Building Relationships w/ Teachers

I am wondering if anyone has advice for building good relationships with middle school teachers? I am having a tough time with my kid's teacher this year.

We actually had met outside of context of school and it was one of those times where I met someone and instantly disliked her. I had no idea that she was a teacher at my kid's school at the time. When I walked in to my son's class during summer orientation and saw her, my heart just sank.

The teacher was quite rude to me when we met, in the first two seconds of conversing. I'm stuck with her until June and trying to make the best of it. However, I feel that she is singling out my son. He tells me that she is mean and yells at him. She also has made a number of "mistakes" on grading his papers, and has marked off answers that we correct. That has happened about 5 times that I've caught, and I have sent the papers back to her. She has not corrected his grades, however.

This woman is driving me crazy! Usually I feel that I want to help my kid's teacher as much as possible but it's getting really tough for me this year. I feel like I want to call her boss up and have a chat. I also want to take my son's side when he complains about his teacher, but I don't think it wise for me to vocalize my opinion there.

Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences?

I don't necessarily think it is unwise to tell your son that you are on his side. Just point out theres not always anything you can do about it.
If you have spoken to the teacher several times, and nothing has changed, you have every right and reason to go to the principal.
At the same time, teachers talk, and you don't want to be seen as "that" parent. You really have to weigh whether it is going to help or hurt in the long run

i would try meeting with the teacher in private and see what her problem with your son is first, before going to the principle. however, if she for some reason refuses to meet with you, then by all means tell her boss right away. it's wrong for her to not correct your son's grades, and that's more than enough reason for me to take action against such a person.

as for your son, let him know that you are going to try to work things out so that the rest of his year is not so bad. thankfully, he doesn't have much longer with this teacher. i would just work on making sure his grades are what they should be and that she is not bringing him down because of some weird issue she may have against you or him.

I am a teacher, and I am also a parent of 3 sons, so I completely get this from both angles.

I would suggest you set up a face-to-face conference with this teacher, but set it up through an administrator and insist an administrator (preferably the one directly above this teacher in the chain of command) attend. This will hopefully assure that you have witness to your concerns other than the teacher alone, and it should actually be helpful also to the teacher if that teacher is concerned about how you might be approaching the situation. Having that 3rd party involved is really helpful to all in involved in most cases. I almost always insist that an administrator attend parent conferences. It really does help protect all involved.

Hopefully you still have those assignments that you are questioning the grades on. If not, there probably isn't much to be done specifically about the grades at this point, but your concerns about a need for discussion/communication in those kinds of circumstances is quite valid, and an agreement should be reached that if a similar grading issue should come up, the teacher needs to get back with you to discuss the problem.

I've had similar issues come up on occasion with my own sons. If it is only a matter of a few points on a daily grade and isn't a huge impact on an overall average, I generally just let it slide. For instance, just recently my middle school son's English teacher didn't accept the fact that one of her questions truly did have two perfectly correct answers. I teach high school AP English, and I have a different depth of knowledge about that particular question that came up than a middle school teacher generally has. I know I am correct that there were two valid answers, but I'm not about to get into a debate about it with his teacher over a few points on one assignment. I simply took it as a chance to teach my son a high school level skill and let the points ride. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill in this case.

On the other hand, if there is a case were a teacher should have communicated something to me much sooner and the penalty for that lack of communication may have much harsher effects on my son's grade such as loss of eligibility, loss of credit, etc., I have no qualms about asking for what is needed.

You have to pick and choose your battles. I've had parents quibble about 5 points on a test that in the long run would have literally no effect on overall average, etc. Drives me nuts. I've had parents say I graded something wrong and have to explain to them the skills I had specifically taught to their student previous to that essay, etc. that their student specifically did not use correctly. It is a common problem for English teachers as our class is very subjective and parents often have in incorrect understanding of how we assess writing and reading skills. It is very different than from the much more objective subjects where answers are more clearly either right or wrong.

I've had parents sure that I've somehow wronged their student based on what they've heard from them who have called me or emailed me ready for a battle, ready to have me strung up in the nearest tree, only to realize as we spoke that they were only getting part of the story, or they or their students had misinterpretted something that was said, and once we actually start discussing the issue face to face things work out just fine for all involved.

