[lynn P.]

Hi, my girls are 7 & 11 and have never had or been to a sleepover because my husband thinks something bad could happen to them. I have mixed feelings but my daughter thinks she's missing out. I told her that we can't allow it because her father is so dead set against it. Is there anyone else who thinks that way.

[Safron]

Looking out for our children today has become a huge priority with all the media reports and the fact that most criminal assaults towards children are by someone they know, even a relative. I really feel your husband's fears are quite realistic.

My children are grown but I do have grandchildren and they do have sleepovers but only with children of parents my daughter knows well.

I think your younger one may be a bit young for a sleepover but the older girl could have one at home and in the meantime perhaps you and your husband could work to get to know the parents of your child’s friends. This might go some way to reassure your husband. But I understand his point of view. We can never be too careful about who we leave our children with.

[deliquesce]

me and my two sisters went to many sleepovers and all of them were fine. that said, my parents knew our friends' parents, and there was always adult supervision.

safron's idea is a good one - maybe invite your elder one's friends over for her own sleepover? that way she won't miss out, and you can also keep an eye on things.

personally, i do think your kids miss out on a lot if they aren't allowed to go to sleepovers.

I know with my kids . My daughter I made it at a certain age she could go to them.
But I had to know the parents very well.
I also made sure there was not too many kids there other wise how can they watch them all .
When my daughter had friends sleep over it was only a few at a time.
I knew every one of the parents and had all thier phone #s in case something came up.
I also did not go to sleep till they did.
I remember being young lololol

imo 7 is a little young
imo the 11 year old should be ok
hope this helps
muffy

[AAAAA]

This is so hard for kids to miss out on, they feel so left out when everyone is talking about them on Monday morning. Even if they were boring, somehow reliving them is much more fun. How about hosting one yourself?

[Rhapsody]

I would suggest that you let your daughter have a sleep over over at your house and see how it goes... then you can slowly work up to your daughter sleeping over at a friends house - after you get to know & trust the parents and the child.

I let mine go on sleep overs the youngest I let them go was seven however I only let them go when I know the father is not going to be there....

I also hold alot at my house it saves the worry.

[lynn P.]

Hi Tishie,
thanks for the reply. He is even dead set against having one at our house because he's paranoid about- what if the kid would make up a lie. I do know some of the parent of my childrens freinds well but, he still opposes it. He always uses the case which was on the news 6 months ago of the father who used to serve juice laced with drugs and then he would assault the girls. He's not going to budge on this and I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

[JS1scuba]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Hi, my girls are 7 & 11 and have never had or been to a sleepover because my husband thinks something bad could happen to them. I have mixed feelings but my daughter thinks she's missing out. I told her that we can't allow it because her father is so dead set against it. Is there anyone else who thinks that way.

Sounds like the husband here has some issues he needs to resolve.

If this sleep over is at a friends house where you KNOW the parents well and the children well then there should be no issues. Also make sure your children know they can call you at any time to to come home and you will come get them.

Know matter how well you know them they can still be abusers .....

How about if he went away for the night and then you can have their friends over that way they will not feel diff to their friends.

Here is what I think...

And. just to let you know, my boy is only 1, so I am far, far away from anything like this.

I think that sleepovers, around the age of 11, are perfectly ok.. IF you know the parents well, have hung around them together, ect. Now of course, no matter how well you know someone they can be an abuser in secret. There are ways to protect your child against this..

This is one of the primary reasons we need to teach our kids to defend themselves/about good touch and bad touch/to never fear telling us anything. When to start this kind of lessons is really up to you - personally I would begin when the child is ready to start going to a school without me - whenever the child is going to be around other adults without me around. You just never know.

You don't have to scare your child.. there are plenty of great children's books and books for adults on how to broach the subject of healthy touch and negative or abusive touching. Also, I think being open with children about things like the names of body parts(real names, don't use slang, its better to stick with actual names such as penis and vagina and whatnot-this makes it more cemented and less chance of being misunderstood)and about their sexuality is really important. And yes, children that young DO have a sexuality.. everyone has a sexuality from birth. So its important that you start at a fairly young age with things like body parts and good and bad touching, and who to tell if someone should do something that makes them feel bad.

