This child is going to kill me.

This is really, really becoming unproductive and irrelevant to the original discussion. I came here for perspective on whether this behavior is normal, whether there's something I can do to help, and whether it's time to leave. I also needed to discuss my own emotions and mental health regarding the situation. I think all of these points have been addressed and I've seen some really great advice. But again--again!!--this IS NOT ABOUT THEIR MOTHER. I'm really disappointed in the turn this conversation has taken, and I would really appreciate it if future comments and posts could stay on track.

I hope my last comment wasn't upsetting... I think the best thing for both boys would be to get into therapy or treatment of some sort. Even tho Toby is the one showing problems, I think his brother needs some support as well. I worry that he seemed to just sit and let his brother attack him in the car, and that may mean that he believes Toby's behavior is normal and just how brothers are. They are both still so young, and getting therapy for them both could really help and prevent any problems from getting worse or new ones showing up later on.

I still think, tho, that your safety and emotional well being is most important. I know you care about both boys, and their mother, so much. I don't think you would even be asking this question if you didn't. But no one deserves to go to work every day with the fear of getting hurt...

I wonder, have you ever done DBT? One of the things they teach is a pros and cons list, but it's a little different than normal. Basically, they make a square, and then split it into 4 squares. So, two columns and two rows. On the columns would be "stay" and "quit" for this. One the rows are "pros" and "cons." Then you fill in each square with the combination of the two, so the pros of staying and the pros of quitting, and then the cons for each. (Sorry if the explanation is too much, I have a habit of explaining things to death.) It helps to get an idea of all sides, and for me, it also helps to look at which square has more items but also some things may be more important to me than others.

It seems like this is a hard decision for you. Is there anything you can do, for you? Go to a movie, take a bath and just soak and relax, sit and read at a coffee shop? Maybe taking some time to care for yourself may help clear you mind and help with looking at what you feel is right, for you, in this situation.

Not at all, you've been great.

Some updates: their mother is getting Toby into behavioral therapy. It takes time, but she has immediately moved to take that action. I agree, it might be good for his brother to get in as well (though he most definitely didn't just sit there. He kicked and clawed and screamed, but he was held stationary by his seatbelt before I could pull Toby off. It all happened very fast.) Unfortunately, I don't know whether it's my place to advise that, and ultimately everything will be up to their mom moving forward.

I've definitely made my decision, and I've applied for several jobs. I will give notice when I have solid prospects (a girl's gotta eat..). Meanwhile, I don't plan to just walk out. I want to give her notice and time to find a replacement. I told her very clearly, though, that I will not tolerate the hitting and biting in the future, and will immediately call her or the boys' grandmother to come and help if the situation escalates again.

At this point, I just feel sad and guilty and terrible. I am the type who always has to help, and feel awful when I can't. I've grown very attached to this family, and I will miss the boys very, very much. This isn't a normal job, and the separation is going to be really hard. Toby's twin, who is very bright and very sensitive, reads situations very quickly and accurately...I haven't said anything yet to them about leaving, but yesterday, he suddenly pulled me into a fierce hug and whispered, "Please don't leave me a'cuz of Toby. I love you too much." I nearly broke down. I know what I need to do and why I need to do it, but it hurts a lot. Families always say they'll stay in touch, but they never do. Goodbye will probably be forever.

I'm glad his brother tried to fight back. I can just imagine how difficult that hug from him was... I would have started crying right there... He's gonna miss you and you are gonna miss all of them. Please, be gentle with yourself thru all of this.

Do not continue with this job and find a more suitable career. You have a degree and have choices and there is no need for you to stay in a job that makes you feel like this.

What a disgusting little psychopath. Why are you still nannying him? I have a niece who behaves similarly. I no longer deal with her. The simple fact is she's a brat who needs her mom to kick her butt. If her mom refuses to get her life and the life of her insane child together, no one else can.

I resisted the urge to comment because this thread is so old, but some of the replies hit me close to home so I felt I needed to speak up.
Here is a list of just a few people who came from traditional, 2 parent homes and didn't turn out so great:

Jeffrey Dahmer
John Wayne Gacy
Eric Harris
Diane Downs
Gary Lee Sampson
Richard Ramirez

When the father is there it's always "it had to be something else" but when a child is raised by a single parent that's the first thing people want to blame. The only reason nuclear families were so common in the 1950s was because they were necessary for the survival and welfare of women, who were not able to care for themselves due to systematic oppression. But somehow America has built its entire identity around that and the collapse of the "traditional family" is the only thing they want to blame for the world's problems. Believe it or not, kids (and people in general) DID commit crimes back then. You just didn't hear about it as much partially because of the lack of media (no internet and news broadcast was limited) and partially because many of the victims were POC (as a matter of fact society took all of their psychopathic tendencies out on POC). To prove my point, you wouldn't even know the little boy OP is talking about existed if it weren't for the internet.

I for one am happy that this generation is being taught to marry for love (and whoever you love) if and when you choose to, not because it's necessary for your survival or in order to become a parent. Children need to be loved, cared for, protected and educated. It doesn't matter if it's a single parent, 2 heterosexual parents, 2 homosexual parents, the grandparents, or an adoptive parent. When I was pregnant with my daughter (who I lost to stillbirth) I was going to be a single mother. I was also very poor(living on $200 a month after rent) I managed to buy her everything she needed. A few months after I lost her, my friend (who is married and makes more than I ever did) was about to go into labor. They had no car seat, no clothes, no bottles. I had to donate my daughter'sthings to them. Who do you think was the better parent then?

IMO, blaming a family structure is just as bad as racial, gender, or religious stereotyping.

*climbs off soapbox*