Did I handle this OK?

I will ask her therapist on Monday if I handled it OK but in the mean time if I am doing something blatantly wrong I don't want it to happen again.

It all started a few hours ago. She was drawing on the wall with sharpie. I came downstairs and told her to go to timeout. She said no and laughed and kept drawing. I went over to her, took the marker and carried her to timeout. She would not stay for 45 minutes until she finally just sat down and got it over with. As soon as she got out of timeout she wouldn't stop kicking my window. I picked her up again and put her back in timeout. She wouldn't stop getting up and running away. I held her in front of me and told her if she didn't want a spank she should sit in timeout. She looked at me and said -I don't have to listen to you- and tried to run away again. I gave her two spanks and she sat in timeout. I tried to talk to her about why she can't draw on the wall or kick the mirror and she has her fingers in here ear saying la la la la la over and over.

What do I do to make her listen

Validate. Tell her you know it's fun to write on the walls but in this house we only color on paper. Keep calm. How old is the kid? Sometimes losing a privilege or something is more effective. I don't believe spanking is ever needed.

She is 6. I don't do it because I want to I do it because it's the only thing that works. I never do it enough to hurt her and after hours of her misbehaving it's not easy to think of other things.

How about getting some butcher paper for her and hanging it on the wall? Then she can draw on the walls without doing any damage.

Whether it physically hurts or not, it 'works' for a reason. Parenting is hard work. I have a kid around her age that has brought a couple of teachers to the brink of their patience because they don't know how to listen to their kids. By listen I mean empathize. Let them know firmly that you know they must be feeling abc because of xyz, but this is the rules. Breaking them has consequences. There's a lot of great books out there. My favorites are, '123 magic' and 'the power of validation'

For a child that young it often helps to redirect them. Rather than simply saying we don't draw on walls or saying why we don't draw on walls redirect to an activity that is acceptable such as drawing on the sidewalk with chalk or put some newspapers on the table and let her go wild with finger paints.

Whenever I try she hits and kicks me

You are the parent. Kids ARE tough, especially if your own parents didn't model healthy parenting (like mine, I dont know your situation). There are great books and parenting classes out there (I have taken some). If you want answers, you have to go after them. This stuff does not come naturally to most people, but its learn-able.

I think 45 minutes for a time out is way too long. I don't even give my 9 year old time outs that long. Five minutes would be the most amount of time I would expect a 6 year old to stay in time out. Even after that short of time they forget why they are in time out.

I try to do natural consequences as much as possible. For drawing on the walls, you get to clean the walls, for making a mess, you clean it up. This is really effective with my 9 year old - he is forever peeing all over the place, he has to clean it up and thinks that cleaning pee up is gross. I tell him that I agree that it is gross but since he made the mess I shouldn't have to clean up his gross pee. He is finally getting it.

I know you have had a lot of criticism about spanking. I know the frustration of wanting to spank as nothing else is helping. I have resorted to spanking at times but as a child who was formerly abused please try and stop spanking. The reason you find it works is because that is what she is used to. She has been taken away from all she knows (her biological mother, the abuse) and is trying to see what it is going to take for you to go away as well. I put my adoptive parents through hell with trying to get them to get rid of me. I was 5.5 years old when I was adopted, so I have an understanding of what this little girl is going through. Parenting is hard, and I imagine being a single parent is even harder, at least I have my husband to fall back on. Do you have someone to take your daughter to give you breaks?

You are doing the best job you know how. You have done a wonderful thing by taking this little girl into your heart. Do not be afraid to say that you need a break, or that it is hard to know what to do. I have no doubt that you love this little girl, she is lucky to have you.

If you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me.

When my son gets like that he is sent to his room and has to stay there until he can control his behaviour. Often it will take several times of him going to his room before he is calm. We do go in and talk softly to him, help him deep breathe and other calming measures but we will leave if he is not calming down.

Timeout should be based on 1 minute for every year of the child's life. She should only be getting 6 minutes in timeout if she is 6 years old.

i think you are doing a great job with her....she has so many things going on right now....i can't imagine how difficult it is...i'm happy you found the new therapist, she sounds like she is exactly what you both need....with her history, it will take time for her to sort everything out and learn appropriate behavior...keep giving her consistency and the positive reinforcement.....i believe in you!

Why would you hit a child that loves to hit and kick you? that makes no sense. The only reason you won is because you are bigger, not because she respects you. Spanking doesn't actually teach anything and is lazy parenting. I would seriously do some parenting research and read some parenting books. Not trying to be harsh but you don't need to raise your hand to your child to get them to behave. Other methods work well if used properly. No wonder she kicks and hits you. Positive reinforcement and behavior charts are wonderful tools. You don't need to strike someone to get them to do what you want.

"The reason you find it works is because that is what she is used to. She has been taken away from all she knows (her biological mother, the abuse" You are hitting a child that has been around abuse? are you serious right now? and after all the stress of being taken from her bio mom? Spanking only works because it is a fear technique, it does not teach respect, fear and respect are two separate things. You do not need to put your hands on any other person and strike them in the whole world especially a child. It has been proven time and time again not to work.

Keep your hands to yourself. I honestly don't know what you are thinking hitting a child that has been around abuse. You really think that is ok then you need re-evaluate your parenting skills. Spanking does not work long term, she clearly has some issues and you are just going to make it worse. I can't believe you are hitting a child that has had broken bones from being abused, you should never hit any child but especially a child that has an abusive past.

That's what I was trying to do. I meant it took 45 minutes for her to finally cooperate and sit in timeout.

Thank you for understanding that it's not easy. I think a lot of people don't get that!

You know what is not easy? being beaten until bones are broken, being removed from your mother and having your caregiver hit you, that is what not is easy. Sorry I lack empathy for you and have more empathy for this poor child. I have been in a similar situation. Keep your hands to yourself, you are an adult you know better.

Also, I didn't put her in timeout for 45 minutes. That's how long it took to make her stay in timeout.

I think you are doing the best you can and are only resorting to spanking out of desperation. I think parenting classes are a great idea for you to learn and practise alternatives. Seriously you have taken on a traumatised child and I really admire you for that as it must be extremely stressful. What sort of support can you get for yourself? I agree with lots of validation and rewards/praise for good behaviour. Maybe get a reward chart and have small prizes she can work towards? Godbless you xx

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Seeing as she keeps pretty much going for things you consider valuable.... can you pack up and store your prized possessions somewhere, or at someone else's home? At least it'd help with that.

Have you asked her, while she's calm, why she likes drawing on the wall? If she gives some form of reasonable answer, you can ask her if she'd stick to one part of the wall if you were to put chalk-board or white-board on it? (You can purchase stuff that sticks to the walls that you can draw on). The chalk board would be the best, because chalk is pretty easy to remove from everything else.

Did you try the Time-In like someone suggested? I'd give that a go for the next while instead of Time-Out. Just hold on to her (it sounds like you have to keep going back to her anyway, so you may as well just park it down with her to start with!) Hug her, rock her, pat her hair, whatever it takes. Once she's calmed down (and stops hitting/biting you....) then have a few minutes of calm before she is done with the Time-In.

Please, please, please stop spanking her. I know that you are going through SO much pain and stress and frustration right now... but you keep throwing away all the progress you make when you spank her! It just confirms to her that nothing else you do means anything, because when she's "bad enough" she'll get spanked. You're ruining all of your own efforts each time you cave and resort to it.

Don't forget to take some time for yourself to do something nice to relax once in a while, ok?