[Krow]

When I was rather little, I was rather athletic and exceptionally tomboyish. In fact, prior to my birth, my parents expected me to be born a male. Back when I did dedicate my time to sports, I exhibited a highly aggressive and competitive personality, which ultimately resulted in an aversion for sports later on (since it proved stressful). As I aged, however, I lost interest in sports and preoccupied myself with time on the internet -- MMORPGs in particular. The younger part of my life, gender never really crossed my mind at all, with the exception of my tomboyish personality. However, eventually I began creating predominantly male characters and avatars, and to this date, I virtually never reveal my biological sex while online. Attempting to reveal it to anyone or anywhere with anonymity simply seems so incredibly foreign, as though it is fundamentally defying my personality to state it. Of course in reality, it is rather evident, so there is little use concealing it then.

Within the past few years or so, I have developed an overwhelming desire to change. My entire life, my mother has always expected me to be a "proper woman", yet there is nothing I dread more than being a woman at all, since it feels so incredibly incompatible. I utterly refused to wear makeup (except the few occasions that she requires me to against my own will), and my wardrobe consists of nothing but mere dresses, since we lack the proper funding for new clothing -- it has been years since I have been shopping for clothes, and even then, I can never seem to find any dress pants in the stores we visit. It is sickening, really. I loathe the makeup, the dresses, the long hair, and the absolutely idiotic "girls' night out" events that I have had to attend. For once I simply wish to dress in vests and bowties, not skirts and low-cut tops; to cut my hair slightly shorter without being mocked my my mother and family friends; to speak in a lower pitch; and to not deal with the horrid hygiene problems which arise from my biological sex.

There exists a gridlock of dilemmas, really: I was raised in a conservative household, and while a great deal of my political beliefs do remain quite conservative to this date (economically in particular), my social alignments are primarily libertarian. While my father may prove somewhat accepting of such a revelation, my mother would reject it altogether, even though I have never been fond of identity politics myself. When I was approximately fifteen, I revealed to my mother that I was asexual, but she immediately denounced it without a second thought, even though asexuality is not even contradictory to strict Christian doctrines. She condemns anyone who is transgender, even if they do legitimately suffer from properly-diagnosed gender dysphoria. Furthermore, in addition to the dilemma with my mother, I was pressured into a relationship while in high school with a man. At the time, I merely accepted a relationship (entirely non-sexual and remains that way to this date) to avoid blowing him off, but I simply could not bring myself to reject him, since he suffered from depression at the time (after politely rejecting several other men). However, over the years, he has grown to become a fond friend of mine, yet he views me as much more than a friend, whereas to me, he is simply a best friend. From the moment I began the relationship, I noted that I was both asexual and aromatic, and frankly, the hugging and handholding is driving me over the edge. He has already stated that he intends to propose to me, but I have never desired such an intimate relationship with anyone. Simply rejecting someone in such a manner seems rather inhumane in my eyes, especially after being a dear friend of his for quite some time.

This has been bothering me for some time now, though these thoughts have really escalates over the past several months. I wish I could merely move elsewhere and start over entirely as a man, but until I graduate college in a couple of years, I retain no control over my situation. While I do absolutely respect women, it feels sickening to be one myself -- as though my own body is not even mine. If nothing else, I at least desire to be a man, yet circumstance continues to deny me such a possibility. And as a note, I have never been held back or belittled for my gender as a female; it is simply completely foreign and ill-fitting to me is all.

If there are any typos, or if the writing appears rather informal, then I have not proofread it, since it is well past three AM, and I am typing this from a mobile device. It is certainly more casual than I generally prefer to write, but I doubt I could concentrate more efficiently at this time.

[TheDragon]

Hey Krow,

Sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. Moving out and starting fresh is something that's definitely worth thinking about for the future. Is there any way you can start saving up for that while in school?

It definitely sounds like you're struggling a lot with gender dysphoria. Is there any way you could find a therapist/counselor/etc to speak to? There are a lot of people who specialize in gender dysmorphia/transgender issues nowadays.

Your relationship sounds like it's quite complicated. Does your partner know about your gender dysphoria issues? It sounds to me like you may have to reiterate your asexual and aromantic nature as some people will acknowledge and go along with everything you say at the beginning of a relationship because they like you so much, hoping that you'll one day change to become what they want.

From what I've heard from my friends who struggle with trans and gender dysmorphia issues, family can either be the strongest support or the biggest headache. While it sounds like your father is fairly accepting, your mother sounds problematic in that she's not only unsupportive but critical of the way you are. If you're a lot closer to your father, perhaps you can approach him in confidence about how to navigate around your mother?

Hang in there. I'm wishing you the best.

[Krow]

Originally Posted by TheDragon

Hey Krow,

Sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. Moving out and starting fresh is something that's definitely worth thinking about for the future. Is there any way you can start saving up for that while in school?

It definitely sounds like you're struggling a lot with gender dysphoria. Is there any way you could find a therapist/counselor/etc to speak to? There are a lot of people who specialize in gender dysmorphia/transgender issues nowadays.

