Roll Call

hi i thought i should kick start the thread again
today i went out with my husband and i wore jeans ( i managed to get stretch to fit jeans ) t shirt and a hoddie ... No binder just vest top ( we cant find our binder at the moment the bed room is a mess with bags of clothes that need washed my husband is slowly getting through it )
I know i should get another binder but at the moment we cant afford it as we are on disability because of other mental health problems

Goodness me it's been awhile since I've been here. Sorry everybody. Looks like a lot has happened! Hi too all the new people! Hi to everyone else too!

In terms of me being MtF, I've come out to my sister, the majority of of my important cousins (three), six school friends and this whole other group of online friends (fifteen + one).

But currently I'm distancing myself from that larger group, and I'm not sure how to strike up a conversation with actual school friends, and my sister and cousins all live somewhere else, so... right now I'm just feeling kind of... isolated and unmotivated, which is bad b/c I need to get homework done. >3<

I recently figured out I identify as androgyne. I wear my sweatpants or jeans, my new sweater everyday over my shirts. Hoping to come out to friends soon.

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg

The Skeezyks may post in this forum again... or maybe not...

Not anymore, but I'd feel really out of my element if I just reintegrated immediately, I mean, what would I talk about, so instead I'm just interacting with everyone on a 1-to-1 basis instead of as a group.

I hate when I slip up on pronouns. Especially when I KNOW what they are, but my brain shortcircuits and something else comes out of my mouth.

Looking forward to embracing my trans side more, though. Much safer environment here.

Most of today I felt like collapsing, but I resisted; good job me! >=3 And I also had some jasmine tea a while a ago, a little bitter but pretty nice! And then, um, I'm starting to learn how to make an omelette, can't do everything by myself yet but I'm going to try that first thing tomorrow, gonna' wake up early for that! And I also just really want a f@cking break because I'm really tired of having to pretend I'm okay and functioning, maybe I don't want to function right now how's that? I can pursue my future AFTER I reach mental stability, right? It's simply not healthy for people to move towards the future while just being "passable" or "getting by despite major depression", that results in people half-@ssing their dreams and spiraling down into the abyss. :/

I mean, I know people can never really be okay because suffering is one thing that connects us all, but can I at least reach a state where I'm "okay enough"? Can I PLEASE be allowed the time to do that?

... Well really I'm just way too scared to ask for even that much, my parents would be really disappointed in me. ._. I mean that's probably not true, but, just, rugkdcspkodsf rtao8t4wg8sr'Pgkgzbiwgtv

Moth-fly, I feel the same way. Like, everything you said (even the tea, although I don't know what kind of green tea it was).

I think I induced a headache by smiling too hard. >_>

If I laugh too hard I get a really painful headache. But it's still worth laughing! I'm glad something brought a smile to your face.

Oh, uh, no, it wasn't that kind of smile. I was feeling really sh!tty at the time and smiling ironically. >_>

checking in...tonight is my first time (i think...i may have read some threads a while back, can't remember) posting in the trans forum. i just discovered i'm trans and it actually feels pretty great. i have a whole lot of unanswered questions and no idea where to look for answers but for the first time in my life it really feels like everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens. what a strange feeling...

Hey spondiferous! Great to see you here! I've been way too quiet in these forums lately but hopefully now that I get notifications on my phone it'll be easier =D
I remember feeling that too. I can hardly believe it was four years ago. Is it four? Idk. Anywho lol yeah I saw a transguy on YouTube and I was floored. I felt a massive relief and happiness - I can get to be me!? Yes, yes I can! It has not been an easy journey, but it sure has been rewarding.

Ask as many questions as you like! I'm sure you're bursting at the seams with them =}

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It just feels so surreal right now. In one way I kind of feel like, If it was true wouldn't I have caught on earlier? But then I think about it and it doesn't take any real depth of investigation to see that it's been there all along, even as a child. I kept waiting for my body to change to accommodate how I felt and it never did. Then there's a thought like 'Oh I'm too old to transition though, and do I even want to transition, and how the hell do I even figure this stuff out?' But I started reading a book called 'Becoming a Visible Man' by Jamison Green - I just started reading it today and I'm almost halfway through. It is SO GOOD. And when he finally began his physical transition he was just a few years older than me. So it gives me hope. Right now I'm just going to try to focus on the sensations in my body with each added awareness and discovery, how I am experiencing my gender and my identity.

