was about 4yrs old. This is tearing me apart. My daughter is not a bad person, she's just not too bright sometimes. She makes bad decisions and it ends up on her childrens' shoulders to bare. In reality, I'm quite angry with her over this, but I am not telling her this. I'm doing my best to control my tongue and be supportive while discussing what her children are expecting of her. She's 33yrs old......it's long past the time to grow up and be responsible. This makes me very sad. How can she be a healthy parent and show healthy choices when she refuses to believe that her choices affect her children negatively? I'm sorry, I just don't get her line of thinking, don't think I ever will.

Sabby,

I am so glad your grandson had a really good day back at school. That is so great.

Sorry to hear that your daughter and grandsons are now in a shelter. That must be really hard on everyone. Here if you need anything.

(((Sabby and family))) I'm glad to hear positive news. So sorry about daughter and grandsons (is this the same daughter?). Praying for a light at the end of the tunnel for you all.

Thank you both, AAAAA and PleaseHelp!

Yes AAAAA, this is the same daughter I've been discussing. She frustrates me to no end. For such a smart woman, she can make such dumb decisions at times. No wonder grandson doesn't think he has to follow any set of rules, his mom doesn't think that the rules should apply to her either. She's always bucking them or trying to get them changed to something she believes she can live with instead of sucking it up and following them. The rules I'm talking about now are those at the shelter. Each family is responsible for doing some chores within the home aside from cleaning up after themselves and their family. She thinks that because she is the only one there that works almost full time, she shouldn't be expected to pitch in anything extra around the place. Heaven forbid she actually has to "clean" something, it's like the end of the world for her.

Anywho, grandson had another good day at school yesterday. He actually managed to get himself out of a situation that was making him angry before he blew up!!!! He is now recognizing his triggers and I think that's awesome! He didn't have straight 5's yesterday but he had a couple of 3's and some 6's so it evened out quite nicely. The 6's he received because he got extra points for doing his self care. I'm so very proud of him. And he's feeling very proud of himself right now.....he needs to feel that more and more as far as I'm concerned.

We'll see how things go through the weekend. There are some extra stressors on the family now with being in the shelter. I told grandson the other day that it wasn't his job to worry about finding a place to live, it was his mom's responsibility. His responsibility was to try to be helpful and to do as well as he can in school. I hope that helped to take some of the stress off his back. He needs to be a kid, not an adult!

(((Sabby & Grandson)))

Hope things continue to go well for your grandson and that his mother gets with the "program" better.

Yea! Sabby's grandson! Learning his triggers and figuring out a way to avoid an all out fit IS encouraging news! It's easy to behave when everything is going well. Make sure he knows those 3's are accomplishments as well!

Sabby I am glad that your grandson did well in school. Way to go for being able to avoid an all out fit! I do hope your daughter pulls it together.

((((sabby))))

Just wanted you to know that we are here for you and that we care. So glad that your grandson is starting to identify his triggers and being able to step away from the situations. That is really awesome and he does need to know that and to hang on to that as he is making changes and learning.

Sorry to hear about your daughter and sure it is frustrating. Hopefully she will step up and do what she needs to do as it could also be showing your grandson. Sometimes in life we have to do things that we do not like but we also learn in those instances if we allow ourselves to and it can help make changes for the better.

What you said to your grandson was so true and he does need to be a kid and not carry the worries of what is going on. So glad you had the chance to talk with him. He is very lucky to have you in his life and so glad he can talk to you about things. It is so important that he has someone that he can talk to and open up to.

Thank you for the update and know that you, your grandson, daughter and family are in our continued thoughts and prayers. We are here for you and care so much. We know that this is hard for you and your family but glad to hear that things are starting to look up.

Remember to take time for you too and to breath. Please keep posting and thank you for letting us walk here with you. We love you. Sending you many gentle hugs.

Victoria