they spank my 4 year old, can i do anything?

So heres the thing... i left my ex husband because he was physically and emotionally abusive. And when he told my 1 year old daughter at the time that he hated her because she wouldnt say daddy, that was the last straw. Shes 4 years old now and the divorce is final giving me primary custody and he gets summer and every other christmas.
Hes had one summer and one christmas thus far and both times my daughter has come back saying her dad and his girlfriend spank her. As an abuse survivor im completely against that, and knowing his abuse toward me, im worried for her.

I dont necessarily want her to stop visiting him, i know how important a father is to a child. But i worry non stop with her visits knowing they spank her and knowing his anger problems. My daughter does not like his girlfriend at all saying "shes mean to momma and spanks me" and ive confronted them both about it but they deny anything. I dont believe children lie about this kind of thing as i was called a liar as a child when i wasnt. I dont know how to make this stop, how to stop them from putting their hands on her.
In the divorce papers it says i am allowed private phone conversations while she is there and i told her after the first visit to tell me if they did it again. When she did the girlfriend was obviouly listening in and interrupted my conversation to tell me how to parent my child and to tell my daughter not to say that. I just dont know where to go from here and she leaves for the summer in 6 days

I really know nothing about the systems in place for children, so this comment may be way off base & may not even be possible, but I was wondering if you could get in touch with some social workers in the area where your ex lives & where your daughter is going to & talk to them about what your daughter has told you happens & see if they can check in on your husband since he does have a problem with being abusive & I'm sure that was noted in the divorce even though they are usually NO FAULT divorces these days.

Know one doesn't want to get the authorities involved usually because it messes up & causes more problems at times.....but there has to be some way of guaranteeing the safety of your daughter.

(((PFM)))

Are you and your ex in the same state? Do you live relatively close to them, so that you could step in if needed? I don't know about laws, but I'd recommend contacting an attorney or Social Services to see what your options are to make certain that your daughter isn't being abused.

I wish that I had more wisdom to offer....but I've got (((hugs))) for you! I hope that this gets resolved soon and that your daughter isn't being abused. Very best wishes to both of you!

Thank you both for your help. I imagine social services could help even if its just to scare him into not putting his hands on her, maybe they will check on her. He works for the president so i know he doesnt want any problems so hopefully his love for his job at least will stop him. I dont want to ruin him, i just dont want him to ruin her. He lives 14 hours away and i lost my car in an accident 2 years ago and my license was revoked for medical purposes 11 months ago so i cant stop in although i wish i could. Thank you for the hugs and advice, very helpful

It is morally reprehensible and wrong under all circumstances to hit children. It is also ineffective as a form of discipline, but that is rather beside the point that it is unethical. Period.

I would suggest getting an appointment with a social worker or a child therapist. A therapist might be the better option to start with as I think they will be able to get a better picture from your child as to what is going on. There's a huge difference in using spanking once in a while for times when a child is deliberately disobeying while knowing the consequences, and using spanking out of anger and frustration or over every little thing. I can understand being worried especially if there were already anger issues involved. I've been spanked and I honestly think my dad did the right thing in those situations, and I hold no resentment to him for it. I think a therapist would be better equipped to form an unbiased opinion. Plus if they do think the spanking is becoming abusive, you will have their backing when talking to a social worker and have someone else to verify what your child is telling you, so it's obvious you arn't the one making things up. Obviously I don't believe you are, and I doubt your child is making it up either.

I would really go through mediation for an adjustment to your child parenting plan to include discipline. Do not get social services involved until after you go through court for an parenting plan adjustment because it may look like parental interference and that could negativity effect your credibility in court.

I do not know much about the family code in California, but in Texas where I live he has the right to spank her. In fact I would bet that is the case there also. Getting him ordered to stop by the court would take drastic action. It would require him to be shown to the judge as a danger to the child.

I have served as a full time police officer here in Texas and am fixing to start working part time as a police officer again. I currently work full time in emergency medical services. I tell you that so you can see where I come from on what follows.

I was spanked as a child and feel that is was a vital part of teaching me me right and wrong, but also teaching me real word consequences. My dad had a tempter, but he never spanked me out of anger. He did spank me a few times when he was mad, but not BECAUSE he was mad. And the best I can remember they were not any worse when he was mad. If you think your ex husband would beat your daughter and harm her go to the judge NOW. Notice I say beat, not spank, because there is a huge difference. When I have called and talked with Child Protective Services (CPS) here about the line between abuse and discipline in a case I was investigating the case worker always asked me if there was bruising. If I said yes they would request the photographs of the bruises. My cases always involved very light bruises at most and was never called abuse by CPS. If CPS would not call it abuse the district attorneys office would not prosecute it. Spanking her in public will get them turned in but that will be as far as it goes with no physical harm. But spanking her bare bottom in public my be considered abuse by some judges and depending on the circumstances some jury's. And by public I mean the middle of the store, not the bathroom. Many judges today consider slapping a child on the face abuse.

You could tell him that you do not agree with spanking but ask him that if he thinks he must spank her ask him to follow some rules. Be as civil as you can be and he may just surprise you. Do not tell your daughter the spanking rules. When you are alone ask her if she was spanked and how she was spanked. Then you can judge how your ex is treating your wishes.

Now having said that I spank both of my boys. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Spanking has a different effect on each. With my 7 year old spanking is effective discipline. But with my 4 (for two more weeks) year old, not so much. Spanking him just makes him very angry. He don't really cry he just gives you this look that could kill. But grounding him from his hockey stick just destroys him. You got to find what works for each kid.

Sorry so much of this was off topic for your question, but I just would felt bad if I would have not told you.