[ThisWayOut]

I am really struggling with the thought (and fact) of applying for disability... It scares me. I feel like it will be a death-sentence to the last shred of motivation I have left... I know I can look at it as a means to an end, but what if it is not?

I don't have a job, can't hold one very well, can't get another one since moving across country... I know moving down here has really messed me up emotionally, and I know I need to deal with it. The only way to actually get into one of the intensive programs that may actually help me, I need to either self-pay about $15,000; I need to have private insurance (can't afford that without an income); or get on Medicaid (via disability). It has been suggested more than once that I would ultimately qualify for disability since I cannot work in my field due to triggering... but I'm afraid if I go that route, I not only have to take meds again (long, sordid tale of terrible decompensation), but I have to give up the idea of working in my field all together for at least a year, if not more... I get bursts of energy and sanity, and I think I could really do well working again, but then the depression comes back and it's all shot. I can't even get a job outside of my field because I have left the last few jobs for "medical reasons" and no one wants to deal with that... also, the job market here sucks...
Armed with that knowledge, I know I need to seek intensive treatment for the PTSD and self-harm... I know that those trigger the intense depression, and I can't function reliably when depressed. Only I can't afford anything... and I have no idea how to sign up for state benefits, or how to get onto disability... I would talk to a lawyer, but I don't have money for that. My T is trying to get me some case management, but much of that is mediated by my lack of financial resources... that and I have an amazing ability to sound all together until I completely snap...
That alone should make the idea of being on disability a relief, but really it's just scary... I don't want to fall into a trap of feeling like I can't ever do anything in my field again... I want to go back some day. I want to get my advanced degree... but what if disability is more than temporary? what if the intensive treatment program doesn't work? what if I have to go on a ****-ton of meds again and they make me really bad again? only this time something happens to make that state permanent...? I'm afraid of screwing up the rest of my life, but at the same time I'm screwing it up by not getting the help I need... How do you some to terms with the concept of psychiatric disability? How do you move past it again to keep growing and thriving (start growing and thriving again?)? I told me T all this, but he just tells me to think of it as a means to an end... He says I should look at the benefits of getting it... I'm scared it's really a black hole in disguise and I will never be able to get away from it...

[Leed]

Bless your heart. First, you CAN get an attorney without having to pay for it, in order to get disability. You hire him on "contingency," meaning he gets paid out of your disability award when it comes thru. And he can't get more than 25% of that award. At least that's the percentage when I got my disability. But you don't pay him anything until you get your disability. And if you do NOT get the disability, he gets paid NOTHING. So that gives him an incentive to work hard for you. Usually, once you hire a disability attorney, you almost always are approved. So hire one!!

Secondly, just because you're on disability doesn't mean the end of your life. DO NOT buy into the thinking that being on disability is next to having one foot in the grave! Also, you PAID INTO this fund, and this is YOUR MONEY you're getting back!! It's is NOT a "hand out." This is money you have coming to you!!! You've been paying into it for years and years!!! If you don't get it, it will just go to the "general fund" of the U.S. and they will waste it like they've been doing!!!

You MAY never be able to work in your field again -- no one knows. I can never work in mine again either because my disability is due to severe spine issues. I was an Optician for many years and it was necessary that I be on my feet all day -- well, I cannot do that anymore. In fact it's difficult to stand for 5 minutes now. Plus I have times I have to lay flat, and I doubt there's any place that will let me do THAT. lol I've been disabled since I was about 44 yrs old -- and I really took a hit, mentally. But, I got thru it and I'm now 64 yrs old. But that happens to all of us -- having trouble accepting it mentally. It IS difficult -- and sometimes we need counseling to deal with it. I'm glad you're in therapy.

You do have a few things to think about, but as far as disability it doesn't have to be permanent. You can get back OFF of it if you decide you want to go back to work -- or you can work a LITTLE while you're on disability. There's a certain amount of money you can make while you're on disability -- they'll tell you how much. If you go over that, you'll lose your disability.

