[dadhatesme]

Hi there. I'm an indian guy and a sophomore in college who just needs help. I don't know if anyone may respond, but that is fine. I just want this the be out for the peace of my mind. As the the title states, I feel as if my dad has a grudge against me. There has been many cases. When i was in middle school and high school, I didn't get to go to visit friends who i knew from school. He would bug me and ask me about their grades and personality, and then compare to me. I kind of understand that. However, anything I tried to do for fun, like play video games, or watch tv, or just fool around or go on the inernet, he would flip out, like ask me why i would waste my time. I know that he's indian whatever, but why do you have to be a jerk. I got As and Bs in school and i did pretty well. Whenever he would come home from work at 6pm, my mom would tell me to turn off anything if I was watching tv or playing xbox. And i would either way if she didnt warn me. Even though i was physically stronger than him, I still had this fear of him. It was like respect by fear. I was beat sometimes when i was a kid, but thats like an indian thing, and i had told my middle school counselor and had cops come, so they stopped after that.

Coming to more modern times, i go to college at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, which is a really good school for engineering. I even got the RPI medalist scholarship, which they give to one student from each high school. I failed Computer Science I in my first semester, causing my GPA to plummet. I would've gotten a 71 instead of an F, but the requirements to pas was that I needed an overall grade to be above a 60, which i had, and that my test average had to be above a 50. My test average ended up being a 48.3 . I just couldnt handle having to handwrite programs on a test about programming. But past this point, after freshman year ended, i was notified i needed to retake Comp Sci I, which i will this coming fall. My dad hates me now for it. I know you may say that 'he's you father and worried about you', but there's a limit to that. Whenever he talks to me, he as this tone of anger, as if he doesnt want to talk to you, but has no choice. I'm relearning my Comp Sci I material on my own, and I'm doing pretty good. But whenever I will be watching anything or reading comics on my phone, he'll say stop 'wasting your time' or 'grow up your doing childish things'. And the one that HURTS THE MOST is if my little brother(he's 9) is near me and wants to see what comic i'm reading on my phone or what game i'm playing, he'll say to me 'Turn that off. You've already ruined your life, don't ruin his'. i just dont know why he does this to me. I dont know why he does this to me. I feel like if he cant cause me physical pain, he can cause me mental pain. And it hard to deal with. I stated to have suicidal thoughts since junior year in high school. Its this mental harassment I keep on thinking about. Weekends are the worst, because he's there all day. My mother seems to understand a little bit, but cant help. I sometimes just talk to myself in a mirror, cry and speak out my anger, and it does help e cool off. And sometimes i'll just talk to my brother about sports or books or games, because he hears and sees the stuff that goes on. I dont want him to feel hurt, but what he does is hug me. And this hurts me too. How am i supposed to act strong in front of him and be the one he can rely on, if i just end of being weak and cry and think about dying.
I'm just turned 19, and yet i cant go out and do what i want. If I have my own money, like birthday money or anything, I cannot buy anything thats 'uneducational'. I wanted pc parts as my birthday gift, because i want to build my own computer and take it to college. It was less than $400. I even sold my ipad to get extra cash for it. I had more than enough for the pc, but i wasnt allowed. He says that i will waste time and play games on it. Because of him, i had left gaming as much and started reading comics when i joined college. Before, I would play video games an hour a day, sometimes a little more. To me, since i couldn't hang out with friends from school, I would play video games with them, like halo or cod. Video games were my escape pod.
but to my dad, they were distractions and he hated them. He was born in india and came from a village, and rose to be able to come to America, so i know he didnt have the things i have. I know that. But i just dont understand why he has to raise me like him. Why cant i be me. why do i have to go through all the bs he gives me for just wanting to be like other kids. And why is he doing the same thing to my brother? He's trying to raise him to be the perfect student. He got A+ in all but math this past grade, but the thing is, he got a solid A in math. But my parents are pissed about that. My mom yelled at him for not getting the A+. My dad, however, was a little less angry, and said you need to get the A+ next time. Whenever i see the things they do to him, it kills me inside. I'm the only one who says its ok to get a A. I try to sneak in some fun, like let him play on my phone. I have given him my xbox and my games, so he gets an hour a day whenever dad isn't near. But i dont want him to live like me. He is a studious kid, probly even better than me, but i want him not to regret his childhood like i do. And i just want to be a bit happier. I dont want this mental pain.