If this really is a matter of vital and educationally altering problems that can't be lived through for the next few weeks, then of course, sit down and have a calm, reasoned, respectful conversation with this teacher with an administrator present. If this is a matter of nitpicking every point this teacher deducts from every assignment, even when a couple points here or there is honestly not going to make any long-term impact, perhaps you can just survive the next few weeks and move on to the next year.

Finally, are these issues that your son can and should be handling directly with the teacher himself? If this is just a matter of asking about missed questions on some assignments, your son should be able to go in for a private tutoring session to discuss those assignments. He would then be able to learn to advocate for himself, learn how to ask for explanation and reteaching if necessary, etc. Sometimes as parents we want to fix things for our kids that they really are perfectly capable of handling themselves; it is particularly a problem on the middle school level for some reason.

Have you suggested your son sit down with his school counselor or administrator himself to discuss his perceptions about what is going on with this teacher? Even elementary aged kids are quite able to bring up their concerns/needs with counselors and administrators, and often that is so much more empowering for them.

I remember when my oldest son was in 3rd or 4th grade, he was having some problems with some bullies on the bus and was quite upset about it. I could have stormed into the office and lamblasted the principal and demanded vengeance, etc. as unfortunately many parents do. I could have climbed on the bus and yelled at the bus driver or the kids themselves, etc. Instead, I asked my son how he would like to handle the situation.

We explored various alternatives. He could speak directly to the bus driver about the problem. I could speak directly to the bus driver. I could speak to his principal. I could go with him and be there as support as HE spoke to the principal. He could go to the principal completely on his own. He chose to have me go with him as support, but he chose to do all of the talking. He just wanted me there because he was a bit nervous about talking to him.

He did a wonderful job of explaining the problem and the principal was so respectful of his handling the situation maturely and acting as his own advocate. The principal thanked me later privately for allowing my son to handle the situation mostly on his own rather than helicoptering the situation.

Is this a situation you can help your son to find a solution for without your having to take it completely out of his hands? I don't know as I don't have all the details. I'm just throwing out the various angles to consider that might apply to this situation, or perhaps they do not. Just various options/avenues to consider.

Keep us updated.

Thanks so much for the replies. 1914sierra, I really appreciate your detailed response from both a teacher's and parent's perspective.

I could write chapters of background information about this, but in the interest of time I tried to focus on the concrete issues. There are bad feelings on my part too, which makes it hard. I don't want to go in to the school with torches and pitchforks but I admit that I am really angry with this teacher.

My main concern about the grading issue has actually been in math. I have been checking my son's math assignments carefully because he is hovering around the 70% mark in math this year. He becomes extremely frustrated with math and has a difficult time with it, even though he is considered gifted. A psychologist thought that he could be gifted with a learning disability in mathematics. However, nobody has so far been able to detect a learning disability.

My son simply says that he "hates" math, finds it "boring" and "doesn't care" about it. So, math is a battle with my son in the first place. When he does his homework, he can be extremely careless and write down the first thing that comes to mind. Thus, we are sure to check and double check his answers.

He is not learning to double check his work on his own though, because when he takes a test at school, he is not working with accuracy even though he technically knows how to solve the problems. So, it becomes an even larger problem when my son's math homework is graded incorrectly and answers which are certainly correct are marked as being wrong. This sends my son into a downward spin with his studies because he feels that even when he puts forth his maximum effort he is still punished and dinged for incorrect answers. He has no more confidence in the subject.

He will not advocate for himself. He is not someone who has ever been able to ask for help from people he doesn't trust and he certainly doesn't have that sort of relationship with his teacher this year. He views her as being a mean person who is constantly yelling at him and deriding him.

I don't know if this is objectively true. My son can be quite sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. So, there may be something about this teacher that causes him to feel that she is mean, when others perhaps would just find her stern. I don't know. Some of the other parents have said that she's tough but haven't specifically mentioned that their kids think she's mean.

I am angry at this teacher. I feel that she is unsympathetic to my kid. I am, therefor, unsympathetic to her. I have met with her during several parent teacher conferences, jointly with another of my kid's teachers, and she always behaves to sweetly there. She said encouraging things to my son, etc.

