[Travelinglady]

I got into this topic on the thread about my son's complaints, and now I see an article posted on PC about "helicopter parenting" and how it can be bad for mothers!

I had never heard the term until I went to my younger son's college orientation. But my understanding of it is parents who do "hover" over their children, getting involved in every aspect of their lives, including even doing things in college such as picking their majors, their courses, and calling them constantly to check on them.

As I mentioned in my previous thread, my son had written on Facebook that he felt like his parents were the exception to this approach, and that he felt like he had missed out on some things as a result.

I have to admit that my parents are too much this hovering way, even now that am an adult in my fifties. My mother still asks nosy financial questions, etc. When I was a college professor and getting ready to go to a conference to present a paper, they even insisted on going along. My mom even got mad at me when I was in my late twenties when I didn't put her name on a checking account I was opening!

As a result of that, and also because I've struggled with depression for a long time (partly due to my parents!), I did allow my kids to have more say-so about things and not hang over their every move.

Gee, I have a friend who filled out her son's college applications, etc. He even called her one time while she was visiting me to ask her "what he should do about going to his college class, since it was really pouring rain outside"! When I said to her that he must have been looking for an excuse to call, she said, "Oh, no," and didn't seem to think he was being any bit too babyish.

What do you folks think? Have you seen a lot of helicopter parenting? (On the other hand, BTW, my son says he does appreciate that he was able to learn how to do more things for himself. He is a really a take-charge person.)

[Rapunzel]

My parents, or at least my mom, are extreme helicopter parents, and it can be crippling, and even lethal. Out of the six of us, three never managed to get out. Of the other three, one sister was let out because she is just like mom and is messing up her own kids just as badly. The other two of us had to fight for our lives, rather literally. I'm the oldest, and every step towards living my own life was a major battle. As a child, I wasn't allowed to get involved in activities that I was interested in - I could only do the things that she wanted me to do, which was church programs only, and even those were questioned when I was a teenager and they started to involve more independence. I even got to the point where I gave up and didn't ask because I knew it would make my mother too anxious, and I missed out on a lot. She sabotaged me on my first attempt to choose a university - I was accepted but she made sure it was financially impossible so that I had to live with them another year. My second year, I found a way to leave, and she thought I shouldn't because she said she had a bad feeling about it. Once I broke free, there was almost no communication between us for years.

My brother hasn't had to fight quite so hard, but he lived near my parents after he was married, and was aware that they kept driving by his house constantly to see what he was doing. I advocated for him to be allowed to do sports and things, and he got to do some. He wanted to do body building as a teen, and he found a way to start by using bags of groceries as weights.

Two sisters are still at home and still dependent, and people admire my parents for taking care of their adult children. Only one of my sisters has a disability. The other one was not allowed to learn to drive, and was brainwashed into believing she can't earn her own income or live on her own. My other brother is dead. He was schizophrenic, and as a teenager he had a lot of trouble with social functioning at school, etc. Later on, as a young adult, he started wanting to finish school, go to college, look for a job, etc. Mom was worried that he would over-exert, so she told me she got his medication increased to stop him from trying those things. He eventually killed himself. He was hopeless about ever being able to do anything with his life.

I used to think that my parents were the only ones like that, and mine are pretty extreme, but I see other parents doing the same things. I have a neighbor who really triggers me, as I see her hovering over her children, protecting them. They are great kids, and responsible, and respectful and obedient - teenagers and one almost teenage now. She has protected them against germs and allergens, and I'm sure they have a lot more health problems than they would have if they had been allowed to build up some immunity. She is already making rules about her kids concerning their homes when they grow up, such as she is finally allowing them to have pets but she said they can't have any animals when they grow up until their youngest children are at least seven, because of germs.

I think that with my own kids I have gone the opposite way, wanting them to have freedom and confidence and independence. I didn't know how to be involved and supportive and not take over, and also I had never learned how to be in charge of my own life. I'm afraid that I haven't been involved enough with my kids, but now I'm afraid that I'm intruding if I even call them or ask to see them (my youngest two are still teenagers and their dad moved them 4 hours away at Christmas time). Finding an appropriate balance is hard when you have never known balanced parenting.

I'm a teacher, so dealing with the helipcopter parent is just one of my many day to day activities. I'm also a parent (and I was even a kid at one point), so I've had the pleasure of learning different "types" of parenting from many points of view.

I see it on a continuum more than it being a either you are one or the other kind of parent. Some parents are very hands-offish. While that can foster independence in kids, the danger is that you might not step in when it is really needed leaving the kid feeling a bit abandoned and floundering at times. On the other extreme are the stereotypical helicopter parents who I see as fearing to let their kids play in the dirt for fear they will skin their knees. Can be a huge problem when kids internalize that no matter what goes wrong, my parents will fix it for me. Hopefully, we as parents, have the discernment to teach our children healthy independence yet know when support and guidance and intervention are really needed. Unfortunately, life has a way of happening and being who we are, we goof up from time to time and our children being the animals they are have long memories of our tactical errors.