The ironic thing is that my wife is trans! So I have plenty of support, and we both are well situated socially within the trans community so I have that as well. I've told a couple of my non-trans, non-queer friends and family members just to see how it would feel to say it out loud and they're both supportive as well.

I didn't even think about the fact that there was a PC forum though. I'm glad there is.

I've been so confused. I hate being called a male, but I feel more masculine. I am mascandrogyne, because I like being more male, but don't like it when people see me as a male. I am okay with female because that's what everyone has been calling me, but other than that. I'm so confused about this. Maybe I'm just lying to myself.

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg

I came out to my professor as genderqueer and she was very supportive and now I can be more myself at university \o/ Also I feel a lot more valid the more I come out and experiencing how good and just 'right' it feels.

I am meeting someone today for the first time, a FtM who also is new to this city and is also from the place I moved here from. I am hoping it goes well and that I will have a new friend. We have lots in common. The truth is I don't know any/many FtMs, and I've started reading literature written by FtMs and it's awesome but it would be nice to have a support network IRL. I am also meeting (again) a guy in my old digs when we go back to visit next week. I am excited for that. He is someone who works with a lot of trans folks, including youth. He is such a nice guy.

I don't know if anyone else can relate, but this just feels too easy in a way. Like I realize I'm trans, and so many things just 'click' and then I actually feel a sense of ease and peace, a sense of excitement about how my journey will unfold even though I have no idea about if or how I will transition physically, or much of anything else at this point. I guess it helps that I've already started telling people in my life that I am trans and so far everyone's really supportive. I am thinking about getting a FtM support/social group going at my local Pride chapter here at the university. It would be nice to be able to connect with other folks here on campus who identify on the masculine spectrum. I want to get involved in other ways too, but I think that would be a good way to get specific support. I have a lot of MtF friends but our experiences vary quite drastically.

Anyway...hope everyone's doing okay today.

Hey Nike, not weird at all! I know a person who is non-binary masculine. They go by they/them/their pronouns, have an awesome beard, was AFAB (assigned female at birth). There is no one way to be. Sounds like you already have some good understanding about yourself!

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Spondiferous, that sounds really awesome! Yeah I know what you mean, many experiences are quite different between the FtMs vs MtFs. Plus, MtFs are women and we are men - so there's some difference just in the way we think and act quite often also. We need that, but we also need some other male (FtM specificly) bonds as well. Hoping all goes well! Let us know how it goes

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Oh yeah btw lots of people transition when they are older. Some who are even well in their retirement years! Never too late. Also you'd be surprised at how many people didn't "know" until later in life. Like it's always been there, but for some reason the dots didn't connect for some time. But hey, there's no right or wrong way! There's no way that's more "valid" than another. We're all different and have different experiences. Diversity is a law of nature. Or something...

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Rand: thanks very much for the validation. You're right - people transition and/or become aware later in life that they are trans quite often. There isn't a set protocol for it. Thank goodness.

The meeting went great! Looks like I have a new friend! I'm so excited. We seemed to hit it off really well. Not only is it an FtM friend but it is just the first new friend I have made in literally years. There has been so much stuff in my life that took me into isolation and I'm just coming out of it now, with my realization of being trans being a huge catalyst; that's probably why it feels like such a relief right now. There is another guy, also FtM, who may be coming to stay with us for the weekend so he can visit a friend out here. We have already been in communication as he is a friend of my wife's and she alerted him (with my permission) to the fact that I need friendship and support right now from other FtMs. He's a really nice guy, I met him before at one of the trans community Christmas dinners we went to a few years back. It'll be a matter of reconnecting under different circumstances.