[Jannaku]

Hi PC Members,
Just putting this out there in the PC community in the hope that I get a bit of feedback that could help.
My 14 year old son is a compulsive masturbator. Although I am not 100% sure that this takes place daily, I am 99% sure it does. Every evening when he showers he is in the bathroom for 1-1.5 hours!!!!! Water is running so it sounds like hes showering but I know he is not in the water cause of the sound and also because I saw his feet on the rug from under the door. We have tried everything to get him to cut down the long "showers" but absolutely nothing works - talking nicely, getting angry, banging on door, etc etc. This pre-occupation also affects his sleep time - he hops into bed and then pretends to sleep but secretely is on the laptop, ipad or watching TV. Then he goes to the bathroom every hour until around 1.30-2pm - and that is on a school night! So the other night because he had not done homework I told him I was removing all the electronic equipment since that was distracting him. He lost it and stormed out of the house in his pjs at 10.45pm at night. After searching I finally found him a few door down in the cold huddled next to a brick wall. I managed to coax him in. He wont communicate even though I have tried and tried to connect with him. His school grades are sliding backwards as well. He is currently seeing a therapist because his father is a narcissist and he has had a tough childhood. Some of my other posts talk about that. What concerns me now is his current behaviour but mostly his compulsive masturbating. I understand that it's normal for adolescent boys to masturbate but when it affects your well being and those around you, then I think it would be classed as problem behaviour. Does anyone have any experience with this? Can anyone offer any advice? Anything would be appreciated. Thanks

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I read that sex addiction is being argued as not an addiction but a disorder with underlying problems with mental health. things like having a rough childhood and a narcissistic father would qualify. these underlying problems create the desire to do sexual activities that are frequent and towards the fetish field. personally I would not make a big deal about the masturbating and focus more on communication on what's bothering him. do it now while you have a chance of him not completely shutting down from you. I know you've been trying but maybe a more lax approach where he doesn't realize how a light conversation got so deep and personal rather than an "overly concerned mother" approach. the more he thinks he's independent, the more he "won't need you". if he won't talk to you, make sure he doesn't stop seeing the therapist and if he decides he doesn't like him than let him pick another but don't let him stop. As far as the shower, let him see the difference in the water bills before and after it started and tell him if he continues long showers he can pay for it. As far as the sleep, leave articles on the effects of lack of sleep where he can see them and take away his electronics from bedtime till after school, or homework, or whenever you feel he's allowed to use them. if he runs away again give the police a call and let them scare him. that's what I would do. ps. I have noticed that people tend to open up if it goes two ways.

[Jannaku]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

I read that sex addiction is being argued as not an addiction but a disorder with underlying problems with mental health. things like having a rough childhood and a narcissistic father would qualify. these underlying problems create the desire to do sexual activities that are frequent and towards the fetish field. personally I would not make a big deal about the masturbating and focus more on communication on what's bothering him. do it now while you have a chance of him not completely shutting down from you. I know you've been trying but maybe a more lax approach where he doesn't realize how a light conversation got so deep and personal rather than an "overly concerned mother" approach. the more he thinks he's independent, the more he "won't need you". if he won't talk to you, make sure he doesn't stop seeing the therapist and if he decides he doesn't like him than let him pick another but don't let him stop. As far as the shower, let him see the difference in the water bills before and after it started and tell him if he continues long showers he can pay for it. As far as the sleep, leave articles on the effects of lack of sleep where he can see them and take away his electronics from bedtime till after school, or homework, or whenever you feel he's allowed to use them. if he runs away again give the police a call and let them scare him. that's what I would do. ps. I have noticed that people tend to open up if it goes two ways.

Thanks so much for your reply. I tend to agree with everything you've said. I am trying very hard to get that communication happening with him but he is a very difficult nut to crack. I am suspecting that he may be suffering from depression. Just read up about teen depression and he does seem to fit alot of the signs and symptoms. I also think the compulsive masturbation comes from much deeper within. You've suggested some great things - like the water bill, effects of lack of sleep and calling the police. He has agreed to go to a therapist together with me (as well as alone) to work on sorting out some of his problems but mainly his anger since this is the most worrisome. That is a step in the right direction so I am happy that he still has a desire to want to fix his problems. Thanks again

[bighands]

Tough situation all around. Is his therapist a man or a woman? This is a big deal for a boy and he reallyneeds to have a male figure that he trusts that he can talk to about this. I know you love him dearly and you're his mom and want to help him but this is just not something a teenage boy can talk about with his mom.

