Why are children of married parents valued more than those of single parents?

When a married couple has a baby everyone is usually just happy and there are no complaints. The child is wanted and loved by everyone and they are all excited and happy for the parents. Those children definitely come into the world knowing they are loved and their birth is a celebration. So they have a good chance of growing up to be well adjusted.

Now when a child is born to a single mother, everyone is angry or disappointed. They always claim they care for the child and don't want him/her born into a difficult situation, but maybe this is why single parent families struggle more. Maybe the baby in the womb can sense that he/she isn't as valued as they should be. Even if a married couple is very poor, no one says anything about it because you can't expect married people not to have s*x. But with single mothers it's always wrong if you're poor. Everyone is always eager to help out with 2-parent children because it's a cute little baby. But a single mother's child they say "she did it to herself", even if she's asking for the same emotional support and assistance you just gave to the other parents.

I just wonder if the attitudes of other people can influence the child's future. Some are thought of as a blessing and others are thought of as a problem. That's the way it looks even if no one wants to admit it...it is harder for single mothers but I don't see why that's a reason to devalue a child. It's like 2 parent children have mother+father+immediate family+long distance family, while single parent children sometimes just have mother.

They think they are looking out for the child but really by talking to the mother the way they do, the one who is raising him/her, they are affecting the child's self esteem.

NOTE: I know that not every single family works the way I have said above, this is just the average thing I have noticed.

So sorry you feel this way... I definitely think that there is some stigma re: single parent households, but I view it not so much as others not "valuing" the child....as much as pity or ignorant beliefs that a child of a single parent household is disadvantaged both financially and in getting enough attention at home...obviously, this mindset is an ugly sterotype...and isn't any more valid than the belief that a 2 parent household that is below the poverty level or receives assistance isn't a good environment to raise a child either...and unfortunately, there are "statistics out there to justify these stigmas. IMHO, society has poor insight into what a child actually needs to grow up healthy...which is consistency, stability, and a strong sense of values and most importantly...the feeling of unconditional love. ... All the best schools, expensive things, large houses in suburbia, lessons etc are meaningless if a child does not feel that their parent/ parents #1 priority is active validating participation in who their child is...not who they decide their child should be. So I think both yes and no about how a child perceives their worth based on home statistics...yes they do pick up on others ignorant biases, but I think that the msgs and life lessons they receive at home are far more influential than anything else

Dude, you shoulda been around fifty years ago. Things are MUCH improved. You had a "choice" between a shotgun wedding, or being sent away to have your "illegitimate" baby and give it up for a closed adoption. Or dying while getting an illegal abortion.

Yes, I'm just trying to understand why...

I am a single mother of one child and have quite a few single mother friends / relatives...


It's not about devaluing the child. Not at all... Not that I can see anyway.


When you consider the fact that most of us single mothers have our first child as a teenager, its no wonder nobody is celebrating our "good news"... We're kids forever altering our futures. I was 19, done with school and still got the shyttiest reception. I can only imagine what a 16 year old experiences.


Then you have people like my friends who have multiple kids, so your family is thinking, "dammit you just got on your feet, holding down a good job, child going off to school and you go get pregnant again!"


Valid concern. Again, because its like "Damn girl don't you learn?"


Married couples are usually trying to have babies, so its pure logic that us single mothers are frowned upon and that the "legitimate" babies are celebrated from the get go.


BUT. NEVER have I witnessed a child being treated as less than or devalued because they were born out of wedlock or their dad went to the grocery store never to return.


In fact, where i am from everyone rallies round to make sure that everything is ready for baby's arrival.


Unaluna is right. I have had it easy.


On the contrary, IME married couples actually get less support with their kids (financially and morally / babysitting) because everyone assumes they have it figured out and are doing things as a team. I consistently have to remind my best friend's mom to also babysit for her so she and her hubby can go have a date night, when her other grandkids live with her. Because, you know, single mother working and stuff.


I have no doubt that its true what you say regarding where you live... I'm just skeptical about calling it devaluing the child. But I admit I can't find the words that fit either.

The reason I said I feel this way is because I was born to a single mother(1993) and my 2nd cousin has both parents(2001), I can see the difference between how he was treated vs. me. With this my mother made other mistakes but I also have another example to compare to here that I'd rather not say. Maybe it depends on the family but every time my family mentions something about me as a child it's almost always negative. I remember once my aunt was telling how I pulled on her shirt when I was 4 and she sounded like she was STILL mad about it and how my mother didn't do anything...then my cousin who is 15, everyone only says positive things about him. I know that the moment his mother found out she was pregnant everyone was thrilled about it and for my mother I'm sure it was the opposite. Maybe people do HELP, but they seem to be annoyed when they do it.

