[LexieZ19]

My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

1. Her mom had her in a private school, so my husband and I decided to keep her there. She is on the honor roll so she gets to not where her uniform every other Friday. Last Wednesday she started school and she had a dress down day on Friday. She came downstairs in a very low v neck and skirt that was too short. I said hey that isn't appropriate for school, do you think you could put on a different shirt and wear some leggings under your skirt? She agreed for the moment, but little did I know she put the v neck in her backpack and brought it to school so she could change. She has a boy teacher 1st period so she got away with it but 2nd period she got sent to the office and had to change. The principal called me and when she got home I told her today is a warning, next time you do this you are not dressing down the next Friday and the third time you are grounded for the weekend. Any other ideas?

2.Her mom let her date a 16 year old, and since I don't want her to think that I am reversing everything her mom did, I am going along with it even if I don't agree with it. However, what I will not tolerate is finding her in her bra and underwear with him like I did the other day.I asked her to please not have him in her room with the door closed and that I would prefer to be home when he was there. I got home and found them in her bed and immediately set some more rules. Even though she did not seem happy about it, I talked to her about safe sex, STDs and self respect. I told her the next time I find anything like this she may not seem him for two weeks, the next time she is not only grounded from him but may not go out with her cheer squad for another two weeks and the next time she has to break up with him because this is not appropriate behavior for a 14 year old.

3. The other day I found out she had gotten her belly button pierced by a girl on her cheer squad when another mom called me about it. I went to her room and said hey that was Haley's mom can I see your belly button? She got really mad and I said "you made the choice to get your belly button pierced I need to see it and then we need to go to the doctors to get it removed." Once the doctor had removed it I told her that this kind of risky behavior is not okay. We made a deal that if she doesn't do anything else like this for 6 months she can get her ears double pierced. However, if she does I will have to discipline her.

[madisgram]

first i applaud your efforts to raise yr friend's daughter. she must have had confidence in her decision to ask you.
i feel that you all need to go in for family therapy too. she is testing you to 1. see how far she can go and 2. i believe her acting out behavior stems from anger prob because her mom is dead. she prob feels disconnected since she's now living with you all. how bout some family outings...only you all go..none of her friends yet. encourage her to have gf's over tho.
i'd have grounded her in a new york minute re the bra and pantie thing. you are now her mother figure and her behavior was way out of line. it's not necessary for you to tippy toe around her. she knows the skippy about right and wrong. right now in particular she needs a great deal of structure to help her feel safe and loved. BUT fair warnings just won't cut it, imho.
i do hope this will all work out for you all. guess i sound kind of harsh but my intentions are well meant. teens are rebellious anyway so you'll need to learn the skills to guide her. the therapy can help things fall in place. we all need to know there are consequences for our actions. she may be somewhat fragile but if she doesn't get turned around heartache may follow.
here's a site that may help you. page 2 is quite informative-
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/par...SECTIONGROUP=2
hope you'll keep us posted. we do care.

[wing]

madisgram said it well. I, too, give you so much credit for doing what you're doing for your friend. A 14 yo is very difficult to parent, hands down. Everything you are doing is fair and makes sense. She will most likely continue pushing the envelope, though. That's just what teens do. I think the counselor will help her, and help you. Perhaps you could see a family therapist together?

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with madisgram. But you are going to be challenged, and not because she is a bad girl or even wants to be a bad girl. The boyfriend thing can be partly because she may be looking for her own private sense of love or being loved and unfortunately that can only hurt her and give the guy an opportunity to use that weakness.

And yes, all teens test to see what they can get away with and what boundaries they can cross. It is all a part of figuring out who they are and unfortunately you are going to be tested. And fair warning part of the testing includes seeing if they can lie and so they experiment with that as well. Though you cannot replace her mother you CAN serve as a mentor, so try to make time to be with her and find ways where you can take her out shopping and maybe visit a museum and try to find some cultural things you can do together, growing up can be more about taking an interest in venturing out in grown up ways to explore, arts, theater, go to see a ballet or opera or other events that might be fun to attend, check out your local paper and see what is going on that you can both go and attend.

