[livelaughlove22]

I have NO idea what to do. We are supposed to leave in a few minutes to go to a few events and she's behaving really poorly. She's already gotten spanked twice today for being completely belligerent. By belligerent I mean drawing on the wall and floor, hitting, kicking, biting, punching breaking things etc. I offered to take her shopping tomorrow for dresses if she was good when we are out today and I really hope it works. I tried talking to her to ask what is wrong, putting her in timeout, cuddling her, distracting her, playing with her and a lot of other things but it isn't working. I'm hoping once we get in the car and start driving she starts to behave.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this??

[Can't Stop Crying]

It's hard to know what to do unless we have walked in another's shoes...there are tough times with this little angel and there are also signs of major improvement!

No one really knows what's inside this child's mind...she can be acting out from so many different things...she lived the first 5 years of her life in total chaos and uncertainty...there is no magic...it takes time, love, reassurance, reasonable expectations, healthy boundaries, consistency, and so much more.....

It is so hard to see the progress when being bombarded by her acting out.

I see it livelaughlove...I see how much you love your little girl and how hard you are working to help her...I believe with all my heart that you are the BEST thing to ever happen to her.

I am so relieved that you found her a new therapist, one that will work with both of you, one that may be the key to reaching your little girl's heart...

Stay strong and keep loving her, with time her wounds will have a chance to heal!

[Can't Stop Crying]

It takes courage to ask for help!

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

It's hard to know what to do unless we have walked in another's shoes...there are tough times with this little angel and there are also signs of major improvement!

Know one really knows what's inside this child's mind...she can be acting out from so many different things...she lived the first 5 years of her life in total chaos and uncertainty...there is no magic...it takes time, love, reassurance, reasonable expectations, healthy boundaries, consistency, and so much more.....

It is so hard to see the progress when being bombarded by her acting out.

I see it livelaughlove...I see how much you love your little girl and how hard you are working to help her...I believe with all my heart that you are the BEST thing to ever happen to her.

I am so relieved that you found her a new therapist, one that will work with both of you, one that may be the key to reaching your little girl's heart...

Stay strong and keep loving her, with time her wounds will have a chance to heal!

You are so sweet. Thank you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I believe in YOU! There are far too many people who would look the other way. You took this little hurt child and opened your heart and your home to her. I know she has moments when she is overwhelming, but I also know that everything you do - you are doing your best to help her.

You could have decided to give up, decided that she was too much, instead you chose to rise to the challenge and devote yourself to being her mother...for that I admire you more than you know!

[technigal]

Here is a website that may offer you some ideas Attachment Disorders & Reactive Attachment Disorder: Symptoms, Treatment & Hope for Children with Insecure Attachment

To me, it sounds like she is used to getting attention only when she is "bad" and therefore acts out for attention. It will be hard but try to ignore the smaller problem behaviours (step in if she is hurting someone else or herself) and praise often when she is behaving as you want. It will take time but she will learn.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by technigal

Here is a website that may offer you some ideas Attachment Disorders & Reactive Attachment Disorder: Symptoms, Treatment & Hope for Children with Insecure Attachment

To me, it sounds like she is used to getting attention only when she is "bad" and therefore acts out for attention. It will be hard but try to ignore the smaller problem behaviours (step in if she is hurting someone else or herself) and praise often when she is behaving as you want. It will take time but she will learn.

Thank you for this. I really appreciate it. I am really trying to give plenty of positive attention. I don't punish her unless she is doing something really dangerous.

[growlycat]

I really really am not trying to be judgmental but I truly hope that you stop all spanking with this child. She has already been through abuse and hitting will only scare her and make her trust you less if at all. She has been though so much. It sounds like you are trying--please don't hit!!!!!

[SabinaS]

Yes, absolutely what growly said. I know spanking is still an accepted form of punishment but really, it won't help her at all... and it absolutely doesn't make sense in trying to teach her not to hit... by hitting her. You must be under a lot of stress, and you are looking after a very disturbed little girl, can only imagine how tough it is (and I have a little one myself).

First off - any kind of violence is not acceptable, but you can convey this message in a firm but kind way. Try to find her triggers, prevention is the best solution... but it sounds as though she may really need to hit out a bit. block any hits, hold her hands/arms gently if necessary and say 'I won't let you hit me, but if you need to hit, you can hit this pillow'. If the hitting continues and you are finding it hard to regulate yourself, walk away but tell her why 'I understand it's hard for you not to hit me right now, so I am going into the other room'. That's different to time out, you are removing yourself and modelling self regulation (something she desperately needs).

Damage to stuff - put anything you don't want broken away/out of reach. Now is not the time to teach her about respecting other people's stuff, too much going on for her. If she is prone to going on the rampage, follow her and stop her. Watch what she is doing, for instance throwing things might = a need to throw (it's actually a schema), go throw ball in the park. If it's damage she wants to do, how about ripping up old newspapers?

Drawing on walls - show her what she can draw on. If she continues with the walls, tell her that you need to take away her pens/crayons for now, because the walls are not for drawing on. All said calmly but firmly... and on her level.

Hope that helps a bit. I hope you are being kind to yourself, as you are doing a great job. x x

[SabinaS]

oh also, buying her dresses 'if she's good' might be a trigger for her... a little girl who has been through all that she's been through might not believe she's capable of 'being good'... she might only believe that she is bad and undeserving... what evidence has she seen from her parents to the contrary?

I tend to think it's best not to use conditional tools... if you behave like this, you can have this - it's putting a condition on her emotions. x x