When we are ill, distracted, stressed, overworked, financially strained, etc., etc., etc., our powers to make ALL the right decisions at ALL the right times are off and we make mistakes, usually minor, and as your son clearly demonstrates by who he is as an adult, they survive our mistakes (even if they don't completely forget them.)

I think sometimes you have to be a helicopter parent about certain things. For instance, as a teacher I have always tried to stay pretty hands off when it comes to my kids and their school business. It is awkward to have a parent who is a teacher breathing down your neck, so I have tried not to do that to my fellow teachers very consciously. However, my middle son has multiple disabilities that I have learned over time require me to do much more "helicoptering" than I am really comfortable with. But I've learned if I don't step in, some very important accommodations and interventions get ignored (these are legally mandated accommodations) by some people if I don't stay on their case. I don't like doing it. I'm not comfortable doing it, but if I don't, my son suffers the consequences of their neglect (and it really is educational neglect that I am talking about). So yes, in those cases, I just own my helicoptering because if I don't, things really do fall seriously apart.

I've seen parents really have to fight for their kids in some cases, and very justifiably so, and still be called helicopter parents which in those cases is entirely uncalledfor. I remember that a girl in my son's grade had a severe, deadly allergy to peanuts. Her parents, rightfully so, had to be pretty helicoptery about expecting the school to make the cafeteria (all those peanut butter sandwiches -- must have caused them literal nightmares when you think about it) and the rest of the school was physically safe for their daughter. Some people thought they were being unreasonable and that their daughter's needs were being put above their own child's need to eat a peanut butter sandwich , but what were they to do? They had to step in to be sure their daughter was not going to literally die at school. It really was a life or death situation. Some people just couldn't perceive that; maybe they were being the truly helicoptery parents?

Generally, the helicopter parents that truly are just annoying though are the ones that call demanding to know why their child received an 89 on that paper instead of a 92. Or, the ones who will drop everything, including leaving work, to go buy their child a lunch at a restaurant and deliver it to school instead of just letting their child deal with a few hours of hunger as a natural consequence of being forgetful about their lunch bag or their lunch money. Most things aren't truly a crisis, and a good parent knows and is able to step in during the true crisis and allow their kids to find ways to manage the age-appropriate manageable stuff on their own. Unfortunately so many parents haven't figured out which is truly which, and kids either are left on their own to manage things that really they need some support with or the parents step in where they need to step back so their kids can develop age/developmentally appropriate coping skills.

[Travelinglady]

Said son who talks about our not being there for him "insisted" that we drive him to school every day because he didn't want to ride the bus for very long. And we gave in. I kept remembering that my parents lived about fifteen minutes from the school and my sis and I had to ride the bus for more than an hour when we grew up!

Having not had parents who were able to let go, I never did learn what being a "normal" parent is. And line between pampering and fostering independence.

I remember my mother saying she and her siblings had to walk a mile to get to the bus stop!

I have a feeling that my friend's son plans on coming right back home when he finishes college, and she will be perfectly fine about that. Sad to say, she tells me that he just goes to his classes at a big state school and then comes right back to his dorm. He's at home this summer and spends all the time in his room, evidently on the computer. I keep comparing my son (and his older sibling) to him, and I feel like at least they are able to be independent and I think will be able to go out and make a life for themselves. I tell them we are here for them if they need us, but I definitely don't want to be like my own parents.

I guess the question is: What is the happy medium? Oh, well, as we agree, we are all going to make mistakes as parents!

[constanceschofield]

I don't think it'll make any difference in the long run.

[bebop]

I just wanted to say I have seen kids that hover like that and do everything for them. it does not teach them one of the most important things in life....independence....we have to allow them to make mistakes and hopefully they learn from those.

[Leed]

My parents did absolutely NOTHING as far as "normal" parenting with us. We basically brought ourselves up. There were 4 of us, and my parents were alcoholics, so we were just "there" as far as they were concerned.

With my own children, I was quite over-protective, but I did NOT hover. I gave them the normal independence, i.e they walked to school when I thought they were old enough; they decided their own classes in high school with a little help, but no insistence on our part since they knew what they wanted to go into; they filled out their own college entrance forms with help from us since they didn't understand the forms, lol.

Once they left home, they were on their own! We did NOT interfere with their lives at ALL, unless they asked for help with something. THEY called US -- we didn't bother them unless we hadn't heard from them for awhile. That has made for a very GREAT relationship with them and I think they've grown into wonderful adults!

And that folks is the balance that parents have to find. The trick is that the point of balance is a bit difference for every kid so we sometimes have trouble finding that balance or we lose that balance from time to time.