Premature Infants and Attachment?

Hi all, I am not sure if this post is in the correct sub-board so please feel free to move it where it's appropriate. My post is regarding premature infants and attachment. I (along with my twin sister) were born very premature(27 or 28 weeks gestational age). Miraculously, she and I are both fine, as we have no health problems such as heart or lung problems or no neurological disorders such as cerebral palsy. Anyways, she and I were talking last night how we never had any sort of attachment to our mother. As children we never had any separation anxiety from her, we never let her come to close to us emotionally, and, she and I never really saw her as a "mother" figure, I intact told her when I was four that I liked my playmate's mommies more than she. Does anyone on this board have any answer to this or could at least point me in the correct direction? I would love to hear your responses. Thank you.

*Note*. I may add that my sister and I stayed in the NICU for a good 2 months after we were born. I believe we had jaundice or something of that sort.

i dont think it has anything to do with being born early. maybe you are just not attatching ppl? i would tell my mom that i liked other momies better than her. i always thought that they were nicer etc. i never really attached. my sister on the other hand, is like glued to my mom. so... maybe it has to do with personlities? im not a doc so i cant really tell

Hard to tell without having watched the circumstances over a period of time.....But I think it could have something to do with your being in the hospital so long and not immediately in the arms of your mom who could have taken you home very soon. I've also read that very premature babies have a more piercing cry that can be more nerve-wracking than the average baby's cry.

My twin sis and I were a month premature, but we attached. I stayed in the hospital 2 weeks, and my sis 1 week, if I remember correctly.

Or if could have been something about how your mom treated you, that might or might not have been due to your being premature. She might have treated you the same way had you been full-term. That could be a likely possibility since you even told your mom you liked other moms best. Do you think if they were your moms, you could have attached to them?

What I have been thinking regarding my lack of attachment with my mother may have to do with a long hospital stay directly after birth, thus missing a crucial attachment period. If my childhood friend's moms were my mom it's hard to say whether I'd be attached to them or not. I liked them because they seemed to be nicer and more permissive than my mom, but that could only be because I was a household guest at the time.
However some of this possible lack of attachment may have carried over into relationships I have people today: I do not readily trust anyone I meet thus I only have a couple of close friends. My sister is a little more trusting than I am, but her hospital stay was not as long as mine. Her thing is that she doesn't get too attached in romantic relationships; ending as soon as they start( of course she it may be because she hasn't found the right person yet).

Awwww, I can relate to the preemie thing...I was born two months early and spent approximately 2 additional months in hospital before I could go home. At the time I was born, I had been given up for adoption, birth mothers were not permitted to hold their babies after giving birth...and my parents were not in the picture yet. I have done some research on this (incubator babies) and apparently there is some scientific evidence that supports the notion that infants that are not held/cuddled/had human touch in the first couple of months can show signs of detatchment disorder. I heard something just the other day, in fact, about this incredibly, innovative "sleeve" a mom developed as a direct result of her precious baby being born early and the emotional pain it caused her to not be able to hold her child...and also out of her concern for her child not being able to bond right away ... neonatal ergonomically designed. I believe it is called The Zaky

While in the NICU, I don't know if my mom held me or not. I do know that today that I don't let her get to close to me: there's much about me that I don't share with her, or with anyone other than my sister, my best friend(who is also a twin) and my boyfriend. As you can see I don't readily trust people, maybe because the possible lack of early bonding?
Anyways, I don't want to scare anyone on this forum with a premature infant, there could be many other reasons why I don't feel any attachment to my mom... It's almost like my mom is somebody else (I am not adopted as far as I know but you get the picture, right?).

I don't know if my parents were allowed to hold my sister or me given the circumstances of our birth. But I do know this:I do not allow my mom to get very close to me, there is so much I don't share with her, or with anyone for that matter. I don't readily trust people, maybe because of the lack of bonding directly after birth?
Anyways, I never felt my mom was really my mom. I know I am not adopted, my parents are indeed my biological parents as I resemble both. But since I never felt any attachment to my mom it feels like she's not really my mom( you get the picture, right?).
Lastly, I don't want to scare anyone with a premature infant. There could be other factors as to why I am not attached to my mom.

I have heard that babies in foreign orphanages who don't get much care other than just what's necessary can end up with trouble attaching....

I was a preemie and spent the first 3 months of my life in nicu. I have mild cp, but have been told that as an infant I 'forgot' to cry. I don't feel it's because I'm a preemie that I'm not close to my mom because I'm close to my father. I was the representation of my mother's failings as a female and strangers made sure she knew this. She had severe ppd after each of us.

Why did people consider her a "failure"? Because she didn't carry you full-term? I have wondered if some women have felt this way.

Why did people consider her a "failure"? I think it was pure ignorance. It's the she must have done something wrong while pregnant because that couldn't happen to a good parent.

Why did she feel like a "failure"? I was one of three preemie pregnancies and the only preemie to survive. I was suppose to be the last child but I have a younger sister

Could the mother of premies be sort of hesitant to bond, worrying that the kids are fragile and she might lose them? Or look at them and keep remembering that people see her as a failure, so be sort of unattached?

The care of preemies now is SO different than it was years ago. Back then, people didn't think it was a good idea to hold preemies because of germs and stuff. Now, kangaroo care (skin to skin contact) is recommended, even for the smallest babies. My niece was 13.5 ounces when she was born 10 years ago, and her parents were allowed to touch her (obviously not to hold her for quite a long time because she was SO small).
It's hard to learn to attach to someone if during those crucial first months, you are not allowed to

Thanks nicoleb2 for your post. Both my girls now almost 11 and 15 were born 7/8 weeks premature. They didn't know why this happened. I did miss holding them right after birth, but instead got to hold them a fews hours later and I did the Kangaroo care. Although I went home without them, I spent all day at the Neonatal Intensive Care unit. I held them every chance I got and breast fed them - at 1st they couldn't latch on but eventually they got it. I now have 2 very affectionate and bonded young ladies. I made a point of establishing that physical bond and even today work on making a valuable connection with my girls. Several times a day they get giant hugs.

If the infant doesn't have this opportunity to bond, he/she can form attachment problems but there's also other factors as well. There are some disorders which cause attachment issues even with the best parent. In addition twins often bond with their twin sibling more so than the parent.

Funny thing is, my dog is exactly like my girls lol. We hugged / kissed her as a puppy and trained her with positive discipline so we all understand /relate to each other well. She's also super affectionate.