Has anybody had to use tough love with their child?

I have a nineteen year old son with ADHD and bipolar who has no motivation. He doesn't use drug or alcohol. All he wants to do is read or play video games and chat with his friends on the phone/computer.

I told him months ago I expect him to find a full or part-time job this summer and he should start looking in May. He didn't of course. He picked up an application for Game Stop but has had it a week and doesn't even have it filled out yet.

I have a consequence box where video games and stuff goes when he breaks an important rule. That has helped some with his defiance but not with his procrastination.

Also his sleep is erratic. Sometimes he is up all night and sometimes he will sleep for sixteen hours. I have been telling his psychiatrist about the sleep for a year and only last month did he prescribe a sleep aid. It has not made a big difference yet.

I made the rule that he could not play video games after midnight when he was in school. He still had trouble sleeping. I think he may have sleep apnea as he snores loudly but I can't afford $2000 for a test at the sleep lab (no insurance).

I feel like I need to be tougher but I want to be fair. Any suggestions?

I am sorry...

it is so hard to be a parent sometimes... to know what to do.. to keep trying when you get so discouraged.. especially with that age group..

my suggestion... might "shock" you.. and I truely mean no harm...

I have a son 23.. who is ADHD... and at the 19 year age.. drank a great deal... partied.. hardy as they say..it was a tough time.. he is just now "coming" out of that...and still has trouble with his ADHD..

The bi-polar concerns.. me.. if he is getting the correct treatment - I mean this.. considering financial concerns.. because I have been there.. please believe me..and finding money for medical things.. can be pretty impossible....

Sleep apena.. can also.. make a person very legargic...

so.. my suggestion.... is to apply for SSI for your son - or have him do it... that I believe would give you.. state help.. like Medicaid... and.. would perhaps... get the medical issues taken care of...

the question of tougher verses fair... is something I am still working on...

(((hugs)))

You know, my brother (16 yrs) is a computer addict and he is on the computer from the time he awakes, to the time he goes to bed. Its insane! I wonder myself what he will do when he actually has to get a job.

yeah the correct treatment is an issue. I can't afford a therapist, can barely afford the psychiatrist and his meds are $150/month. There have been times when he has had to go witout meds because I didn't have any money. I am going to take him to the DHHR now that he is 19 and has no further social security checks coming. I don't know that he could qualify for social sec disability himself.

He has above average intelligence but has been nearly all classes since high school started. Part of the problem is he a learning disability and the school does not modify assignments as in his IEP. My own mental illness has made it hard for me to be a good advocate for him.

I'm sorry your son is suffering .. when our kids (no matter their age) suffer, us moms suffer also.

Is your son still in public school or has he graduated ?? If he is still in school, perhaps there is a guidance counselor or school pychologist who can assist with helping you and your son navigate what options are available in the community to help.

I feel that your son needs to get his bi-polar under control so that he CAN successfully obtain a job and keep it. Can the pych who is prescribing the meds help put you in contact with agencies that can help cover the cost of meds plus get in-person counseling ?? Can you speak with this person and let them know that your current economic situation causes a disruption in meds sometimes ?? I don't think these meds should be disrupted and so it would seem to me that the Dr. could be helpful. ??

I'm not sure if you will run into difficulties finding him help since he is 19 years old now. I would imagine that as long as he is agreeable with you helping him .. you can do whatever you can to get him financial assistance. I would keep trying as long as your son cooperates.

I would not use "tough love" unless your son refuses to cooperate with getting treatment. It is hard for him to get treatment himself right now because he is young and is struggling with his illness. But once you get him hooked up with agencies that can cover the cost of treatment and keep the meds flowing with out interuption .. I think it is reasonable for you to expect him to attend treatment and then at the right point in time .. expect him to get a job and keep it.

hang in there -

It might be that his capabilities in getting/holding a job right now aren't there. Do you have a county mental health where you could get him treated? They are often based on income and he could get the meds he needs cheaply, if not free (being that he is 19, I would think they would go on his income) as well as therapy to learn some good coping skills to manage his difficulties.

I would be more concerned about helping him learn how to manage his illness than looking for a job right now. The job part will come as he is more stable.

Please keep us posted and best of luck.

Yoda,

I’m sorry to hear that your son is having problems. I have very similar ones with mine, although he’d love to work at Game Stop. That was his goal, but the nearest one is an hour away, and with what he’d pay in gas, he’d earn less than it costs to work there. But he feels that he could be comfortable there. He did work for a summer in a factory after graduation, but it left a really bad impression on him and his anxiety level is very high when it comes to factory work.

A friend recently recommended that I contact Goodwill. They have programs for everyone and a foot in many doors. Try giving them a call. Once my son has his driver’s license that is our next plan of attack. I’m walking the same tightrope you are. I know that he has to be independent at some point in time, but I also know that I am unable to work right now because of my own issues.

I don’t know how the advocacy system works where you’re from. I imagine that it is the same in most places. In Michigan there was an office that I could call and if the school wasn’t listening to me, they DEFINITELY listed to the advocate. Took one call and never had a problem in MI again. We moved to Wisconsin when he was in the 6th grade. The system is awesome here, the state itself appoints an advocate to represent him. That advocate made sure that his IEP was followed to the letter, and if adjustments were needed or a situation came up that we had not covered, it was fixed immediately. He also had some awesome LD teachers. When one of his mainstream teachers was complaining about the adjustments needed, she jumped all over it and problem solved within the hour!

If you’re not up to the fight, talk to his LD teachers, or do a search for the local advocacy office in your area.

Good luck to both of you!

Hi Yoda,

It sounds like your son is a pretty typical 19 year old!!

I have 3 sons and boy, they are not easy to live with. Throw in some MI and you have a boatload of worry. I agree with the others -- you should focus now on getting some support for both of you. If you are in the U,S (and it sounds that way) he should be on social security or medicaid. Either one would pay for his meds. Also, the school district should refer you to the county mental health association or appropriate agency for help with job placement once he is finished with school.

It just doesn't sound so much that he needs tough love yet but maybe you need some help. It's so hard on the mom when our children look grown up but don't act it. I know, I am there with you.

I would also keep up with him on the applications if that is what you and he have agreed on. Maybe once a week you two should have an official sit down to discuss job hunting progress?

Best of luck. Keep posting.

He's doing what he's allowed to do. He may want to only do those things, but that doesn't mean it's what he needs to be doing. Take them away. That will help stimulate his motivation. Give him a date by which he must have a job. He's not a child any longer.

My son was the same way. I nudged gently for years. It didn't work. I understood all his problems and issues, but that didn't help in getting him to become an independent adult. One therapist suggested getting him on disability but I refused; he hadn't even tried yet and you don't know what you can do until you try. He's doing well now and there was no easy road to get there. It was tough on us both, but he's learned he can do things he didn't think he could, and he is well on his way to full independence.

A sleep aid is not a good idea for someone with sleep apnea.