[Jannaku]

Originally Posted by bighands

Tough situation all around. Is his therapist a man or a woman? This is a big deal for a boy and he reallyneeds to have a male figure that he trusts that he can talk to about this. I know you love him dearly and you're his mom and want to help him but this is just not something a teenage boy can talk about with his mom.

His therapist is a woman!! It's a good point that you've made about having a male figure. I am meeting with her in private this week and will discuss having a male therapist with her. I am sure that this subject is something he would feel more comfortable talking to a male about (if he talks at all). Thanks

[bighands]

Originally Posted by Jannaku

His therapist is a woman!! It's a good point that you've made about having a male figure. I am meeting with her in private this week and will discuss having a male therapist with her. I am sure that this subject is something he would feel more comfortable talking to a male about (if he talks at all). Thanks

Saw the Steve Martin movie "Parenthood" over the weekend. Hilarious and good timing. Had a scene in it about this very thing. It was actually the first thing I thought about when I saw you post last week.

Good luck!

[Big Mama]

My son take banjo lessons, anything for positive male role modeling. My son loves his banjo and his instructor is really great, full of encouragement and kind words. Both of those are things my son has not gotten from his dad. It has made a huge difference. Even when he doesn't practice and his heart is not in banjo, that 30 min a week is essential. My son has also taken up with some of the males teachers that teach in his class at church. Again they listen and they care. They have teens of there own, so they get how teens are. That is absolutely free to. Keep a close eye on the computer. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but the out burst of anger is something I ran across w/ my son when he had issues w/ pornography. He was watching it even though we had safety devices set up to avoid that. You tube has everything. That got a reaction from my son that I have never seen before, anger like no other when his devices were taken away until this was addressed in T. I hope your meeting w/ the t proves helpful.

[Jannaku]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

My son take banjo lessons, anything for positive male role modeling. My son loves his banjo and his instructor is really great, full of encouragement and kind words. Both of those are things my son has not gotten from his dad. It has made a huge difference. Even when he doesn't practice and his heart is not in banjo, that 30 min a week is essential. My son has also taken up with some of the males teachers that teach in his class at church. Again they listen and they care. They have teens of there own, so they get how teens are. That is absolutely free to. Keep a close eye on the computer. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but the out burst of anger is something I ran across w/ my son when he had issues w/ pornography. He was watching it even though we had safety devices set up to avoid that. You tube has everything. That got a reaction from my son that I have never seen before, anger like no other when his devices were taken away until this was addressed in T. I hope your meeting w/ the t proves helpful.

Thanks BM. My son is generally very occupied, especially with his school. Leaves home 7am every morning. Has after school sport 2 days, Cadets (army) after school friday evenings and compulsory sport Saturday mornings. There would be very little time for any further extra curricular activities. By the time he gets home he's cactus and just wants to chill out ....... by hopping on the computer. I am sure he's watching porn, although I do know that he is seriously addicted to a game called Mindcraft which all his friends are on as well. Will be addressing all this with the T which is this week. THanks again.

[bebop]

I have the same long shower thing with my grandson when he is here at my house. thank goodness it isn't that often. how about putting a timer on the shower? I am sure a plumber would know how to do that. just a thought.

[bighands]

Originally Posted by bebop

I have the same long shower thing with my grandson when he is here at my house. thank goodness it isn't that often. how about putting a timer on the shower? I am sure a plumber would know how to do that. just a thought.

Harsh but you could always just turn off the hot water supply after 20 minutes or so.

[adam_k]

Because I was a 14 year old boy once, I kinda know what he is going through. It may be a little disturbing for the parent, but what he is doing is just exploring his own sexual desires. I think making him feel bad or shameful for it may do more harm than good later on. He needs to learn some self control and keep things in perspective. I'm not saying you should approve of your child watching pornographic materials, but a lot of 14 year olds find this new thing to do and it is fun and feels good. I think if you make him feel ashamed of it, he will start to get angry and resent you some. I would maybe have his dad or positive male figure in his life tell him what he is doing it natural, but he needs to not be so preoccupied with it and more discrete.

That is just my opinion.

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

I read that sex addiction is being argued as not an addiction but a disorder with underlying problems with mental health. things like having a rough childhood and a narcissistic father would qualify. these underlying problems create the desire to do sexual activities that are frequent and towards the fetish field. personally I would not make a big deal about the masturbating and focus more on communication on what's bothering him. do it now while you have a chance of him not completely shutting down from you. I know you've been trying but maybe a more lax approach where he doesn't realize how a light conversation got so deep and personal rather than an "overly concerned mother" approach. the more he thinks he's independent, the more he "won't need you". if he won't talk to you, make sure he doesn't stop seeing the therapist and if he decides he doesn't like him than let him pick another but don't let him stop. As far as the shower, let him see the difference in the water bills before and after it started and tell him if he continues long showers he can pay for it. As far as the sleep, leave articles on the effects of lack of sleep where he can see them and take away his electronics from bedtime till after school, or homework, or whenever you feel he's allowed to use them. if he runs away again give the police a call and let them scare him. that's what I would do. ps. I have noticed that people tend to open up if it goes two ways.

why do these underlying problems have anything to do with his problems? can you elaborate for a dummy like me?

