Concerned for my son

my son is 10 now. Hes had a rough road up till now, and has a lot of anger. Most of that anger is completely understandable. The concern now is how he handles the emotions he has

Recently we have figured out that no form of discipline works for him. I could ground him to the ends of this earth (I've never gone to that extreme) and it does not phase him one bit. He simply looks at me and tells me he does not care. But within hours of being disciplined for something (typically he loses a priviledge, and for major things we take his books away which for a while was the only thing that was effective) hes acting out strongly. Most recently he has started peeing on his bedroom walls. When confronted about it, even when caught in the act, he solidly denied it. When finally faced with the fact he was caught, he admitted it and told us he did it because he was angry.

We are at a loss. He was such a happy little boy, and still is when not at home. But the moment we come home, he changes. We have set him an appointment with a psychiatrist on the advice of his counseling team. But as it stands I worry about him alot. Somethign is going on, somethings not quite right and I just want answers so we can start the process of helping him

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully a T will be able to help figure out what some of the main issues are, and teach him some ways to calm himself down. I would imagine he does not like feeling angry all the time. It might be helpful to ask him if he likes to be angry all the time (do this when he is not agitated and when you have tome to sit down and talk). I'm guessing his answer will be no. Then talk about things that help you when you are angry. Maybe counting back from 10. Rubbing a special stone, that he can keep in his pocket. Praying a simple prayer (like the serenity prayer). Jumping up and down as high as he can. Ripping apart a thick phone book (takes lots of energy) or cardboard boxes like soda boxes. Maybe punching a specific pillow (this is best for those with non-violent tendencies and who haven't been exposed to violence, and I think is better for girls because they are less inclined to punch other things). Hope that helps some. The rock worked best for my nephew because his problems were more in class and it was something he could have with him everywhere, not just home, but it sounds like some of the other techniques might be more effective for your son.

In the case that he does like being angry, ask him why, usually power related, and definitely go over it with the T.

Thank you. While we have tried several things, some of the suggestions you gave are new ideas to us and we will look into them. He has been in counseling for several years now, but no progress has been made, things have actually gotten worse. I think part of it is he doesn't trust the counselor enough to talk to them (he trusts no one outside the family, never has).

He is not in public school any longer due to being so advanced academically, so we will see what method will best help him that would not be destructive.

Is a tutor coming , is he in private school or home schooled? Do you have any other children ? Does he act out outside home ? Can a therapist come to your home?

Oh My! I'm so sorry (((Worried))) Have you learned anything new? It sounds like he's trying to push you to the limits. To test your love for him perhaps?

When you say that he has had a rough road and his anger is understandable, what do you mean?

I have been looking at some guided imagery CD's. There is one for children to help them handle anger, the confusion of growing up, the frustration of not having their desires met immediately and many of the other growing pains experienced by all children.

I used guided imagery to help with some health issues and it was very effective. I lsitened to the tape for about 1/2 hour a day. It not only made me feel better but it relaxed me and made me feel at peace. I'm not saying it will work for your son but it can't hurt. Give it a try.

for my 7 year old, my therapist has recommended trying coping skills like distracting or strong sensations (sour candy, splash cold water on face or take a cold shower).

She suggested that trying to get him to talk at all when he's angry is probably not going to work because the anger is so intense, so anything that gets him away from being hurtful or destructive during that period is best, and then talk when he's not angry, explain that you want him to do these things so he dooesn't get in trouble..

Dear Nic,
There's always a pattern when you take a step back , and look at any given situation when it comes to parent/child interaction.
1.He knows exactly how you, or significant other will respond to his wide variety of behaviors. Be it calm, and cool, or acting out.
2. Discover what his triggers are, and craft a response that is entirely opposite of what he expects. This will catch him off guard, and possibly diffuse a potential outburst.
3. Consistency is the key.
4. Sounds like daily structure, and routine are critical.
5.Lastly for now, is what message are you sending when you praise, or discipline your son. Do not make promises that you may have to alter. If at any time you have to reprimand with a verbal warning, and he violates it, you MUST follow through with said consequences, if you fail to enforce it, subsequently the message you have sent is that there is NO price to pay for disobedience. Etc.......
PS. BOTH PARENTS MUST ACT IN CONCERT, MAKING AN AGREEMENT TO BACK THE OTHER UP FOR PARENTING TO SUCCEED IN ANY OF THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ! And I am, Your Sad_Dad2012

Sorry I did not get your name correct....SD