[pinkbutterfly]

Ok....so we're not quite ex's YET...we're not fully divorced, but we're separated...and NOT getting back together.

The boys are with me this week...and they talk to their dad every morning, and every night...and apparently, he goes and has lunch with them EVERY day. When they are with him...they sleep in his bed with him. They are 9 and 11. This just seems strange to me. It doesn't seem right. Ok, once a week, sure...maybe even a couple times when they are with me...but it's like he's obsessed...because of my schedule, he picks them up from school on Mondays and takes them to scouts - and they're with him until almost 9pm (even on my weeks) and then he picks them up Tuesdays and I go get them from his house around 5pm when I am done with my stuff.

I love talking to my boys everyday -- and try to make sure when they are with him, that I get to talk and pray with them. But...they sleep in their own beds in their own bedroom. I take them to school and sit with them at breakfast SOMETIMES - otherwise they take the bus. I want to go see them at lunchtime sometimes -- but certainly don't have time to do it EVERYDAY. (he's living on disability from the military so he doesn't have to work -- and probably never will).

anyway...it just seems abnormal to me the way he is attached to them. I mean, maybe it's ME that's abnormal...I love my boys like crazy and want to be with them, but I also want them to be able to function independently. I don't WANT to go to see them at lunch everyday -- partly because that's a time when they can develop friendships with kids at school. If I am there, I take that time/opportunity away from them.

Obviously I can't stop him from going to see them at lunch...and I can't stop him from sleeping with them in his bed...but really? This can't be healthy for my boys! They started sleeping in his bed with him the first night I stopped (left) - I heard him say to them "who wants to sleep in daddy's bed tonight?"
If they were like 4/5 years old, it might be ok...but at 9 and 11?

I don't know what (if anything) I should do or say...

[kirby777]

Where did your sons sleep when you were married?

[pinkbutterfly]

In their own room...it started as soon as I was no longer sleeping in the bed with him.

[gayleggg]

Sounds to me as if your ex is very lonely and has made the boys his on little support group. I agree it does sound strange them sleeping in the same bed with him at their age. Do you suspect any child abuse going on? If you do, you need to report it. If you don't think they are being abused they will start to want their independence soon. Have you asked them how they feel about it? Having lunch with them seems to be a lonely man trying to fill his days with something positive for himself. He may not be thinking of it from the boys outlook. Have you asked him if maybe he could cut it down to only 2 or 3 days a week? I'm sorry, I seem to have more questions than answers.

[pinkbutterfly]

No, I don't think he would ever abuse them. I think they are safe.
When they are with me, they often ASK if they can sleep with me because they "do at daddy's house" -- but I tell them, when you get up in the morning, you can come into my room and snuggle me -- so I get morning snuggles instead. Plus...my bed is queen size, not king like the ex's.

I haven't thought about asking him to cut back. BUT I DO want to go have lunch with them once a week when they are with their dad.

Yes, I do think he's lonely. I know how lonely is...and it's hard.

Anyway...thanks for your input.

[kirby777]

Originally Posted by pinkbutterfly

In their own room...it started as soon as I was no longer sleeping in the bed with him.

,

I think your ex needs therapy. I feel he is doing a disservice to the children by having them sleep in his bed, or even offering it, when they were sleeping in their own room when you were still together.
Good for you in keeping the bedroom boundary.
I understand he is lonley, but most of us have felt lonely. It is too much pressure for the children..and once the oldr one starts to pull away, nornal for adolescence, how will ex handle the "rejection"?

[pinkbutterfly]

Yeah...he SHOULD be in therapy. In fact, I think he should be REQUIRED to be in therapy...he's got a 100% disability rating from the VA (military) for mental health reasons...simply because of that he should be in counseling.

My youngest son is in counseling, and I am going to mention it to her next week before his appointment.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

it's very difficult, as i'm sure you know, to go from company all night to none....if you really think it is nothing but sleep, I would be willing to bet he needs that comfort of another person while he's asleep. I do think it should stop, but that's imo probably why it's happening.

[wisedude]

I personally find it concerning.

It not just sometimes but continuously that they sleep in his bed.

And as you said he seems TOO interested in them. His level of interest seems abnormal to me.

I certainly hope you don't find out anything like he or the kids are naked in the bed.

Does he do anything like shower with the kids? Does you EX believe that he, himself, is like a kid?

Does he give them money/buy them an unusual amount of gifts considering his low income?

All I can say is keep a close eye on the situation and be mindful of anything the boys tell you.

Maybe question the boys in an innocent way about what they do in daddies bed? (do not say anything suggest or imply anything sexual). For example ask for what they wear then they are sleeping dadies bed? Ask them does daddy read stories to you while you are all in bed? Sort of try to get them explaining a bit about it, but do NOT put words in their mouths, and do not make it sound weird.