Tantrums

My 2 year old is a handful. His tantrums are more than just terrible two tantrums, he kicks, hits, screams and bites sometimes. I can never tell what will set him off. He also has a very obsessive, and things must be done exactly how he says or else. It's not just having routine... It's him demning things be done his way. He is very intelligent and advance for his age and he has myself and my husband giving into him all the time bc of the tantrums. Its gottn to the point where i dont want to bring him anywhere. When he is at daycare or a sitter he is always so well behaved. I work very long hours, then come home to him, at first it's hugs and kisses then he will find something to tantrum about. I am exhausted. I try to be patient with him, but sometimes his tantrums set off a mood swing and I end up giving in just to get him to stop crying. My mother says he misbehaves at home bc I work all the time and I am too lenient with him. I don't know what to do, he is big for his age and often over powers me.

My son acts a lot how my brother did as his age, and he is now a 22 year old drug addict with anger issues that bullies my mother and was physically abusive towards me when we were kids. It terrifies me and makes me not want anymore kids!

How can I get control of this situation and still keep my cool? My mother was always a screamer and sometimes verbally abusive. I am scarred I will become like her, I already find myself loosing my cool and yelling sometimes. Help!

First thing you need to do is stop giving in when he has a tantrum (I know how hard that is, I have 2 kids).
By giving in when he's been at it a while, he is learning that he just has to tantrum to get what he wants

Hi and sorry you're having a difficult time with your son's tantrums and other behaviors. Since he's resembling your brothers behavior, you may need to consult your sons doctor if other methods don't work. I'm a parent of 2 girls so I'll try to offer suggestions. First off its normal for kids this age to have tantrums and for them to assert themselves...but there's a limit of course.

This is what helps with my girls tantrums - I would let them go through the tantrum and not pay attention to the behavior...unless I was in a store and in that case I would take them home. If he's hurting you, its best to try to restrain him calmly so he doesn't hurt you. What you don't want to do is, try not to negotiate or deal with him when he's in meltdown - it falls on deaf ears. Have you noticed if his tantrums happen when he's bored, tired or hungry? What you don't want to do is give in when he's having the tantrum - being consistent is important. Having a routine at home and activities to keep him busy also helps.

My suggestions is to get yourself and your child in for therapy. The fact that he is biting and hitting is a problem and it will only get worse as he gets bigger. Tantrums are normal, but hitting and biting during them is not. There are infant mental health programs (which usually go up to age 5 or so), or child therapy with therapists who work with young children that you can look into specifically for working with these types of problems.

Part of what will need to change is you stop giving into him. He has learned that he can get away with what he wants as long as he tantrums enough. But persevere with not giving in and it can get better.

The fact that he doesn't do this in daycare says that this is something you need to get some help with to break the pattern you have gotten into with him. Find a good child therapist who will work with both of you to learn better ways of managing his behavior.

try making a space where he can't break anything, hurt himself or anyone/thing and put him there when the tantrum starts. Tell him he can come out whenever he wants to stop. And then just let him be. Don't give in no matter what.

Because you have established a pattern of giving in it is going to be very hard to break this vicious cycle but it can be done. Good luck.

I can't wait until I have my own house, because it will be much easier to establish time outs, or just let him scream on his bedroom floor, right now it's the 3 of us in a cramped room living with my parents and 3 siblings. All we can fit is our bed and his crib, in the past when he would misbehave I would put him in his crib and when he would calm down take him out. Now he's too big and can climb out. I try to reprimand him but its hard when I tell him no and walk away for a split second and my mother, father or sister lets him do something. Also he is very spoiled by other family members. I am glad that you say it can be done, I hope once we have a better living situation it will help.

I'm sorry. I know how frustrating this can be. My son is 2 as well. I've found that consistency is the key. Allow them to have tantrums.. Ignore it. Smile when it's over and say "well is that out of your system". Easier said than don. It's normal for children to test the boundaries, to see how far they can get. Remember you are the parent. Consistency is the key.
If it involves hitting or throwing, ect. We have a time out chair. Most people don't agree with this technique and say children don't understand the concept. My son does. 1 minute per the age of the child... So they say.
I think the key is consistency. As well as making sure everyone else he lives with abides by the "rules" you set as parents.
I think it will be very hard at first however in time you may see results. I hope.
Stay strong and love him in spite of it all. He is just trying to figure the world out. Children are smart!!
Take care.. From what I've read this won't last long. Lol.. hmm but we are learning as we go.
God bless,
Cotton

I have to disagree, especially with a 2 year old. Both of my children went through a hitting/biting phase, as did my brother, who is now 14.

I don't see why it would be necessary to get into therapy with a 2 year old, who is capable of behaving (as evidenced by daycare).

Try to figure out what is triggering him to have the tantrums. Then figure out was he hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sick, vulnerable in any other ways?

