Self-Doubt about Gender

Hello all,

I am hoping there are people here who can help me a bit. And I have noticed similar posts to the one I am about to make, so I feel this is a good place to open up. This is my first post though, and I am very much new, so if I am off about where I should be (wouldn't be the first time), please let me know.

I am starting to doubt myself. Well, not really starting--I have been for many years now, but have been able to sort of ignore it. I was born male, and still live as male, but when I was growing up, I used to dream of being a girl. I would go to sleep wishing that when I woke up I would be a girl. I come from a rather conservative background though, and faced enough flak when I came out as bisexual.

I'm sorry if my explanation of my situation is not linear. I am finding this more difficult, even in such an anonymous setting, than I had imagined.

Anyway, as a young boy I had very feminine traits. Very long hair, short stature, and so on, to the point that many mistook me for a girl. As soon as puberty hit, that all changed. I ended up being 6'1", scraggly facial hair like all the men in my family, and built like a football player. I thought my feelings would change too, but they didn't. Not really. I only recognize that now. I managed to repress them for a very long time I think. Maybe. Or maybe my feelings are not what I think they are? This is why I am here. I am very much confused.

Up until recently, I had been able to ignore these thoughts. I'm 31 already, lived my entire life as a guy (yes, a bisexual guy, but very much a man's man so to speak), and I am even married to a wonderful woman. I'm confused then as to why these feelings that I had managed to ignore for so many years are coming at me now like a hurricane.

I am just not sure about myself. Am I transgendered? Or something else? What keeps me confused is that I can go weeks without thinking about it. And there are many things about being a guy that I very much enjoy. But the thoughts always come back. When I was a bit younger and more on my own, I used to cross dress in private and actually pretend I was a woman, something I have not done since getting married. Part of me wonders if I just have a fetish, but it's not really sexual--it can be mingled with sexual urges but not always, not even most of the time, and that is likely due to my very active libido.

I don't know what is "normal" in these situations. I don't want my life to come undone, but I get very depressed when the feelings hit me like this. Sometimes I wonder if it is not that I should have been born female, but that I should have been more genderfluid, something my body just does not allow. I'm not sure if there is even a term to represent someone born very much a man (or woman) but who feels the need to be genderfluid. It's all very confusing.

If anyone here has any advice on the subject, I would greatly appreciate it. I suspect things like this fall upon the individual most of all, but here's hoping for some guidance.

Hello SaphirBlue: Welcome to PsychCentral! PC is a great place to gain support as well as to acquire information related to mental health concerns. There are many caring members here.

I'm an older person... more than twice your age! But I've lived with what you are dealing with all of my life. So it is all very familiar to me. I won't go into allot of detail here. But I will mention that this is my second time here on PC. A few months ago I became disillusioned with the internet in general & closed all of my sites, including PC. Recently, I downloaded Windows 10 & it sort-of revitalized my interest in being on the web. And as I thought about where I wanted to be, I decided it was here on PC. So here I am. Anyway, as a result of this, I have old posts, here in the Transgender Forum, that I posted when I was here before. They are now attributed to: "Anonymous 100305". So, if you're interested in reading about me, you can go back through the Threads, here in the Transgender Forum, & find those old Threads.

Beyond that, I will just mention that I'm always available to correspond, here on PC, via Personal Message, should you wish to do so. Because of my age, I don't have much familiarity with all of the terminology that exists nowadays to identify the various resting places that exist along the gender-identity continuum, e.g. genderfluid, demi-boy, etc. But, in terms of living a life in two genders, I've been there in spades, as the saying goes. Oh, and by the way, that reminds me. There are a couple of books I could recommend. One is: She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan. The other is: Wrapped in Blue by Donna Rose. These books are a bit older, at this point. But they both are biographies by individuals who came to confront their gender identity issues as adults, as you are doing. The third book, which you may already be familiar with is, of course: True Selves by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley. It has traditionally been the "handbook" trans individuals gave to family members & friends to help them understand what being trans is all about.

My very best wishes to you...

Welcome to the transgender forum saphirblue!

To answer one of your questions, yes, questioning your gender is completely normal, and so is doubting those feelings.

Gender is a complicated subject, it's hard to really pin down why we feel the way we do, and why we feel such a strong need to. I know I was so confused when I suddenly felt so out of place in my own skin. I never really had the childhood feeling of wanting to be anything other than a girl (I'm afab). But suddenly when I was 17, I suddenly was hit with a wave of depression at how I looked and how people saw me as a "girl" and it was so weird. Long story short, now I'm a demiguy who is currently on t.

The best way to deal with these feelings is to really think on it and research. Ask yourself questions on how you want others to see you and how you see yourself. Talk to others about your experiences, listen to theirs. Look at other labels, see how pronouns feel to you. It's kind of a journey.

And in the end, the only person who can tell you who you are is you. I hope this was helpful, or at least comforting.