Even if it's not intentionally the child, maybe it can seem that way to them in the situation I mentioned above. Everyone's joy vs. Everyone's disappointment or worry. If you believe a child is going to fail I think it makes it more likely to happen.

I'm glad you have friends that support you. I don't have any friends, and my mother didn't have many either.

I think your family just sucks wet rabid dogass.


No need to treat children differently based on their conception.


And yes, children are sponges so you've obviously absorbed their negativity all this time.


For me its the opposite, I'm usually worried that it looks like my daughter gets special treatment and that her cousins will resent her for it, but my siblings have assured me their girls all understand and are supportive of their support.


I'm really sorry you were born into such a cruel and thoughtless family.

Okay i see what you mean.

But then you can also ask, why are boys valued more than girls? Or blonds more than brunettes? Or dimples more than no dimples? (My cousin had *@#$%&@ dimples!!! Everybody was ALWAYS commenting on them.)

So yes, it is societys norm for children to have two parents. I mean, it TAKES two people to make a baby. So society expects both parents to be responsible for that baby. Otherwise society has to help raise the child. More or less.

If a child had dimples and the other didn't and the non-dimpled child was called ugly by the family, that would be the equivalent to what happened to me and my cousin.

I see what you mean, but I think society should be a part of a child's life no matter what because they have to grow up and live in it...if you mean with money I've known 2 parent families where both parents are unemployed and equally as poor as the single mother.

And I also wanted to add that it's more than saying to the father, "You really need to take care of this baby," It's more of "You shouldn't have had the baby in the first place"

... In MY observations...

I understand that it is wrong and unfair. I understand that it hurt you. You dont need to convince me of how horrible it is / was, and how it still affects your life.

I read a book about how people like Mozart got "supported" by THOUSANDS of approving comments throughout his lifetime - and so what about people who receive the opposite? They get thousands of disapproving comments - how do they / we turn out in life? That reminds me of what you are saying in this thread, only more generally. You asked specifically about single vs married married parents.

For myself, i have been in therapy pretty much all my adult life, to try to make my life turn out more like a person who has had advantages. You learn to use the gifts you have. I may not have my cousins dimples, but i am definitely braver, among other things. She has other good qualities i dont have. It balances out, i guess. When you are an adult, you decide what you want your life to look like and you try to make it so. Talking to a t, and talking to people on pc helps me. There are some very good people here.

Anna I agree with Una and trippin. I think you maybe reading a bit much into what is more of a personal experience in a dysfunctional crappy family dynamic. I'm sorry that you went thru this..like Trippin said no child should feel they are not being treated as well as other children in household/ family..... But I can tell you for a fact that being the "scapegoat or good child/bad child" treatment is certainly not exclusive or as far as I can tell more prevelant at all in re: to being the child of a single parent or 2parent household....(maybe in ur family there was some animosity between ur mum and aunt that caused this)....but in general I would say this kind of ****** parenting "playing favorites" is seen way more often in 2 parent households between siblings. I know it doesn't make it any better for you..I am also the "bad one" in my family, they still treat me l I e dogshitte to this day...I never did anything to deserve this..I have talked to my T a lot about why this is/ was and have come to terms with it as much as possible...basically I have the absolute minimal contact w/my family as humanly possible..bc, they aren't going to change their minds or ever treat me any better, and dealing w/ them just causes me more pain. ....none of us should ever have to feel like this...so sorry u went thru it too.
The one upside is that it made me a much better mother. I was young and single when I had my first and married to my second's father...and honestly, I have never found that my hubbies or in laws treat my 1st any different than the 2nd who is their blood....if anything, the only differential treatment they receive is in my family who....obv. sux to begin with....but unlike their treatment towards me, I don't see this as malicious or purposeful. And it's the 1st child they give more too...not the 2nd! So right there is the opposite of what u experienced....if anybody has been punished for being a single parent its me NOT MY KIDS!
All this being said, Anna...I want u to know that I am in no way belittling what you went thru as a child....just pointing out that... a lot of us had awful families and childhoods...coming from all different backgrounds and for infinite reasons...which please know IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT NO MATTER WHAT THEY TOLD YOU

Interesting question. My word choice is 'at a disadvantage.' I know women that are single moms, never been married, no longer together with the father. I'm noticing that my category is a slight differential. I'm a divorced single mom. I think that I've noticed there's a twist to this when I moved back to where I finished high school and lived with my mom and stepdad until I finished college. The big question asked during their pediatric appointments is, "do they see their dad, regularly." I believe that's an important question that touches upon this thread. Around me, there's plenty of nuclear family dynamics. There are some young moms as well, but I've noticed of them, strong immediate family support.
Your mom's immediate family seems to have played a role in this, I'm guessing? I'm guessing, also, that I have it better than 50 years ago. I'd probably have been married off after divorce to a man of my family's meddling.