[free902]

I have a daughter, who will be three in January. Her mother an I had a complicated relationship and I didn't see either of them since she was born. Her mother and I patched things up earlier this year, but she died in August. She wanted me to raise our daughter once I was in a financial situation to do so, and my daughter has been living with her parents since then.
I now have the finances to do it, and have made plans for her to live with me early next year. But now, I am wondering if it is the right thing. She has a serious stomach disorder and has been hospitalized several times this year. I myself have several health issues, but it is mainlly my mental state that worries me. For a long time I never dealt with it properly. I have been the last months however and things have improved. I have an excellent job and can usually manage things. But there are times when just crumble, and I can barely take care of myself. How am I supposed to take care of her if that happens?
I want to be with her and be a good father to her more than anything. But I know it's more important that she live in a stable situation, and I have to wonder if I can give that to her. She's been through so much already, the last thing I want is for me to cause her even more grief. Her godparents are great people, I know they be great with her. But she is still the most important thing in my life, and I desperately want to find a way to make this work.

[e_sort]

that's a very tough issue. what about a part-time arrangement to start? like start out with her just on weekends or alternate weeks or something? I guess that could be complicated. I'm confident you will make the right decisions, though, you sound like you have all the right interests at heart.

[AAAAA]

This sounds like a very tough situation. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you get along with her parents, talk to them. Voice your concerns about the situation and ask for their advice. Whatever you decide make sure that your daughter knows that you love her and spend as much time as you possibly can with her. E sort has a good idea, even if she’s not living with you right now, take her as much as you can so she’s comfortable in your home, this will make the transition easier. I wish you the best of luck!

[free902]

I'd love to have her with me, even on a part time basis, just to start. The problem being that right now, she is living halfway across the continent, so unfortunately it's not an option. One thing I've talked about with her grandparents is the idea of her grandmother living with us for a while, to make sure every is working out, though it's not something that could be done long term.

[Rhapsody]

If you are having to ask then I would say that now is not the right time.... so take it slow and get to know your daughter through visitation and over night stays - and in time you will have your answer.

Good Luck...

[free902]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

If you are having to ask then I would say that now is not the right time.... so take it slow and get to know your daughter through visitation and over night stays - and in time you will have your answer.

Good Luck...

That is what I am thinking right now as well. I am going to see her for a week pretty soon. But $1400 for a plane ticket is tough to do regularly. I hope in the end I can make it work, but it's so hard right now to be so far apart.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( free902 ))))))))))))))))

Are you in therapy? This is a subject that you could explore with a therapist and you could even work on some skills that you will need to be a healthy parent. This is a really hard situation, it sounds like you love your daughter very much and I think you will make the right decision. I really like the idea of the grandma coming along for a while to help with the transition.

[free902]

I am seeing a therapist occasionally. I talked about it with her a few times. She is helping me work towards being able to handle this. But in the end, I know it's up to me. I love her more than I could've imagined possible, I want her to have the best life possible. I just want to do whatever I have to, to make sure I am a part of it.

[coralproper]

I have 4 & 6 year old girls.

If you don't listen to anything else anyone ever tells you about parenting,listen to this

" your daughter needs YOU to raise her ", unless you feel that she would fall in harms way at your hands

if you don't raise her, you will be missing out on the best therapy you can ever receive.her unconditional love

[used-up579]

Do it! OMG! We all have questions about parenting and whether we can do it and if we can support them financially and emotionally and we ALL make mistakes (some of them we pay for for a long time!) and......the list goes on!

Just do it. Scoop her up...give her all the love you can. That's all kids need. Love and attention. She will get sick, and you'll still take care of her. And you'll get sick, and you will still take care of her! And when she's older, she can take care of you too. But at least take the opportunity and be a dad, not just someone who fathered a child. Anyone can do that!

Love that child!

[Michah]

Hear, Hear! I raised a child on my own with Borderline and scizoeffective and my son came on the horrendous ride with me. Hospital admissions, medication and god knows what. I did not have any family really but my dad did look after my son when I was hospitalised. He is healthy, happy and a good student. He is 13 now and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I keep a close eye on him though, to make sure that he is coping at school and with friends.

He was my saviour, my anchor in a terrible storm and he has kept me alive more times than I can remember.

So go for it. Your baby needs you and you need her. Go on the ride together. Strangely enough it is easier and you live with no regrets. Good Luck!

[free902]

I'm so scared about it though. What if we start it and I'm not capable? I want this so much. But I am just so scared. She is so unusually smart for her age. I want her to have every advantage possible, but what if I can't do that? She will probably be smarter than me in five years. I can't do this

It would be better for your daughter for you to play a role in her life, anything is better than nothing .....

However don't feel pushed into somthing you feel you dont want to do no one here will think any the less of you if you dont look after her, as your name says you are 'free' to do what you want....

Hugs Trish.

[bonaire]

Gosh, you have a lot to think about. As an adopted child, myself, I feel that you have more options than you can imagine. Everything you do, you should do so for the sake of the child. Can you give this child 1 day of your life? 1 year? 20 years? Can you arrange for her well-being for the next 20 years? Pay for or help with college? Deal with everything that comes along? Take days off work to be with her when she's sick? Give up time for yourself and give it all to take care of your daughter?

Lots of questions and no real answers.

I was given up for adoption as a baby by parents who apparently had lots of kids already. No room in the inn, as they say, so I was adopted by parents who couldn't have their own kids. Things worked out ok for me and my real parents knew they did the right thing. I have never tried to contact them but I bet it was a hard decision for them (even though they already had numerous kids already).

The one question you have to ask yourself is - are you the best person to raise her out of all the available options? The most important person in this relationship is her - - no matter how much you want her to be with you. I'm not really trying to be hard on you here - but this is the thinking a judge will go through if you are trying to get custody.

[free902]

I guess the problem is I don't know what I'm capable of. She came to visit a few weeks ago and we had a great time. But it was hard to deal with when I start having problems. And she is so smart so she knows something is wrong. It's such a hard situation to have your three year old daughter asking what is wrong, and trying to help me. She shouldn't have to do that.