[Bark]

Well....

I've been thinking about posting here for about a week now.

I remember when the forum was first created. I was like: cool! But... I don't really fit there do I.... But why is it cool....

I'd look at Women-Focused Support and think: meh.... I'd look at Men-Focused Support and think: cool! But wait, I don't have those parts. So... how is this helpful?

Anyway.

For a while now I've noticed I don't like giving out my sex online. But why... and I kind of like it when people get the wrong one. I don't correct it.

I was thinking this would come out much more coherently....

I guess it's because it's still kind of awkward. I'm only now kind of accepting it. I'd be like: yeah, I'm a girl that doesn't fit into the box of what a girl should be! And now I'm like: am I really a girl? I've been questioning my gender ever since I was a kid. Felt like things would be better if I was born a boy. Once in middle school or earlier I sat down with myself and asked: would you like to be a boy? I guess I'm kind of okay with my body. Not planning on changing anything. But there is definitely a masculine aspect to me. I get all protective around girls if we're out walking and guys are looking. I like joking around with guys, and I feel awkward when they remark on my looks.

Now I guess I'm lucky in that I could actually pass for a guy, at least from a distance. No curves really. And I'll admit that I like the idea of a flat chest, short hair....

As far as telling anyone I know this, haha. This country treats homosexuality as a crime. Although there are some people that, say, cross-dress, but they're openly mocked. I'd love to wear an undershirt and loose buttoned shirt and shorts... but the fact that I have body hair will bring me hell. It already brings me hell. So many people comment on it. My family, friends.... Gender roles here are a lot more restrictive. I've been wondering why I don't shave my moustache. Well... I like it. And now I kind of get why. I kind of like the bits of hair growing where a beard would be. I even have one long hair out of nowhere. :P

I kind of mentioned this to my therapist at my last appointment. I was shy as hell. I asked her if she knew what FtM was, and she did. So I figured she wouldn't judged me. She did offer the word "queer" once, but I didn't look into it. Plus her dress style isn't really feminine either... she's also pushing boundaries. I like her style. The odds that another therapist would understand this, here anyway... I think I lucked out. My psychiatrist has pointed out my moustache even.

Sorry that this is all over the place. It's still kind of hard to talk about. Maybe if I go abroad I can be more myself... I already get enough comments here. But at the same time, I have friends that don't care how I look or dress, as look as I'm okay. So I'm thankful.

Name's Bark, and I guess I'm... genderqueer? Work in progress.

I wonder if I could use "they" online.... I could actually use some pronouns.

[bronzeowl]

Not sure what to say, other than to let you know I read it. It takes some time to figure things out, regarding gender, for us. It sounds like you're starting to. Pronouns are personal. I always prefer he, but accept they, as well. They feels comfortable given that I'm in that awkward place between transitioning and 'not entirely out yet'. Anyway. Welcome to this part of the forum.

[kraken1851]

Hey Bark,

I had to grin a little reading your intro -- I went through the exact same "phases". Lurking on this forum thinking, "I don't belong here, but it's cool", reading on the men's support forum, choosing gender neutral names, identifying as "not a girl" ... Took me a few months to embrace my ftm-ness (this is where I ended up, after trying out the non-binary "label" for a while) .

Welcome here!

[Bark]

Woohoo! I sucked it up and got a pixie cut. I'd been so nervous about getting a short haircut: I'd never had one before and I was worried what people (especially my mom) would think. I had gone to my therapy appointment earlier, in a men's polo which I was hiding under a hoodie because I didn't feel comfortable wearing it in public. But later, in my polo and baggy pants with my short hair, I felt fantastic. I feel more comfortable in my own skin now. I've had such an issue with showering, and it showed when I went to get it cut, but the hairdresser wasn't judgemental. Really, it could have been a massive trigger if he had said any number of things, considering how sensitive I am about my hair and this being the first time I get to choose the haircut I want... but he was amazing. He told me to make sure I wash every other day, one wash being enough when before I'd have minimum three and still feel it wasn't enough.... It's like I've hit two birds with one stone (I love birds, though).

It's funny, people have told me I look more feminine. But now I'm wearing what I want even if it's more masculine in style than it already was, and not feeling so bothered about people's comments. And oh, I'm lucky I have a small bust size, and a sports bra makes me look flat. Whether or not anyone notices, I feel better. It's funny because I hate bras in general, but I love my sports bra even though it's constrictive.

I just wanted to share with people that would understand. I know I'm incredibly lucky I'm not MtF because in this country, it would be hell to dress the way I want to (homosexual behaviour and indecency are crimes). There is an LGBT NGO, though. There's hope.

[kraken1851]

Hey,

I'm glad your feeling so good about your new haircut! Kudos for having the courage to get it .

[Rand.]

Grats on your new haircut!! It sure does feel good to just be yourself, doesn't it? Thank you for sharing here, I hope things keep looking up for you! ^^

[Bark]

I've had at least two people refer to me as he in the past two days. Kind of makes me happy. I'm not going to tell them otherwise. And I'm not even dressed that masculine (t-shirt and sweatpants) and I don't have an angular face. But the gender roles are stricter here so I think some people can't imagine me being biologically female.

I passed with those people even though I was speaking with them. Which feels pretty awesome.

[kraken1851]

Congratulations!!!

[Rand.]

Awesome!!! Rock on!!