Originally Posted by adam_k

Because I was a 14 year old boy once, I kinda know what he is going through. It may be a little disturbing for the parent, but what he is doing is just exploring his own sexual desires. I think making him feel bad or shameful for it may do more harm than good later on. He needs to learn some self control and keep things in perspective. I'm not saying you should approve of your child watching pornographic materials, but a lot of 14 year olds find this new thing to do and it is fun and feels good. I think if you make him feel ashamed of it, he will start to get angry and resent you some. I would maybe have his dad or positive male figure in his life tell him what he is doing it natural, but he needs to not be so preoccupied with it and more discrete.

That is just my opinion.

Truth is, I have never really spent time with my dad for so long. When i was 5, he exposed me to music and ever since I've loved music. As the years went on, he became more detached and have not really seen me as much during the days.

[Jannaku]

Hi People,
Just an update to let you know that I have spoken with a therapist regarding this issue and although the problem is a long way from being resolved I did receive some interesting and thought provoking information.
Firstly, it was brought to my attention that my son does not have privacy as such. His bedroom does not have a lock on the door and people (myself, dad, grandmother, etc) enter his room at will. This would be one reason why he is locking himself in the bathroom for so long and running the shower to give the impression that he is washing himself. Makes sense to me. I had never really considered the privacy issue but it made me think back and remember what I was like at the same age and how privacy was very important. I am hoping to change this somehow so that he can feel safe and secure in his bedroom and hopefully not resort to using the bathroom.
Secondly, masturbation is normal but it is possible that my son is using it as a self soothing behavior as a result of the dysfunctional and emotionally abusive environment he has and still is subjected to due to his father being a narcissist. Again this makes sense.
Unfortunately my son does not have a very good relationship with his father and probably never will because of his personality disorder. He and I will be going to therapy together to address some of the issues. Unfortunately my son is not in touch with his own emotions and feelings and keeps them bottled up inside which then creates a pressure cooker explosive type of reaction when he feels overwhelmed. I don't have a problem with the fact that he masturbates but I have a problem with the running of a shower and use of electricity for over 1 hour every day, so hopefully we can sort that out and by doing that we will also resolve a lot of other secondary issues.

[adam_k]

Maybe allowing him some privacy will be beneficial to him. Not so he can do "that" whenever he wants, but maybe as a way for him to start having his own life and developing himself. A sense of privacy lets of be ourselves and relax.

I think you are very justified on the water usage and electricity. An hour long shower everyday is expensive and a waste if he isn't actually showering.

I'm sorry about his father. That sucks that he has to deal with that too. I was the type that bottles things up. My dad was very empathetic and could tell when something was bothering me. He would ask a billion question until I told him what was going on. In some ways it helped and now I tend to bottle things up less. I hope you find a way to work things out.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

why do these underlying problems have anything to do with his problems? can you elaborate for a dummy like me?

as much as I can by my own assumptions. I believe the stimulus you get from an orgasm increases certain chemicals and hormones like serotonin and (this is from Wikipedia) The period after orgasm (known as a refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of the neurohormones oxytocin and prolactin, as well as endorphins (or "endogenous morphine").[4]

when you are mentally unhealthy you look to things that have that addictive feel good as well. with sex being so natural and fun and feel good, it's an easy thing to get into for a temporary fix. whatever it is that makes you do the risky sexual activities is probably whatever it is that makes you cut or suicidal or act out. but that's just a guess.

[Jannaku]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

as much as I can by my own assumptions. I believe the stimulus you get from an orgasm increases certain chemicals and hormones like serotonin and (this is from Wikipedia) The period after orgasm (known as a refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of the neurohormones oxytocin and prolactin, as well as endorphins (or "endogenous morphine").[4]

when you are mentally unhealthy you look to things that have that addictive feel good as well. with sex being so natural and fun and feel good, it's an easy thing to get into for a temporary fix. whatever it is that makes you do the risky sexual activities is probably whatever it is that makes you cut or suicidal or act out. but that's just a guess.

This sounds perfectly feasible to me and sounds like what the therapist was getting at when she called it a "self soothing behavior".