Okay...being like mtf in mind...I see my body as female with male parts.

I mean, my legs are shaven smooth (defur), I wear short shorts, have toe rings and anklets and polish, then I have this penis thing, then bracelets with finger nails and polish...no breasts , then after the neck it gets gross.

At work we have to wear their uniform, but on the weekends, it's like I get to be free to be me...but also realizing that being seen being me can get me fired (for something other than the truth).

This is all so new to me that, my head is reeling as to where I can push it and hold back.

Of course it doesn't help none having the Others run their mouth off.

So, is it like what I see like delusional off of reality, or is it my reality? Kinda confused.

Note: the guys love it. Go figure.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Hello AlwaysChanging,

sounds hard to risc being fired just to be you :/

I don't think you see a delusion, just noticing that what you learned you should look like doesn't match your appereance.
For me being genderqueer was strange at first. It seemed like "breast are female, no breasts are male" - sooooo...? What's left?

What helped me was realising that my body is not female. It is my body and I am not female, so per definition my body is neither (or at least this logic helps me to believe it).
At the same times I also experience gender dysphoria. I miss my beard when I look into the mirror. It's just so odd to not see one!

Maybe it's okay to own your body (and see it as alining to your gender) and still missing things on it (or having to much).
Maybe we should just allow us to define us ourself.

Wish you luck on your journey!

[Skeezyks]

Hello AlwaysChanging2: I don't know as I really have much of anything I can contribute here. But I want to try. I've given up all efforts to assuage that part of my psyche that is / wants to be female. I now see myself as simply a solitary, generic, mostly genderless old person.

After I got out of the hospital the last time, I started seeing a therapist who works with a lot of transgender clients... many of them older (not as old as me for the most part... but older...) She encouraged me to do some things to, I guess you might say, bring out my femininity (?) Of course, I was already familiar with this idea having watched lots of transsexual videos on YouTube & having done quite a bit of reading. (Plus I had cross-dressed in secret for years as well.) But actually starting to do things that people could see was a new experience for me. I started shaving my body hair, wearing (clear) nail polish, & I started growing my hair out... among other things. It felt both freeing &, at the same time, awkward & embarrassing. Sort-of both real & a delusion at the same time, I guess you could say.

Unfortunately, what I found was that each thing I did, just left me wanting to go a step further. Whatever I did was never enough. But I knew there was a definite limit to how far I could go. So, in the end, I just decided to give it all up & just be a generic old person. To some extent, since I almost never go anywhere anyway, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Personally I think you just have to take your transition one step at a time & see where it leads. See what feels comfortable & what perhaps feels like too much, at least at the moment. Try not to worry too much about where it's all going to end up. Maybe you'll ultimately transition completely. Maybe you'll find some comfortable resting place short of full transition. Time will tell. But what you see is, from my perspective, real. It is the reality (at least the temporary reality) of a person trying to live life in two genders.

You know luvs, I am me regardless what my body apoears to be. I can look in the mirror and see a dozen different versions. I am who I portray. I'm totally sexy with a naughty glint in the eye even though I'm like almost a 50 year old body. Most of us are still teens to 20-s.

I am fem with like things....okay...lbut that doesnt matter. ,

Its no delusion. My self image is for real.

I'm me!

[kevin_pc]

100% real and beautiful no matter how you decide to transition or not and why. I transitioned not because I was uncomfortable with my body but because I wanted to be recognized as male by others. All our paths are different and that's great.

Btw, if you look up the website for 'dissociative initiative' under the information tab you'll find a page on multiplicity and transgender that is a non-stigmatizing read

Thank u all...I can't just run out and t like them all. I can only do what I do to survive. As much as it pains me....raising my child rules. A parents suffering sacrifice which I'm good at. It's all good. Plus, I haven't won the Powerball yet. If I did, I'd help yall too!

i'm not delusional like the title says... I am femalion.

Originally Posted by kevin_pc

100% real and beautiful no matter how you decide to transition or not and why. I transitioned not because I was uncomfortable with my body but because I wanted to be recognized as male by others. All our paths are different and that's great.

Btw, if you look up the website for 'dissociative initiative' under the information tab you'll find a page on multiplicity and transgender that is a non-stigmatizing read

I totally get DID just because....but that's them and I'm me, here since birth. So....

I'm just trying to survive as me....locked in the wrong sex zone.

[Darth_Rattus]

I agree with previous posters. If you're a woman, your body is a woman's body. If you say your mind is female, then your body is clearly female as well!

Originally Posted by kevin_pc

100% real and beautiful no matter how you decide to transition or not and why. I transitioned not because I was uncomfortable with my body but because I wanted to be recognized as male by others. All our paths are different and that's great.

Btw, if you look up the website for 'dissociative initiative' under the information tab you'll find a page on multiplicity and transgender that is a non-stigmatizing read

Thank you, I've read it before and I so get it.

[kevin_pc]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Thank you, I've read it before and I so get it.

I liked the webpage. I also appreciated the Guide to Multiplicity that's on the website; as someone who is dissociative, but doesn't have alters or amnesia between parts, it's one of the few things I've read that lets me understand why a specialist says I have Other Specified Dissociative Disorder-1. (I thought everyone experienced the world as I did! LOL) All of my fragments -as well as I can tell- just reflect my gender though. I don't think I have an inner girl-child though I'm FTM.

[Bolivar83]

Thought about your post, AlwaysChanging - it's such a limited system in place that gives either/or options....I see that many things in life don't fit these restrictions. I like to straddle the fence, myself - as someone who idenitifies as androgynous and bisexual, am frequently asked to take a stance on one way the other. I like drifting between the poles, free to define myself, as you do. I think you sound like a beautiful combination of of both genders, uniquely your own.

Originally Posted by kevin_pc

I liked the webpage. I also appreciated the Guide to Multiplicity that's on the website; as someone who is dissociative, but doesn't have alters or amnesia between parts, it's one of the few things I've read that lets me understand why a specialist says I have Other Specified Dissociative Disorder-1. (I thought everyone experienced the world as I did! LOL) All of my fragments -as well as I can tell- just reflect my gender though. I don't think I have an inner girl-child though I'm FTM.

True! I always though that I was normal and everyone else was messed up! Lol.