Your relationship sounds like it's quite complicated. Does your partner know about your gender dysphoria issues? It sounds to me like you may have to reiterate your asexual and aromantic nature as some people will acknowledge and go along with everything you say at the beginning of a relationship because they like you so much, hoping that you'll one day change to become what they want.

From what I've heard from my friends who struggle with trans and gender dysmorphia issues, family can either be the strongest support or the biggest headache. While it sounds like your father is fairly accepting, your mother sounds problematic in that she's not only unsupportive but critical of the way you are. If you're a lot closer to your father, perhaps you can approach him in confidence about how to navigate around your mother?

Hang in there. I'm wishing you the best.

Actually, I have considered moving to another nation altogether once I graduate, though saving the funds for such a geographical transition would prove rather difficult in the first place. Fortunately, my tuition is largely funded through merit-based scholarships, so I should ultimately graduate without any student loans. Still, such a circumstance may necessitate that I accept a temporary internship or job in which I may gain access to such funds (which fortunately should be simpler in an engineering profession). I have never really spoken to a therapist, as that would entail involvement with my mother into the matter, so that too would require a delay until I am able to live on my own (since I commute from home).

As for mentioning the issue to others, I have never discussed it with another individual before, since I do have a tendency to isolate myself in the first place. Honestly, I am not quite sure how my friend would actually react to such a matter, especially without ever receiving a professional diagnosis. However, I am not fond of engaging in such a close relationship with another individual, even though we have been close friends for several years now. Originally, I wondered myself whether or not my position would change in reference to such relationships, yet after several years, I have not changed one bit. Still, placing someone in the friend-zone after that long, and especially after he has stated that he intends to propose to me -- I am really not sure how to put it. I simply hope that if I eventually transition in the future that this problem shall not arise again.

As for approaching my family, I somewhat doubt that I should tell my mother at all. It may be preferable that I simply move out, transition, and let her know some point later in life. Still, while she does condemn the notion of gender transitioning, she could not stake it on political ideology, since a great deal of my ideas align to the right. It is almost as though the relationship proves a greater hindrance than mere criticisms themselves. Regardless, I appreciate the advise. Perhaps I shall have to improvise within the future, but I am certain that I shall manage a solution eventually.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Krow

I have never really spoken to a therapist, as that would entail involvement with my mother into the matter, so that too would require a delay until I am able to live on my own (since I commute from home).

Most four year universities require student fees for miscellaneous privileges. Many including the university I attended, as well as the universities that my children attended, include counseling at free or extremely reduced cost (i.e. $5/session) for enrolled students. Perhaps this is something you could investigate and would not require your mother's involvement or knowledge.

[Krow]

Originally Posted by yagr

Most four year universities require student fees for miscellaneous privileges. Many including the university I attended, as well as the universities that my children attended, include counseling at free or extremely reduced cost (i.e. $5/session) for enrolled students. Perhaps this is something you could investigate and would not require your mother's involvement or knowledge.

For some reason, expressing myself online in an anonymous environment proves simple enough (or at least feasible). However, discussing anything of significance in person is nothing short of embarrassing and shameful -- it has always been as such. Living in this manner is dreadful, yet I can never seem to bring myself to request assistance. My outlook has not changed in the slightest since, but it is a discussion in which even anonymity provides little relief. I detest gazing into any reflection, merely to be met with something that is so incredibly foreign. While in certain medical circumstances, I have been able to reveal a few problems at hand, but I have never been able to reveal anything psychological.

When I was in approximately eighth grade, my mother brought me to a therapist to determine whether or not my grades had declined due to a mental health issue, but only some of the questions I was ever able to answer truthfully. Still, at the time, my problems were rather limited, though I did still possess some of the same thoughts as I do to this current day. It was the only therapist in which I had ever visited, and it was by my mother's will. And since the dilemma has worsened, even medical professionals have proven unsettling. It has been years since I have last visited a medical doctor for any purpose.

Sometimes, I sincerely wish that I could simply relocate elsewhere across the world. Perhaps then I would actually gain the courage to seek advisement. Really, I am not sure which is worse -- the judgement or the pity.

[Anonymous37919]

Well, I love ladyboys and I know I would have my desktop occupied by nude pictures of them, if I could. I think it's great how in Thailand, this is so widely accepted, and also renowned. However, I don't really like telling a great deal of people that I like transsexuals from there, or that I have had sexual encounters with them. I've admitted to this before, and then I got called derogatory things. It seems whenever I openly reveal things about myself, it is later used against me.

Many people are usually cool with one's sexual orientation, but there's always the odd, immature person that thinks it's wrong to be gay, queer, bisexual, autistic, or whatever. Some guys that like male to female transgender people or so on, may identify as being straight, so why should it matter what 'floats your boat?'

We are who we are; I just think it's better to reveal this kind of personal info, only with people you can truly be open with. Too many morons, are out there today.