It could be that he doesn';t know how to express that he doesn't like you to leave him, it could be so many other things.

I suggested therapy, not really for the 2-year-old, but for the parents as this seems to be a problem in knowing how to parent and work with a child with tantrums.

I agree that he probably can't express it, I am trying my hardest to understand what his needs might be since he can't really communicate them yet on his own. I don't see need for a 2 year old to be in therapy either, though i am sure I should be, especially since I have an irrational fear of messing my son up, and that I'm not a good enough of a parent for him.

Therein might be the problem, and that would be definitely something you should work through because it is bound to affect how you parent your son. It may be affecting your ability to set clear and consistent boundaries with your son (or some other issues along that line), and therapy to a) work on your fears and anxieties about that, and b) learn how to have more confidence and skill in working with your son will go a long way toward correcting these issues now, when they truly are much more easily correctable than a few years down the road when patterns of behavior are much harder to correct. Find a therapist who has experience working with parenting skills/children so that your therapy hits all of those dynamics.

I try to reprimand him but its hard when I tell him no and walk away for a split second and my mother, father or sister lets him do something.

I'm so sorry for you!! That is totally unacceptable. How is he supposed to learn respect for his mother if they undermine your authority? Have you asked them how they would have felt if someone had done this to them while they were raising you? Consistency is a must for a child. It gives them a sense of safety to know where clearly established lines are. Plus if you can play one adult against another why behave? What does it matter how he acts if others undermine you and the consequences for his actions? I'm very sorry you are stuck in that tough of a situation. Do you think it would do any good to explain how their behavior is negatively impacting your relationship with your son?

Thank you raindrop for understanding, it is a very hard situation to be in, especially with my mother. I am bipolar and she has an undiagnosed mood disorder as well, there is always tension between us. And she is very inconsistent with the advice she gives me about dealing with my son, one second he's being a normal 2 year old going through his terrible twos, another second he is out of control and I don't know how to handle him. She does the same thing to me as well... One minute I'm fine there's nothing wrong with me, the next I'm irrational and need help. If I try to talk to her she will take it as an offense and it will start a huge fight, I know her. I am just hoping I can get out of their house soon. don't get me wrong i am so greatful my parents let us live here, because we were not on our feet when I got pregnant. But it's not the environment I would like my son to grow up in, especially when my mother is so hot and cold towards him, and me.

coming from someone who has worked both as a nanny and nursery teacher/head mistress for 20 years mainly with 2-5's, living in an environment as yours is with the uncertainty of how your mum will react to your son is definitely going to affect his behaviour, he needs consistency in his home life to feel safe and loved. I understand you can do little about your mums behaviour, but you can make your bedroom a safe zone, i would try putting him in your bedroom (not on his bed or he will associate bed time as punishment) as soon as the tantrum starts, tell him you are putting him in there because his behaviour is upsetting you and he can come out when he is ready to be nice again. close the door and stand outside it, holding it closed if necessary. that way other family members can not interfere with your actions. your son will learn that having tantrums leads to being excluded from things and upsets people, these are the two things which children do not want to do. their aim in life at two is to be as nosy as possible and be liked by everyone. so he will soon learn that to achieve these he has to stop the tantrums.
two year old tantrums are normal, biting and kicking are pretty common through these. it is how you deal with these actions that will determin how many times they occur. there is nothing wrong in telling your son he will not be allowed to go to a friends or the park that afternoon because he bit you as long as you keep to this, i personally would drum it home too by every so often during the afternoon telling him ..do you realise if you had not bit mummy this morning you could have been playing with ...now! it works believe me i did it once, that is all it took!
another one is to not read a bed time story, but sit there with him reminding him that there is no story because he bit you, he will probably kick off, but simpply walk out and stand behind the closed door till he calms down then simply go in and kiss him good night before going out again.
you have to be consistent and follow through with everything so if family are not willing to stick to what you say to him then you have to find pleasurable things you can stop which they can not interfere with or be on guard to stop them interfereing when you are following through a punishment.
do not get stuck in the trap of only acknowledgeing the bad behaviour, you need to balance that with rewarding the good behaviours too. rewards can be a cuddle, your time/attention or a sticker on a chart.
a star chart may be just the job for him, get a piece of plain paper, a coloured felt pen and some blu tack, sit him down with you, explain that whenever he has a tantrum it makes you feel bad, you do not like feeling bad, so for every night that he does not make you feel bad you will draw a star on the paper for him, and when he has three stars you will take him to the park or whatever you deem a good reward (not a new item or sweets) then ask him where you should stick the paper so you can both see it and do so together. remind him of the chart when you come home each night.. remember there has to be no tantrums tonight if you want mummy to draw your star. when he has three stars follow up with the reward, make a big thing of it, tell the rest of the family what you are going to do, let him show them his three stars on the chart, phone uncle whoever in tiland, take the star chart to nursery to show his teacher whatever but make out like its the best thing ever as this will really make him feel proud of his achievement even if it took 6 weeks to get three stars still make a big thing of it. then make the next reward when he reaches 5stars, then 10 etc till he no longer relies on the chart to be good! this works really well if followed through properly and because he only gets a star when you draw it in your 'special pen' others can't interfere with it if you keep the pen safe.

