[VanillaBean]

I'm curious as to how you (or you and your partner or spouse) deal with having an adult child, or children, who live at home.

Do they pay you rent and/or have certain chores, or do they contribute to your household in some other way (helping out with buying groceries, babysitting younger siblings, etc.)?

If rent is not paid, chores are not done, or other expectations are not met, are there consequences, and if so, what are they?


Thanks!

[Rhapsody]

My husband and I still have one son living at home that is 19 years old and going to college full time... our rules have always been that our kids could live at home FREE of CHARGE up until they were 24 years old "IF" they were attending school and being respectful of the house rules and helping out with chores and the occasionally milk or bread when needed.

Consequences for not following the house rules, helping out when asked or being respectful to parents would result in the loss of using our car and /or be given six months to obtain their own place once notified that such was required of them.

As soon as they are working no matter what age they pay 15 percent of their wage to us its simple and fair to everyone.

Because one child found it hard to get a job we did a crafty one and paid a friend who had a cafe 20 pound a week to employ him ! To this day he does not know we was paying his wage and then taking 15 percent out of it lmao.

Had a friend many years ago who allowed her son to not pay a penny while in education however as soon as he got a job after leaving uni he had to pay a third of all bills coming into the house as he was the third adult, I thought this harsh but he is now a bank manager with two children one of whom does the same.

Its a put up and shut up rule, ie they put up with it or move out.

[AAAAA]

Our policy is that this is their home and they're always welcome here. They do still ask if they can go X, let me know where they are and when they'll be home. Still have to follow house rules such as no drinking and driving, pick up after yourself etc and chores are the same as they always were.

When my husband and I moved in with my parents for a few months when he got out of the service, my parents would not take anything for rent, but we purchased all groceries, I did the cooking and cleaning. This was a very difficult situation for us because we'd be on our own for nearly 10 years by that time. There were times when we'd visit other family members out of town and decide to spend the weekend and it never occurred to me to call home (makes mental note to cut my kids some slack).

[VanillaBean]

Thanks for the responses so far, everyone.

I'm inquiring because I live with my boyfriend, who is divorced and has two sons, one of whom is 19 and lives with us full-time. My boyfriend has been having some major problems with this young man's behavior. He's very disrespectful and inconsiderate of everyone around him. Being "just" his dad's girlfriend, I have no say as to what he does, so I never discipline him. But his behavior is causing a lot of stress between my boyfriend and I.

Basically this young man doesn't work and doesn't attend college full-time (he is taking one class at the community college). He has no regular chores and does not pay rent. He buys groceries for himself only, and when he prepares meals he leaves the mess for someone else to clean up. It's useless to tell him to do his dishes because he won't even wash them properly. I usually have to re-wash them because there's still food on the utensils. He does nothing to contribute to the household. All he does is trash it, lose other people's property and then lie about it, and just turn the place upside down. Only very recently did he actually get punished for his behavior (I've lived with my boyfriend for over six months and it's been an issue since before I moved in). I'm appalled that he has gotten away with as much as he has and don't have a lot of faith in the method my boyfriend is using to try to get his point across. His son is so apathetic even a punishment won't really do much good after awhile. He'll just revert to his old ways again. I have seen it happen before.

I lived with my parents for a few years after moving back from another state and I paid rent, helped with groceries, and split chores with my two younger brothers. Cleaning up after myself went without saying.

I know every family is different. I am having a really hard time with the way my boyfriend is handling things, or rather, not handling them. I have contemplated moving out, but my boyfriend insists that "things will change", I just need to be patient. I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to wait for things to get better. Maybe I am just impatient and unreasonable?

[Corine]

Originally Posted by VanillaBean

Thanks for the responses so far, everyone.

I'm inquiring because I live with my boyfriend, who is divorced and has two sons, one of whom is 19 and lives with us full-time. My boyfriend has been having some major problems with this young man's behavior. He's very disrespectful and inconsiderate of everyone around him. Being "just" his dad's girlfriend, I have no say as to what he does, so I never discipline him. But his behavior is causing a lot of stress between my boyfriend and I.

Basically this young man doesn't work and doesn't attend college full-time (he is taking one class at the community college). He has no regular chores and does not pay rent. He buys groceries for himself only, and when he prepares meals he leaves the mess for someone else to clean up. It's useless to tell him to do his dishes because he won't even wash them properly. I usually have to re-wash them because there's still food on the utensils. He does nothing to contribute to the household. All he does is trash it, lose other people's property and then lie about it, and just turn the place upside down. Only very recently did he actually get punished for his behavior (I've lived with my boyfriend for over six months and it's been an issue since before I moved in). I'm appalled that he has gotten away with as much as he has and don't have a lot of faith in the method my boyfriend is using to try to get his point across. His son is so apathetic even a punishment won't really do much good after awhile. He'll just revert to his old ways again. I have seen it happen before.