[Mike_J]

Being a parent is a very difficult thing. I'm sure your father loves you he likely doesn't know how to show it.

This from a father who struggles with how to show support and love to my daughter, so take it for what it's worth.

[kaliope]

hi dadhatesme
as mike says, your dad probably loves you in his own way, he just doesn't know the appropriate way to show it. he wants you to be successful, he wants you to have more than he had. he feels he has to push you to get that. unfortunately he is being very abusive in the way in which he is doing it and it is making your life miserable in the process. you are fortunate that you do not have many more years to spend there. you could actually get a job and move out now but you would probably be giving up your college education. as for your brother, just be there to support him. love him the way your parents aren't loving you. remember it is not about you guys. your dad is making bad choices. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Love&Toil]

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by dadhatesme

but why do you have to be a jerk.

He's a "jerk" because that is how he was raised and he has never bothered to learn anything better about being a parent or a person. He is TRAPPED in the mindless conditioning his own parents put into him PLUS he may be trying to get some REVENGE by hurting you (and others like his wife?).

Whenever he would come home from work at 6pm, my mom would tell me to turn off anything if I was watching tv or playing xbox. And i would either way if she didnt warn me. Even though i was physically stronger than him, I still had this fear of him. It was like respect by fear.

Yep, she's afraid of him too! It's pretty sad when a mean parent has his whole family backed into a corner with the FEAR of him - but real satisfying to the hostile offender! Our frightening dad had his whole family TERRIFIED of him!

I was beat sometimes when i was a kid, but thats like an indian thing, and i had told my middle school counselor and had cops come, so they stopped after that.

GOOD FOR YOU! When my older brother went to school with PURPLE WELTS across his back from dad's belt, the authorities came out to talk with our ignorant parents and the savage beatings stopped but the verbal abuse continued on!

My dad hates me now for it.

I'd say that he HATES him self and is projecting his bitterness out and onto you because it hurts too much to keep it inside of himself.

I know you may say that 'he's you father and worried about you', but there's a limit to that.

Anyone who say stuff like that is just trying to find EXCUSES for a badly behaving parent who they don't dare question or confront. He's NOT worried about you - he's worried about his own reputation and image!

But whenever I will be watching anything or reading comics on my phone, he'll say stop 'wasting your time' or 'grow up your doing childish things'. And the one that HURTS THE MOST is if my little brother(he's 9) is near me and wants to see what comic i'm reading on my phone or what game i'm playing, he'll say to me 'Turn that off. You've already ruined your life, don't ruin his'.

Your father is a very angry, frustrated and sadistic man. Does your mother EVER defend you kids and stand up to her abusive, sadistic husband on your behalf?

i just dont know why he does this to me. I dont know why he does this to me. I feel like if he cant cause me physical pain, he can cause me mental pain. And it hard to deal with.

He most likely had a ROTTEN childhood thanks to terrible parenting and has never found a way to HEAL his own early emotional wounds so his pain and anger is being VENTED all over innocent bystanders in his family. Is he this way with adults?

My mother seems to understand a little bit, but cant help.

Well there's the problem! You have a mean, angry, sadistic father and a spineless mother so you are basically all alone and defenseless in that abusive environment!

How am i supposed to act strong in front of him and be the one he can rely on, if i just end of being weak and cry and think about dying.

There's not much that you can do to protect him from being damaged by his hopelessly inadequate and harmful parents! Just be the best role model you can be for your brother.

I'm just turned 19,

I'm not sure what country you live in but, here in the US, you could just walk out on you pathetic parents at 18 and NEVER look back!

He was born in india and came from a village, and rose to be able to come to America, so i know he didnt have the things i have. I know that. But i just dont understand why he has to raise me like him.

It's either sheer stupidity OR he firmly believes in the (hurtful) way that he was raised and would not ever dare question how his parents raised him. I believe that in India it is strictly FORBIDDEN TO EVER QUESTION ONE'S PARENTS OR THEIR PARENTING.

And why is he doing the same thing to my brother? Whenever i see the things they do to him, it kills me inside.

They are both hopelessly IGNORANT about the harm they are doing to their own kids!

I dont want this mental pain.

I don't blame you there. So, what are your plans to fix things in your family or for your self? At 19, it seems to me that you now have the power to make a positive difference in your life and maybe your brother's life too. What are you going to do about this?
Good luck dealing with those horrible parents,
jim