[Kendyll]

My BF's kids are coming over for their first "sleepover" tomorrow night.
I don't have the words to express to you the terror and anxiety I feel right now.
Back story, in case anyone's missed it...I am NOT into kids. Didn't ever want them, don't know what to do with them, have no training or instinct or anything. My mom didn't want the two she had, and I learned her lessons well. Next thing you know, I meet this wonderful man, and something that had been a lifelong deal-breaker morphs into "I want to make this work and I and I want to learn". SO that's what I've been doing.
I'm trying, I'm learning, I'm getting adjusted.

IMSO (In my selfish opinion) things were going well - we've been taking them for one afternoon every other weekend from about 2-8pm. I know that's not enough time for him or them. The kids deserve time with their father. Their father deserves time with them.

Well, last night his XW calls up to arrange the schedule for this weekend, and she's already told the boys that they can spend the night with us. They're really excited and looking forward to it. If he says "no, that's not what we agreed on" it gives her another opportunity to tell the boys that their daddy doesn't want to see them. So he agrees, and I stand behind him. I don't want to come between he and his sons. They need each other.

But six hours is enough to set my nerves on edge. I'm showing marked improvement - Used to be, in the beginning, about half an hour at his place was all I could take. But I'm not ready to be with them for 18 hours!!! Yes, I know they'll be asleep for part of it, but I also know they get up a LOT earlier than I do in the morning, and there's no way I can sleep through a 5 year old and an 8 year old. Not to mention I'm quite the grouch until I come out of the Seroquel fog...I can get away for a couple hours tomorrow night to go to my AA meetings, but then I come home again. Since they'll be asleep (probably on the couch), no TV, no music, Nothing. And I'm going to have to wear pajamas...No smoking, no cussing, no sex stuff, no grown-up TV...

Yes, I know that my issues are selfish. The big picture behind it is that having kids means you give up your life to serve them. Whatever you thought you were going to do is over because the kids have to come first and you will never be free.

I really do want to make this work...They're great kids! Smart and funny and reasonably well behaved (for a pair of young boys). And Jon's such a good father.

I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to this relationship. I just feel like...what he wants and needs in this should come before my discomfort and fear. These are children and they come first. If I want to be with this man, then I need to accept his children too.

I'm just so damned angry and scared. That B**** is messing with MY life, now. She's not just playing with him. It's affecting me. It puts Jon in an ugly place. I puts me in an ugly place, and these two great little guys wind up in the middle.

What can I do to keep myself calm so that this whole overnight thing goes OK? What on earth am I going to do?

I dont really see it as your problem they are his children so its up to him to entertain and look after them .....

Just be nice to them and allow them to have time with their dad I think is a good thing to do anyway.

If it gets too much for you then pre-arrange with 'Jon' for you to have time out in the bedroom with a good book.

Good luck !

[Sannah]

Hi Kendyll, I found with myself that I had issues with kids because I knew that I had to "give" to them and I didn't want to because no one gave to me. I was able to get over this I think once I was able to meet my own needs (so then someone did give to me!) plus I was able to get over my barriers which kept others at a distance from me so that I could start receiving from others. (It's a weird set up. You don't get what you need while growing up so you then keep people back so you won't get hurt but it keeps you from getting what you need so then you cannot give to others

[Kendyll]

Ah, but it is my problem because they'll be staying at my house.

But, yes, there is a lot of "giving" involved - "giving up" my 'druthers. With little in the way of immediate return. Children are not a blessing in my reality. They're a liability, an avoidable tragedy. I'm been working with my T on this, but we're not making headway fast enough. We did Halloween, and by the end of the evening I was worn through. It was a fun night, but there was too much of it. Too much noise, too much whining, too many toys, too many cartoons. Too much "kid stuff" with nothing for me.

Yes I KNOW that's selfish!!
I love Jon enough to try, and he's been wonderfully patient and kind with me. I just don't think I'll EVER feel the way he does about kids. My issues go WAY back...I'm trying. I'm really trying...I may have to lock myself in the bedroom.

You guys make this sound like it's easy or that I should know what I'm doing. I don't get it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Kendyll

You guys make this sound like it's easy or that I should know what I'm doing. I don't get it.

If you agree with what I wrote to fix this it will take time. You will need to learn to nurture yourself and allow others close enough to nurture you too.

If you get close enough to a child you get a lot back in return.....

Do you think you might dislike kids so much because you still dislike your inner child?

[Kendyll]

You're right - this is gonna take time...Unfortunately, in some aspects, I don't HAVE time. They're coming over tomorrow.

Part of the reason I dislike children is the fact that they are allowed to act like children, behave like children. That was unacceptable with my mom, and she's passed that down to me. Inner child? Don't think so. Don't have one. It got beaten up and beaten down until it gave up. Did I mention that I had NO "maternal" role models. My mom liked kids - in theory. Just not in practice. I don't even bother with theory. What on earth would you get back from a child? All they do is take, take, take...They're a burden and a drag and the end of your independent life.

That's my extreme. It actually gets worse than that, but I learned long ago that what I really think isn't acceptable.

These are great little guys! They're smart and funny and really good kids. If they were old enough to take care of themselves, I'd really dig them. I mean, they can feed themselves and use the toilet, which is a start... I'm looking forward to teaching them how to fish next year. We do kitchen science experiments and watch "Schoolhouse Rock". In another year or so, they're going to be really nifty people.

But they're staying over tomorrow.

[AAAAA]

I agree with Tishie, time alone with dad is what’s needed. If you’re going to be in this for the long haul, you’ll have to be friendly with them. I don’t know how old the kids are but there are things that you can all do together. If they’re young take them to the park, pack a picnic lunch and tire them out there. When you get home, bath and a story and they’re off to sleep. If they’re older, invest in some board games. My kids are adults and they still love a family night playing Life, or Payday. Monopoly tends to cause some friction lol. Candyland is a favorite for younger children. Or let them kick your butt in Disney Trivial pursuit. You’re best bet in the long run is to find some common ground. Anything that you do that they know that they have your undivided attention will work. Let us know how it turned out.