However, I have heard through the grapevine that she'd told someone else who works at the school that she thinks my son is a "weirdo". Wow, that ticked me off. Of course, this is all hearsay so I can't really do anything about it. I believe it though. My kid is 11. He may be a little shy and slightly nerdy, but he is no weirdo. Grrr!

Thanks for listening to me vent.

Both you and your son seem to have trouble with objectivity where this teacher is concerned. Please don't take that as a criticism or insult, just an observation from what you've said. I promise my intent is NOT to scold in any way.

You mentioned you decided you didn't like her the first time you ever met her and even before you knew she was going to be your son's teacher, but on the other hand, you said when you actually sat down and talked to her she seemed okay. You mentioned other parents referring to her as strict or stern, but you realize your son may be "reading" her as mean and critical because he is pretty sensitive. You say you are angry at this teacher and feel she is unsympathetic and that you are therefore unsympathetic to her which means you have your barriers WAY up.

You may not realize it, but you appear to have turned this into a personality conflict rather that this really being about your son's academics. She called my son a "weirdo" (which is hearsay and probably very much out of context), so I'm mad at her. By the way, as teachers, quite honestly, yes, we do have students that we may describe as weird, unusual, etc., but that doesn't mean we like them any less, are unable to help them, etc. Some kids are a bit out of the norm. That's normal. We're used to it. And it is okay if she sees that in your son really. Some of my greatest affections are for my "weirdest" students.

Rather than get caught up in how you "feel" about this teacher, perhaps focus WITH her on how best to help him in math. Should he be in tutoring before or after school? Some schools have pretty regular tutoring sessions available, and sometimes the teachers kind of divide them up: one teacher does writing, one does math, etc. Is there a set up at their school along that line? Could another teacher perhaps work with him in a tutoring capacity on math? Sometimes hearing skills from a different teacher's mouth is just what a student needs as we all teach slightly differently even over the same concepts.

If something gets graded incorrectly, rather than seeing it as an attack on your son (which is how you seem to take it -- and how your son seems to take it also -- you might note that by the way), find a way to communicate about the error matter-of-factly without coming off as "gotcha" or "you DID this to my son".

And I know you say your son won't advocate for himself, but it is a skill he really, really needs to learn. If you have to, go WITH him and have HIM talk to her about the question, but duct tape your mouth closed. He'll have you as a support there if needed, but he will also learn that he is capable of asking simple questions about his work and the teacher won't grow horns and eat him alive if he does ask questions.

It just keeps feeling like preconceived notions and misperceptions and misinterpretations and mind-reading and all of those unhealthy communication skills that as adults we know we have to get past. Your son is headed down the road to those same poor skills, but he is at a ripe age to learn new communication skills. You and the teacher are going to have to model those skills for him. In fact, it might be a good idea to really talk to the teacher about how your son perceives her and his fears about asking questions, etc. Approach it as informatory, not accusatory. Then she could really work with him directly to encourage him to ask for help, etc.

It is not unusual for teachers to see these kinds of misperceptions and fears and behaviors, but sometimes we don't realize that is what is going on unless a parent really has a talk with us from the perspective of how can we as a parent/teacher/student team work together to overcome these fears and get the focus back on the academics.

Thanks Chris. I know that you probably feel solidarity with fellow teachers and put yourself in the shoes of my kid's teacher when you are reading about this stuff.

I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by this:

"It just keeps feeling like preconceived notions and misperceptions and misinterpretations and mind-reading and all of those unhealthy communication skills that as adults we know we have to get past."

My perspective is that I don't KNOW what the teacher is thinking, and I have not been able to successfully have her talk to me on a personal level. She either doesn't respond, or changes the subject, or cuts me off, or seems too busy to listen, etc. I am not reading her mind. I simply have NO idea what is going on with her.

When I told you about her behaviour during the parent/teacher conferences in front of another teacher (sweet), I meant to outline the fact that she behaves very differently IN FRONT OF OTHERS than she does to me. That points to an intentional fakeness on her part. Her THINKING that my son is weird is fine, but the fact that she (allegedly) said it in the context that she did was very unprofessional IMO. If one of my staff called a client a weirdo in front of another client, they'd be reprimanded. It's fine to think these things. It is NOT fine to say them in a public space. Perhaps teachers work by a different standard of conduct. I don't know.