The other thing you could look into, I don't know where you live, but are there any local riding stables where you can get her involved with that? Being around horses can be a way to filling a sense of nurture that is one of the hormonal desires girls her age have.

I think the important thing to do is to make sure she doesn't feel like she is just somehow renting space in your home and not really a part of your life. Setting rules is important but she also needs to feel welcome and that you really care about her and you REALLY want her there. And it is not all about setting structure and rules but also showing real approval in her and recognition for any positive attempts she makes. Those grades are up but they could quickly slide as she tries to come to grips with the fact that her mother is really gone forever.

I also commend you on your efforts. But you are really going to have to think back on your past to anyone that ever inspired you and what that meant to you. Think about what you knew and thought when you were her age, she is not really grown up at all, just wondering what it all means.

Open Eyes

[yellowted]

you have been given good advice here, teens will always try to push boundries, not only has this girl got the difficulties around growing up and finding her identity, she is dealing with grief, loss and the insecurities of being placed in a new family. she needs to feel like she is a part of your family, warts and all.
this is a great learning curve for you all, she is trying to work out where your boundries are, try sitting down with her and writing a formal agreement, start by explaining to her that some things she is displaying make you feeel uneasy, take the boyfriend situation, you are happy for her to see him, but not happy for them to meet alone in your house. ask her to set a consequence for this... if i find out you have been alone in the house then ........will happen, this could be grounded for a week, mobile phone confiscated for a week, no school trip or has to spend the weekend with you without friends around......! then ask her if there is something that you do which makes her feel uneasy, agree to change and a consequence if you don't, continue untill a set of 'rules' are formed which you are both happy with, both sign to agee them, then stick to them! do not give chances, once the rules are set she has no excuse for not adhearing to them. I have used this method a few times with children i nannied, it works! ok sometimes they disrespect them or forget them, but ensuring they adhear to the consequences soon pulls them back in line. it is also a great way of finding out what irritates her, how she ticks and to chat about boundries, safety, house rules etc. by getting her involved in deciding the consequences and in making the rules for you she will feel valued, included and heard. just be prepared to stick to her rules for you too or suffer the consequences!!!
one of the rules we made was around swearing, at 14, I was ok for my charge to swear with her mates, but in my presence she was only allowed to say a swear word once and that was to ask if it was an acceptible word or not, some mini swear words were ok with me but none were acceptible in the presence of her parents. the consequence was no computer for two days other than for homework! (which i monitored!)
graded consequences do not work, they just give the green light to try a second time and often the first time is forgotten so the consequence is minor every time!
One thing to be careful of is focusing just on the negative things, take an interest in and praise the good things she does too! Children aged 14 need space to grow in a safe environment, they are going to make mistakes, that is part of growing up, it is how you handle the mistakes that shapes their learning experience.
do not try to be her mum, try being her mentor, friend , big sister, anything but her mum because you will never fit that mould, no one will.
try in a 1-1 moment , confiding a small worry with her, look serious, she will see you trust her and welcome her advice and will be more open to talk to you about her things in future. Also make time to listen to her, when she talks to you (no matter what about or what you are doing at the time)stop what you are doing, look at her and respond calmly, if you shout or get cross she will fight against you, where a calm response is respected more. but most of all be consistant and do not let your feelings distort your responses.
good luck x

[nicoleb2]

You are wonderful for raising her.

My dad died when I was 16. Thankfully, I still had my mom. My mom dies when my brother was 10, but he still has his dad.

The death of a parent at those ages is so incredibly painful. I think this child is going to push as far as she can and it is going to be VERY important to maintain boundaries and expectations.

I agree that family therapy is probably quite necessary for you guys to succeed.

Don't try to be a replacement for her mom, and make sure she knows you don't want to replace her mom. Even go so far as to say "I will never try, nor do I want to replace your mom. I gave her my word that you would always be taken care of and loved, so that is what I am doing" This is something I have to frequntly tell my brother, along with "I know you don't like to have to follow the rules, but it is my job to keep you safe"