Also, its important that our children feel like they can come to us ANYTIME with ANYTHING that they feel strange about.. even if they just tell us another adult gave them a hug and they felt weird.. they should feel like they can come to us without fear of us saying"oh is that it" or "thats nothing" type of responses. Kids need to know that we will validate their feelings and help them sort it out.

So i think the best thing you can do is instill a good basic knowledge of themselves and how to protect themselves from an early age - make it age appropriate of course - so that they know what to do.

[selfy]

being a kid. i know fo sho, that when i was still being bullied and had no friends, the fact that i never had anyone to sleep over or anything killed me. i knew i was missing out.
i think in some cases the worry is appropriate, but surely if you meet the other childs parents, and anyone else whos around during the sleepover beforehand you can judge them accordingly?

and surely if they are amongst friends there is little any possible abuser can do?

now, im relatively convinced that you are a good parent, seeing your concern, good enough to teach or have taught your child ho to look after themself.

i think it would be a big shame for them to never have that opportunity, as it is something important in a childs life.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by JS1scuba

Sounds like the husband here has some issues he needs to resolve.

If this sleep over is at a friends house where you KNOW the parents well and the children well then there should be no issues. Also make sure your children know they can call you at any time to to come home and you will come get them.

In theory you'd be right. The man that molested me was my father's best friend from birth. Home town > 500, everyone KNEW everyone well.

[JS1scuba]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

In theory you'd be right. The man that molested me was my father's best friend from birth. Home town > 500, everyone KNEW everyone well.

It's unfortunate you had that experience. I have little tolerance for people that abuse people.

I have 2 children 9 and 7. They have been taught from the time they could reason that their safety is important and that they can say NO. They learned how to use the telephone early on, know how to call police, and fire etc. Both are trained in CPR. They have been taught about "bad" people.

We have always started out sleep overs HERE. Our children do not go to other childrens homes unless we have been there and have spent time with the parents. Our kids like to hang out with us as do the other kids, heck the parents do too.

Children need to know there is a hard world out there and they have a shared responsiblity in thier own safety.

Parents also need to utilize the local resources they have to "check out" the parents of the other kids. It's a simple look up. I will check the sex offender sites, local courts for arrest records (yes you can look that up too) DUI, other infractions etc.

It's important also to interview your kid when they come home. What did you do, what movies did you watch, what did the parents do, what did you eat, etc etc etc. Kids will tell you everything just let them feel safe and they will.

Cheers

JDS

[AAAAA]

I did not let this experience ruin my children's childhood. Like you say, I educated them without scaring them. I know how important these social things are for little girls in particular so we usually hosted them. For birthday's I'd get a couple adjoining hotel rooms and let them swim in the pool etc.

My biggest problem (and I know I've said it a million times) with the sexual offender list is that in this state it can be something as simple as peeing outside behind a bush or an 18 yr old dating a 17 year old to an actual sexual assualt.

[reach]

I see there is truth in all of the comments here. For me, I am still not completely certain about the whole thing. My daughter used to sleep over at our neighbors but as our relationship deteriorate I am stopping that too.

Lying is absolutely not my way of handling things. Honestly is one of the highest code I uphold. Breaking it could ruin trust. And the biggest ruin it brings is that it would teach your children that "Lying is O.k. which is NOT."

I think inviting others to your house for a sleepover is a good idea.

Ya, these days it is really hard to trust anyone completely, unless you really really know them deeply. Even women can molest young boys (case of a teacher).

Drugging is a scary thing to think about as your child may not even know what happened. Also don't forget, even if you know the parents, there might be unexpected guest like uncles, or brother's friend in the house,etc. Most people would not think it is essential to mentioned this to you when your child sleepover at their house. Anyway, it doesn't takes a night for things to happen, it is always good to be mindful even for day visits especially long ones.

I would avoid all sleeps over if possible unless absolutely pressed for, then I'll take a step at a time.

[lynn P.]

Thanks to everyone who offered their opinions and advice.