When you look at therapy for children this young, it is not therapy where you go in and have the child sit on the couch and talk to the therapist, or even have the child play the whole time with the therapist. Instead, it is working with the parent's on their parenting skills and their ability to work with their child. Biting is not normal behavior. And it will get children kicked out of daycare if it happens there.

We did in-home family therapy with my daughter for a while, due to adhd stuff. But for the biting when they were little, our doctor told us it was likely a phase, lots of children go through it.
Obviously as the child grows, it has to stop. I guess the big difference here, is the boy recently turned 2, nearly 3?

He turned two in September.

I know he is young, but I am sometimes very worried he will end up with some sort of mental health issue due to my families history... ADD, ODD, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, etc... When I am having a very bad mixed episode I overreact and get scared, hence my first post in this thread. Today I have been level headed, and though Hunter was difficult, I was able to handle it appropriately. I am just worried he feeds off my emotions, which are not very stable.

Kids definitely can feed off of our emotions, which can make life difficult.

As for the add, mood/anxiety disorders and stuff, if it is going to happen, it will happen.

I have a 10 year old with adhd. It sucks, but it isn't the end of the world

My daughter started with tantrums similar to what you described at 2 also. I knew it was not the normal terrible two behavior and took her to a therapist. After some time the psychologist told me she was ADHD and ODD and started talking medication which I refused. I am a stay at home mom and I just decided to deal with it. Well she is 5 now and in kindergarten. Within the first few days of school there were issues. Mainly that she can't focus and trouble getting starte and finishing her work. Well I decided to go to the psychiatrist and discuss medication. What we ended up doing was a very low dose adderal just 5mg in the morning and at noon and 2.5mg at 4pm. Immediately we all noticed an improvement at school which made it well worth it. My daughter calls her medicine her focus pill and will tell you real quick it helps her. Just recently the ODD behavior is getting worse and I am trying to figure out what to do. Just today it took forty-five minutes to get her to complete a five minute time out. She seems to have here episodes mainly when she is tired and they are always directed at me. Like yesterday she screamed and hollered and for the first time threatened to hit me with my own cane. Afterwards she shows remorse and tells me how sorry she is and if asked se says he doesn't know why she acts this way. We are moving soon and I Hope new surroundings including grandparents and other family and new psychiatrist and therapist helps.

You are carrying a lot of stress and fear around with you. Your child senses that. He feels out of control because there is no one in control. Children NEED boundaries. He behaves at Day Care because that is what is expected of him. There are rules, structure and consistency.
My granddaughter can be a holy terror… when her mother is here. I cannot get her to eat properly ever, but she sits at the table until the meal is finished. When she’s here with us alone, she knows that this is the rule. I will not force her to eat, but mealtime is not playtime. She’ll sit there and pick at her food and talk while we eat. But if her mother is here, forget about it! The baby has her number. She’s up, she’s down, and she’s running around. Because her mother allows this behavior. She’s only 3 but children are clever things. Her mother called me last week laughing. The baby had sat her doll/stuffed animals around her table and said "we're at Grammy’s house, we sit at the table until dinner is over.”
You have taught him that he will get what he wants with his tantrums. Now you have to teach him positive ways to get his needs met. Are the fits at a certain time? Is he over tired? Is it when YOU are over stressed? Or when there is a lot of turmoil going on in the house?

AAAAA makes some very valid points.

(It's good to see a post from you, AAAAA - been thinking about your Peanut....hope he's doing well.)

I was visiting with my SIL early one morning when her toddler granddaughter started to throw a tantrum because she wanted breakfast - but it wasn't ready yet. She got louder when she realized no one was paying attention.

My nephew (her father) came downstairs, and she ran over to him screaming. She threw herself to the floor, crying as loud as she could. My nephew gingerly stepped over her, walked over to the coffee pot, and sat down in his seat at the table.

His daughter stopped crying, got up and walked over to him. He picked her up with a smile and said "Good morning, sweetheart." She said/gestured "I'm hungry." He said "Me too, but we're just going to have to wait.....it's almost ready." She settled down and waited right along with him.

I was impressed with how he handled the situation.

Thanks (((Kathy))) Peanut is well and has just informed me he's getting married ah the stresses of parenthood never end. Well to be fair, he asked my opinion and politetly stated he was getting married anyway.