I lived with my parents for a few years after moving back from another state and I paid rent, helped with groceries, and split chores with my two younger brothers. Cleaning up after myself went without saying.

I know every family is different. I am having a really hard time with the way my boyfriend is handling things, or rather, not handling them. I have contemplated moving out, but my boyfriend insists that "things will change", I just need to be patient. I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to wait for things to get better. Maybe I am just impatient and unreasonable?

I understand completely..
It is hard when your the girlfriend.. i went through that with my ex-boyfriend and his daughter... and she was so rude to my son and i while he was away.. it is hard to deal with someone that isn't your own.. and then if your boyfriend gets offended ..
Before moving in you should of set rules .. I had my son and his wife live with us.. and believe me she was something else.. i throw her out once.. and when they needed a place to stay again.. that is when i set the rules and said .. this time you will pay for food.. and pay the gas.. and give us 300 a month.. well guess what they got their own place..lol
Well i really feel for you.. but you and your boyfriend are going to have to talk.. and make some rules in the home...
corine

[AAAAA]

I cannot imagine taking money from my kids while they're living with us, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate being disrespected! There is no excuse for bad manners.

[filifera]

As an adult offspring who returned home for a few years to finish college, I can offer my view of things.

I did not expect a free ride. I expected to pay my share of the expenses, and we came to an agreement we both felt was fair.

[VanillaBean]

My boyfriend is well aware of my feelings. After being warned by a few people (one of whom was my mom) to squelch the urge to let it be known that I have a HUGE issue with what is going on, I sat down with my boyfriend and spilled my guts. This was in November. From the beginning, he agreed that his son was out of control. Told me he would take care of it, and asked me to please not verbalize my feelings as it would only cause problems. I kept quiet and hoped for the best.

Well, now it's MARCH and the house is as trashed as ever. Maybe worse. I clean around here, but I'm lucky if it lasts for a day. I tried the whole "not gonna clean up after anyone, I'm not a maid" thing and I ended up going crazy. (And I'm not a neatnik - I'm just not a slob.) My boyfriend and I have actually been arguing about this, which is unusual for us. Despite the fact that I have Asperger's syndrome and can be, um, difficult to deal with, we have never had problems that couldn't be solved by having a frank discussion. He is generally very patient with me, and understanding, and I am very grateful for that. And I have tried to bear that in mind when I get upset about the latest disaster in the house.

But it's not working anymore. I have come to greatly resent my boyfriend's son, and to some degree, I have begun to resent my boyfriend, too, because he isn't doing anything about this situation, like he said he would. He claims to be as disgusted with his son's behavior as I am, but until last week, never once DID anything to punish him. I am at the end of my rope, to the point that I don't even want to be around his son anymore. His behavior is SO wrong, and so disgusting, and my boyfriend knows how much it bothers me, not to mention his younger son, who he has joint custody of. WHY isn't he doing more? Am I missing something here?

This has turned into a total rant... Sorry...

[GrayNess]

I'm not a parent but rather a 19 year old kid at university living at home. I have to do some basic chores, depending on the days I have to cook dinner for myself, etc... . I don't pay the parents as they say I can continue living as long as I'm in classes. Also have to work during the summers full-time as I don't work (parents won't let me) during the normal school year.

Maybe he doesn't feel punishment is right or that the behavior deserves punishment. Also, could be that you are seen to deal the punishment, so why should he? Those are my guesses.

I don't know what your punishment methods are but you could try being harsher if the current ones are having no effect. You may also have to show him that you're not going to put up with his behavior, but when he changes, ease up. The punishments, to me, should be something that makes the person worried or scared, not a little "fine, let's do the punishment then go back to doing whatever". That gets you nowhere and gets him to in a sense, dominate you, because although you dictate the punishment, he'd dictate how it goes. Therefore, he could annoy you and doing that, control you somewhat.

[AAAAA]

(((Vanilla))) In my opinion the only thing that you can do is move into your own place. Boyfriends, even husbands come and go, but your children are yours for life. This is an issue that your boyfriend has to deal with. This behavior didn't happen over night and if that's the way things have always been, you can't really fault the son. If your boyfriend refuses to deal with this you have your answer. Even though the son is totally in the wrong, you don't want to be in the position of son vs. girlfriend. If it's getting to the point that you are resenting your boyfriend and his son, then for your own mental health and the sake of your relationship, get your own place.

[googley]

Hi,
I haven't lived at home since high school, but my brother did for a few years after he graduated from college. My parent's deal with him was that he had to pay rent (after he found a job which took him a little time). He also had to do chores. My parent's let him use their car (until they sold it to him) to go to and from work, but he was required to pay for all the gas and maintenance as they were not using it very much. They told him if he didn't like the rules then he was free to find his own place. If I had moved back in after college it would have been the same.
Good luck!