[xavier.s]

I've been taking hormones, I'm ftm, for the past few months. I've started to doubt what I'm becoming. I don't like being a man, I like looking more masculine though. I hated my chubby cheeks, my feminine features on my face. All the changes have been good kind of. I'm so upset. I don't know what I'm becoming or why. I don't identify with women any more then I identify with men. It's this weird in between place. However, my body dysphoria still exists either way. I think I'm so ugly, I thought if I looked like a man this would go away. It's gone away slightly, but I dont want to keep physically transitioning. It's scary, I dont like being seens as a man, but conversely I do like looking more like one, more masculine. After taking hormones, I got less depressed, but Idk. I just feel so lost and horrible, I can't stop thinking about dying. I'd never do it because of my family but it feels horrible. I've always had doubts about whether this transgender thing was to cover for something more deep or hidden. i just want to find who I am. It's hard, because sometimes I believe I could of been just a lesbian if I tried harder. I sometimes associate myself with gay men to cope with stuff. Also being non-binary just seems like a life of misery. Like i always will have to cope with not being able to be visible in society, and never looking attractive. I hate the idea of being ugly. Maybe I am non-binary. Idk but I wish my life could be less miserable. I had huge thighs, so once I go off T I'll have them again. Those were the worse part of my dysphoria. Should I take a break, try being non-binary. Sometimes I think I just have a mental disorder. Please help.

[Skeezyks]

Hello xavier.s: I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament. Gender identity dysphoria can be so confusing. I don't know if you're seeing a therapist... one who has experience working with people who have gender identity issues. I would think that would be very important. Also, are you familiar with the website: bigender,net? I'm not a member anymore. I was at one time. You might find some additional support & insight there:

Bigender.net Journals

Maybe you're non binary indeed and it's OK to adjust things.

You may like https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/0...re-non-binary/

[Rand.]

A lot of your worries are similarily shared by almost every trans person at some point at least, usually at several points. You are definitely not alone with what you are feeling. Everyone has their own spin on it, but nearly everyone has had it. Not uncommonly it's soon after beginning transitioning medically.

This might not be an issue for you, but another thing to think about is whether you have some transphobia against yourself in some way, or internalized transphobia. Many people can struggle with this and it can make answering those questions more difficult. Again, might not be an issue for you, but throwing it out there since a lot of people can struggle with it.

As far as being non-binary, one person I know who comes to mind transitioned from female, had top surgery and is on T but is non-binary and prefers they/them pronouns. They have a beard that I'm jealous of and overall seems like a pretty cool person. I'm sure they have their downs, but they seem to be doing pretty well. Now, this person prefers to go by neutral pronouns, but there's no rule about what pronouns you should have. They do get misgendered as male a fair bit, but it sounds like they've found a way to deal with it on a personal level. Really, that shouldn't be something they have to do, but unfortunately it's the way things are right now.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is if you feel more comfortable on T there is no reason to go off of it, regardless of what your gender is. They are two seperate things.