I wish you the very best. Please take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Tamster]

It is so hard coming to terms with our disability with your family much less the public, and not to speak of your private life. Some of us have lived with our illness forever and some it snuck up on us suddenly, either way we feel alone in the fight. I was lucky to have all good doctors working with me and I didnt have to fight for my disability but they did wait til the last darn minute to let me know the rascals. I can have sympathy for those who do go without, as I worried so much up until the day that the letter came, I didnt believe I would be labeled with a schizophrenic disorder, not so fast and not like that. It changed the rules of my life I cant even get my meds alone anymore. Some days are different and I know my family thinks I am crazy. Am I crazy? Maybe , but I am not frightning , I am still funny and talented my pdoc says. He still reads all my songs and poems and wants me to publish them, ha. He is a funny man too.

[ThisWayOut]

I think a lot comes from the attitudes of my parents... they don't think I should go for it, but just "try harder to think positive"... If it were that easy, I would have done it by now... ugh. It's weird that I could help my own clients get on disability, and never thought any different of them. But when it comes to me, I have no idea where to even begin nor can I get over the feeling of hopelessness that comes with it... I know I need it though. It's more difficult to live off the kindness and charity of others than it is to get some cash from the government for mental health issues.

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I think a lot comes from the attitudes of my parents... they don't think I should go for it, but just "try harder to think positive"... If it were that easy, I would have done it by now... ugh. It's weird that I could help my own clients get on disability, and never thought any different of them. But when it comes to me, I have no idea where to even begin nor can I get over the feeling of hopelessness that comes with it... I know I need it though. It's more difficult to live off the kindness and charity of others than it is to get some cash from the government for mental health issues.

Good morning,

I understand where you are coming from. I could deal with clients who were working through abuse issues. However I was overwhelmed at point and went IP for a 3 days.

You do the same thing I do...............drive yourself crazy with the "what if's". It has been my experience that my worst case scenario doesn't happen. I would waste so much energy with "what if", I didn't have energy to function in other parts of my life. My motto for that cycle in my thoughts was, "when in fear, when in doubt, run in circles scream and shout". It was extremely helpful....not.

I know in the state where I live, there are IP programs for folks who have no $ or jobs. Perhaps your T could help you find one.

As far as applying for disablity, no shame there. You admit you have no problems with clients who are on disability...... could you be that nonjudgemental and generous to yourself? I agree with you, I would rather get disability $ than $ from family. Somehow, when family members get involved, they believe they are entitled to control your decisions. From what you posted, it sounds like they have no understanding on MI.

If you get disability while you work through your issues, I believe you can once again work with clients. Please allow yourself the same grace you give your clients.

Take gentle care,

Sabra

[archipelago]

I went on disability and it gave me the freedom to work really hard on my therapy. I also took classes, became a published poet, and out of volunteer work, decided about a new career. It was a productive time. And I'm really glad for it, especially for Medicare, because I had to have some operations that I wouldn't have been able to afford.

It didn't stop my life. In fact, it began my life, in the sense that I really learned what I wanted and was able to bring it into being.

[Perna]

Everyone gets a chronic illness or two (or more) in this life; it is not something to take personally or be ashamed of, it is not your fault or something you can make be different. It does not mean the end, we still have to manage that illness. I just got a good book on how to manage one's chronic illnesses, including mental illnesses, maybe it could help you set goals and work toward getting them done?

Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions: Self-Management of Heart Disease, Arthritis, Diabetes, Depression, Asthma, Bronchitis, Emphysema and Other Physical and Mental Health Conditions: Kate Lorig DrPH

[Schizofred]

I dont think everyone gets a chronic illness. And im on medicare and so far havent been able to find any intense treaments that medicare covers.

[ThisWayOut]

I found one treatment center that medicaid usually covers, but not medicare... hoping I can get there... I also need to get on the ball with state insurance because I need something more now, rather than later...