[peacequest]

I'm a concerned grandmother of a beautiful eight-year-old boy who had been living with his biological mother but three months ago the mom gave physical custody of my grandson to my son and his wife. I have been noticing that my son's wife, the stepmom to my grandson, is cold and harsh to my grandson. For example, she has taken away his DS-game, his X-box, and a favorite chair that was in his room as a means of punishing him for not wanting to go grocery shopping with her, refusing to tie his shoes because he hasn't been shown how to, and "not respecting" her. My son and daughter-in-law have told my grandson that they would sell the X-box and DS game to someone if his behavior didn’t improve. He doesn't have much in the way of toys. I gave him a bicycle in the summer, but the parents don't teach him how to ride it. Last time I was at my son's and daughter-in-law's home, I noticed in my grandson's room are two huge posters on the wall, one lists all the chores he has must do, which I think is good. The other poster consists of several sentences that state what he is not allowed to do and if he does it what the consequences will be, but it is written in such a harsh manner that it looks like something you would expect to be posted on the wall of a reform school. My grandson is not his happy self that he used to be. He acts lethargic and cries a great deal of the time. The other problem is that the stepmom puts the boy's mother down in front of him as well as putting the boy's father (my son) down in front of him. He is sick a lot, doesn't eat, and is extremely thin. The stepmom says they have battles over food and that he's making her life really difficult. Currently, the boy has a fever, swollen glands, and flu-like symptoms. She and the boy's father (my son) are reluctant to take him to the doctor because they don't want him to be on antibiotics needlessly. I might add that my daughter-in-law is a very intelligent woman. She is a nursing student and very well versed in health issues. She is also about to give birth to her own child (any day now) and this is where most of her focus is, which is understandable. But when I see how harshly she speaks to my grandson and how cold she is to him, I am disturbed. My son, the boy's father, isn't much help. He is an engineer, has a good job, but also drinks too much (in my opinion) and plays poker weekly. His whole life appears to be work, playing poker and having his beers. So he delegates the main job of disciplining my grandson to his wife, the stepmom. Am I overreacting here or do I have some valid concerns? I don't want to interfere with the way they raise my grandson, but I would appreciate any feedback that would help me continue being a positive presence in my grandson's life while at the same time not alienating his parents. So far, I've kept out of it, but I see my poor grandson turn from a happy child to one who is anxious, depressed, sick most of the time, and showing signs of behavioral problems. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

[KathyM]

(((Peacequest)))

I'm equally concerned about your grandson, and a little more than ticked off at his stepmom. If she thinks she's doing herself any favors, she better think twice because it will backfire. He's a boy, not a dog, and he needs to be nurtured into adulthood. If her goal is to make him "obey her commands," she will have to establish trust. In order to establish trust, he needs to know/feel that she truly cares about him - better yet, he needs to know that she loves him. Does she love him? From where I'm sitting, it sounds to me she considers him a nuisance/burden in her life.

Children and dogs are different, but both can tell when they are unwanted. If she resents the child, if she does not like him, that's HER problem. But it's a problem she's going to need to address now because it will only get worse when he becomes a teenager.

She can start by biting her tongue whenever she gets to urge to badmouth the boy's mother OR father. If she has an issue with either one, it's none of the boy's business or responsibility because his relationship with both is different. He has a right to maintain or develop his own feelings towards his mother and father.

Your example of her punishment (taking away toys because he refused to go shopping with her) sounds like a complete waste of "punishment" in my eyes. If my son had refused me at that age, I would have simply told him "You don't have a say in the matter, so it's not up for discussion. I need to go shopping and you can't be left alone, so get in the car...NOW." Then again, that never happened because my son trusted my judgment and knew his welfare was my number one concern.

My heart goes out to you and your grandson.

[KathyM]

Oops.....I went all off on the boy's stepmom, and never addressed your question.

Continue to be a positive influence in your grandson's life and let him know how much you love and care about him. Encourage him to obey "house rules" in order to avoid punishment. It would be tempting in this case, but I would advise against badmouthing the stepmom with him even when she appears completely unreasonable. It will only confuse him further and make life more difficult for him at home. Instead, you can tell him it's an early opportunity for him to learn how to deal with unreasonable people who have the upper hand in life - of which there are many.

Is there any way to discuss these concerns with the stepmom in a "adult" way without either one of you becoming angry or defensive? It would be nice if you all could be on the same page when it comes to raising the boy, but she's going to have to step up to the plate and show as much love and concern for the boy as you do.

[nicoleb2]

Kathy, I agree with a lot of what you said. It is also up to the boys father to step up to the plate and be a father. Unfortunately, there's no forcing either one of the adults to act like reasonable parents.
Peacequest, take your grandson to your home, or out to do things when you can. Model the positive behavior he should be seeing at home.

[lollycat79]

I am very disturbed that this boy is 8 years old and has not been given the proper attention need to learn how to tie his own shoe-laces.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by lollycat79

I am very disturbed that this boy is 8 years old and has not been given the proper attention need to learn how to tie his own shoe-laces.

My son is 7.5 and has received plenty of attention trying to learn how o tie his shoes. You might be surprised at the number of 8 year olds that cannot tie their shoes.

[tomboy2011]

im 16 so idk if this will help any but ill try ... are u close to your grandson if u are mabey u could talk to him on how he is feeling/why he dont eat or even a list of his fav foods so u could cook them for him when hes with u somthing to let him know that he is cared for mabey u could try and see if u can switch the poster with a dry erase board so he can cheak off the things he needs to do and try to have a reward if u can ... could u talk to his stepmom about this also about your son drinking its REALY not a good idea to have beer and stuff when your grandson gets to be a teen .... if your son drinks to much he could snap easy aswell what i do for my nephew who is like 11 i get him a goody bag of stuff from the dollor store and he loves it every time .... hope i was a little help hugs