Discipline and Parenting my best friends daughter

(Add on to previous post)
My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, her daughter was willed to me and my husband. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

Today was very bad. I left to go to the dry cleaners, grocery store and a few other errands. I suggested to her to come with me but she said she didn't feel well. When I got home I went to tell her I was home, and I picked up lunch on the way home. A few days prior I found her with her boyfriend in a bra and underwear and told her if I saw it again she was grounded. Sure enough, I found her with him only this time she had no bra on. He immediately left when I saw him and she was just sitting there. I said "I am sorry but you are grounded from him for 2 weeks. I told you before that it is inappropriate for you to be naked with him." She got mad but I know that if I do not stay strict with her or she will not learn. Did I handle this situation correctly?

It sounds appropriate to me. It must be very difficult for both of you right now.

Is there something that she likes to do that you and she could do together while she is grounded from her boyfriend?

Just a question. Is this girl on birth control? If she's not, it is time to take her to the doctor. All you need is for her to end up pregnant, which will happen if you aren't proactive about this. I'd also find out who this boy's parents are and talk to them. Hopefully they would back you up on this. (Unfortunately not all parents are good parents though.)

Clearly she is testing the limits. Sit her down. Go over the rules and see if you can get her to understand that if she simply stays within those boundaries, life will go so much easier for her. Set the structures up ahead of time rather than just being reactive to whatever she is doing wrong. Catch her doing right -- a lot. Keep her very busy with structured activities. You know: idle hands and idle minds . . .

And I'd be really wary of leaving her alone at home. Some kids just can't handle not being supervised without finding mischief to get into. We'd love to be able to give our teenagers more freedom, but some of them are just not emotionally equipped for it, and they can get into some seriously dangerous activities.

You've taken the first steps toward handling it, but you need to realize you can't simply tell her she can't do something, you may have temporally stoped her but in the long run your current course could be disastrous for both of you.

Yes, she will learn how not to get caught.
You must deal with why she does these things not try and stop her doing them as that will (A) Not work and (B) Not help her with the real problem. You say you are going to talk to her therapist that is a very good first step, but you should also talk to her, when you do it is important to recall that she is a teenager and teenagers don't think like adults (in an apples and oranges way in the case of most teens (Example; teens tend to be detail oriented, where as adults tend to focus on the big picture))
Another important thing to remember is that what you call a 'warning' a teen thinks of as a 'threat', it's indicative of the teen mind set as no matter how good a parent you are teens live in a dictatorship, and they hate to be reminded of it. On the flip side they want to be treated as adults. What's the importance of that? Well it means that raising a teen does not have to adversarial, and in most situations and cases the adult not the teen decides whether it will be of not.
What you need to do, is find out Why she does the things you find unacceptable (and I hasten to add Are unacceptable in a 14 year old) and then find a more wholesome way that need can be addressed, but it is important to remember that she may not know why, and her therapist may be of assistance there.
Also, you seem to have dealt with your third concern (the piercing) very well but I wanted to make sure you knew about a possible implication of that that you may not have considered, I have heard of at least one girl who used home piercing as a form of cutting.

I hope that helps, and wish you good fortune.

I am so sorry for your situation. What an emotionally overwhelming situation. I wish you and your daughter luck.

This may sound like a silly question, but have you sat down and talked with her? The truth is if she wants to have sex she will. As you know it is more important for her to make good choices. I would sit down and have a long heart to heart with her. Let her know that you are honored that your friend trusted you enough to raise her daughter when she could not; that although you will not do things exactly the same way her mother did that you have her best interests at heart. Let her know how much her behavior saddens and worries you and why.

I would also have a discussion with her about STDs. With my own children and their friends I found them to be most receptive and surprised about herpes. While it is not normally life threatening it is troublesome and there is no cure. I think for them it was a wake up call. AIDS or other STDs “won’t happen” to them, but herpes is so common that it actually seemed like a possibility. As a female she has a particular concern because it can be fatal to infants.

Another thing that I really emphasized to my own children was that pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex. To ask themselves if this is the person they wanted to be a parent to their child. It seems to be the norm these days to simply complain about what a loser the baby daddy or baby mama is. I made my children understand that this decision is entirely theirs; BEFORE they had sex. The old adage if you lay with dogs you get fleas holds a lot of truth.

