Different Parenting Styles.....

Sorry in advance if this is long. For those who don't know me, I have 2 daughters almost 15 and 11 (birthdays in Dec and Jan). More of my history's in my 'about me' on my profile. Husband is Lebanese (muslim) background - very strict etc. I've done 99% of the parenting and he's the financial support. I've more than prepared my girls for the outside world and life - its an ongoing process.

We own a spa, so I was getting my hair colored -oldest stayed home for studying an early exam for a civics course that is ending early. He proceeds to calmly tell me this story - "I have a customer who has a son from another school, who knows this boy at D's school." He said this boy said "I'm playing so nice with her, because I can't wait to get in her pants." He wouldn't say who this customer is or give a name. I then said "well good luck to him because I've warned her about this and she doesn't want to risk hurting herself by getting sexually involved too early." He said "she should know this is a small world" - meaning he could find out if wrong things are being done(seems like a threat). He said "well why does she even need to talk at all with boys?" I said it doesn't matter how many or how much she talks as long as she doesn't cross her boundaries. A boy can't get anywhere if she doesn't let it happen. I also don't think socially isolating is the way to go.

Sadly everything my husband has done, has somewhat tarnished my oldests ability to trust a boy. I've worked hard at preparing and teaching my girls about life and the risks of getting too deep with Bf's and GF's. Its a fine line of preparing rather than scaring or scarring them for future relationships. H tends to resort to being too strict or scaring tactics to teach children. I prefer the gentler approach of being honest and educating. Once when they were small, he told them snakes would grow in their stomach if they bite their nails.

He's so out of the actual parenting, that he hardly knows how lucky he is with having great kids and the great job I've done. My oldest is smart with 90's so far in all her subjects, she can sing like a professional and most of all she has a great heart but is street/life smart. She started a Healthy Minds club to promote mental health awareness, anti-bullying and education about abusive relationships. She's also trained in Karate.

I grew up too shy to talk to boys, where I ended up very naive and unprepared. My mother didn't prepare me for the bad world or relationships. If there's one thing I'm proud of is, I'm a great mother and love both my girls with my heart and soul. He has nothing to worry about. She wrote him an email explaining how she feels taken for granted. Sure he knows she's smart and talented but doesn't know how great her morals and goals in life are. He's full of fear and paranoid which is blinding him from seeing how great his kids are.

unfortunately, there's knowing, and there's feeling. My mom knew and acted like the original liberated woman, but when it came to me, she still saw me as a little Italian girl. The older (ie marriageable) your daughters get, the more they will matter to your husband. I didn't matter to my parents except as marriage material. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it. Fortunately, they weren't willing to risk anything if I stepped out of line. I hope you can get thru to your husband that the girls are okay as they are, and where they are. The "good news" is, he hardly has anyplace to take them back to. He may be upset about this and need more sympathy, and the girls should recognize more where they come from?

Thanks for your response ((hankster)). So far both my girls have strong self esteem and I believe that's the key to protecting them from getting involved too early with relationships. Most young girls crave attention to boost their self esteem. I've instilled the most important thing ATM is getting a good education, so they can be independent later in life.

His niece married a supposedly nice Muslim man and even agreed to wear the Hijab and he ended up dumping her 3 months later. My oldest is so wise and she's extraordinary. Most young girls have risky cleavage pics of themselves and my daughter chooses pics from the shoulders up voluntarily. She has more pics of our dog Bella lol. He should think how he'd feel if she was doing drugs, skipping school, drinking or worse. Honestly he's so dumb and clueless. If I had the money I could parent by myself just fine. I've been on edge all day because it felt like I was defending my own child and my job as a parent.

Hi Lynn, I wish there was something I could say to help. I think you've already said what you need to hear. As you tell it, your husband is his usual imbecilic self.

You talk a lot about your oldest. Do you think your younger may worry about having to reach the same high bar?

That's a good questions di mel. I noticed these problems started with my oldest when she became a teenager and this is because of his own fears...not from anything my daughter does at all. TBH both my kids are so great and I'm so fortunate. Just to get internet on the other home computer(he has it on his) it took ridiculous convincing on my part - he was fearful she would get involved in sexual type chatting. Yes this is a realistic fear but I've taught both daughters well and the computers in the living room. Just to get my oldest an Ipod - had to go through the same convincing. My youngest got one last Xmas more easily.

Since my youngest will be 11 in Jan. those same fears aren't there yet. I don't know if it will be easier for her or not. I suspect it will happen and got a hint of that this past summer. I bought my youngest a 2 piece bathing suit and when he saw it he said - "you know soon you'll need to start buying a skirt type suit?" We only swim on our pool with me, the oldest and the youngest. The bottom completely covers the rear.

He responded to my oldest email and was impressed. He needs to trust I've raised them well to make their own decisions, rather than sheltering them excessively. I'm not saying she shouldn't have any boundaries but he's way too worried. He doesn't realize how lucky he is and she told him this. If she was getting too involved with boys, drugs, bad grades etc then he should worry. She got her report yesterday and her marks are 98, 95, 94 and 87. He needs to learn he doesn't have to control his children if they've already been taught good lessons. I've seen parents who hang on too tight and their kids end up rebelling/going wild.