With my own children I never made sex “bad”. I tried to educate them on making better choices; at least informed ones. I let them know that sex changes a relationship. My own rules of thumb were that I was sure that they would have sex before I thought they were ready. It is my opinion that if they are too embarrassed to talk about birth control and what should happen if it failed with their partner then they should be too embarrassed to have sex with them.

Finally I would discuss house rules and how important they are to the health and happiness of the entire family. Since she has betrayed your trust twice already I would let her know that this is her final chance with this boy being welcomed into your home. I would also have a conversation with the boy involved, right now it sounds like your daughter is the only one dealing with the consequences of their actions, and he needs to be involved as well. Before he is allowed back in the house let him know that you are holding him accountable as well. If he should continue to ignore the house rules and disrespect you and your daughter that he will no longer be welcome in your home and you will discuss the issue with his parents because his behavior is dangerous and disrespectful as well. Personally I would make the bedroom off limits and limit their time together once the grounding is over.

Keep talking and listening. Good luck and please let us know how things are working out.

Well said AAAAA.

I only have experience with a son. When he was a young teenager, I'd remind him how much his grandparents loved him and how much I intend to love my own grandchildren. I would tell him how broken-hearted I'd be if any of my grandchildren had to suffer. If he chose to have sex with a girl, he needed to be sure he could deal with the possible consequences. He AND the girl would have to be prepared to throw away their own dreams and devote at least the next 18 years to that child. You never know if a child will be born with disabilities and special needs. Even a healthy child can throw well laid plans off track. Furthermore, if a child is produced from a relationship - he needed to be prepared to have the mother of his children play a role in the rest of his life. It usually adds a lot of extra burden to any future relationships - on both sides.

If your daughter thinks she's prepared to give her body to this young man, is she truly prepared for the consequences? Does this boy have what it takes to provide for a child - and her? Does he have the character traits she wants in a child? My son had little contact with his father while growing up, but it didn't matter because genetics played a huge role. He may have been raised by his stepfather, but he's exactly like my ex-husband (thank God I liked my ex as a person, lol).

Lastly, as a woman, I would advise your daughter to have more respect for herself. Her body is not a toy. If she has no respect for her body, her heart, and her life.....men won't either. Even if a child is not produced, she's play a dangerous game with her heart. She should spend a little more time getting to know her own heart and what it wants out of life before giving it to someone else.

Good luck, and kudos to you for taking on your best friend's daughter as your own.

Thanks Kathy! We have three sons. The realization that they could have children with our participation in their life depending on the whims of a one night stand or a casual relationship was terrifying. A very close family member got pregnant and the… oh I cannot even think of the appropriate term for that individual; human does not even fit. Anyway, once she decided to keep the baby he had nothing more to do with her. Once the baby was born it not only looked exactly like the “father” but DNA proved it was his. Neither he nor his parents had anything nothing to do with the child. This is a small town, but if they were in the grocery store and the child was there they looked right through him as if he did not exist. Oh and Church, they went to the same bleeping church! How do you ignore your grandson in church? During a picnic one time his ball rolled by her chair. She bent to pick it up and hand it to him until she realized who it was. She just dropped it and turned her back! I confronted her about it. She said that her son said it wasn’t his and she had to believe her son. Have you looked at him? Have you never heard of DNA? Why does he have to pay child support every month then?

My husband and I were talking about it one day and I said “what the hell is wrong with his mother (paternal grandmother) he’s a loser but this is her grandchild! There is nothing on this planet that would keep me away from my grandchildren!” Hubby’s response chilled me to the bone “except the child’s mother.”

In my cousin’s case, she would have been happy to have the paternal family involved (in the beginning) but that isn’t to say that someone wouldn’t prevent me from seeing my grandchildren because she was angry or wanted to manipulate my son. But my cousin also met and married a wonderful man. He raised the child as his own; the boy (man now) has no idea that someone else donated to his genetic make up. I will give the donor credit where credit is due. I was concerned that once she was happily married living her life that he would rear his ugly head and upset the boat; particularly in those troublesome teenage years. (The “logic” being that he would realize what he had missed out on once he had matured.) But like a true coward he remained in the shadows.

I digress. So sorry for the temporary thread highjack.