Hey guys, thoughts on this ... I seriously wanna get the S*** beat out of me.

It's NOT a self-harm, low self-esteem, or suicidal thing.

It's a macho thing. I'm not very macho, and I don't believe in the kind of "macho" that makes a man a pompous, sexist, arrrogant jerk.

I do believe in the kind of "macho" that makes a man brave enough to face an enemy, or to stand up and do the right thing even if it's hard, or to protect those weaker than him.

I also believe in the "macho" of sports, and toughing out out and competing throught the pain.

I am NOT talking about a street brawl or a fist fight.

I desperately want to have a REAL, serious fight in the boxing ring, with my trainer or with one of the young bucks at the gym who could pummel the S*** out of me.

One good fight, satin trunks, boxer's shoes, bare chested, hot, sweaty, on ultra high alert, adrenalin like I have hardly never known, except perhaps in moments of great fear. Except not just fear, excitement, on guard, tough and quasi-confident.

I want to box without headgear. Straight fight rules. I will wear my mouthgard, I do like having teeth, and spent a lot on restorative dental work last year.

I want a black eye, a bloody nose, and a split lip. I wanna feel the blood drip down my face and onto my chest. I want to get so beaten up I almost have to go to the ER for stitches, but I will tough it out, maybe fix it myself with some superglue, which hurts like Hell.

I wanna go into the office the following Monday in sunglasses and looking like I got the S*** beat out of me. Be quite a sight in a suit and tie.

I wanna go down for the count after 3 or 4 rounds.

I just wanna get ONE good blow in against the other guy. My fantasy is one really solid right hook, which is my best punch. One good punch is all I ask.

If all of that happened, I swear to God I would be happiest guy, floating on Cloud 9, and I would wear every wound as a badge of honor and pride.

I'm not entirely sure where this stems from, there is an element of the ghosts of my PTSD past here, I only stood up to my father ONE time, even though he threatened to beat the crap out of me often, which made me cower in fear.

One fight, all I ask. Then I would be perfectly content to go back to sparring. Or maybe it would satisfy my bloodlust and I would hang up my gloves.

S***, it would make me feel like a real man for the first time in my sorry F******* life.

Rocky. Ali-Fraser. Oscar de la Hoya. Tommy Hearns. I want it bad. ONE TIME.

I kinda get it. Wear a head gear though. Boxers do if it isn't a money/ranked fight. Most boxers wear protection when training/sparring for a fight, right?
You can still get a black eye

Yes, I've been taking lesson every week at a Martial Arts gym with a coach/trainer for almost 2 years.

Since you've outed yourself as a girl ... What is your take on this as a woman? Pure idiocy? Disturbing? Or ok?

Yes, the trainer always makes me wear headgear. I doubt he would let me do this without it - he fights without it when he goes up against the serious boxers in training for actual amateur or semi-pro fights, or the guys who used to be but due to age no longer do. But, as guys like me are known as "lifestyle" clients, we aren't allowed, probably. He had a decent split lip a while back from fighting his best friend. I was jealous.

This actually has a lot to do with the way my transvestite father projected by constantly berating my own sense of masculinity, calling me gay, effeminate, a weakling, a momma's boy.

I guess in that context it makes sense.

I understand how you feel Johnny, ohhhh to just stand up for oneself, regardless of the pain, just ONE damn time! In my own way, I get it.

Partly it's to have life hurt for a REASON, a personal reason, rather than have it hurt for no damn value at all!!!

Nah, my boss knows I take boxing lessons, and I can always tell clients I had an accident, fell off a ladder or something. He would probably find it funny and poke fun at me, he is like that, always good-natured.

Besides, I'm sure it won't come to pass.

I won't lie, OP, I was pretty shocked (gaped mouth in surprise kinda shock xD) to read this post, ... but, sod it, I do get it, and what you later said about your dad certainly makes sense. I think part of me is always looking for a fight.. I mean, FFS, you know what I do lately? I go out when it's dark and walk, alone, at night, (even places out of town, where there are no lights.) with my weighted rucksack for an hour or more, and then I call it "exercise".. maybe part of me wants to be jumped so I can release some of this anger I've had since I was a kid. (touch wood xD)

I've always wanted to take up martial arts. I'm considering looking into kickboxing, but this damn social anxiety makes that so much more scary than needs be. I'm getting more and more into shape, bigger and stronger, so maybe one day it'll be something I can do with SOME level of confidence. Who knows.

Sounds like you're doing pretty "manly" things as it is, dude, so ignore that crazy little voice of manhood. 8) Your dad was clueless.

All boys, I think, want on some level to do manly things, when quite young even. I am old enough to remember when westerns were a major genre on American television - Gunsmoke, Bonanza, a few years later How The West Was Won. And, of course, cop shows, superhero shows no matter how hokey - Batman for one. GI Joe. I played pretend "cowboy" when I was pretty little, as a teenager I got into Sci Fi and watched Kirk be macho and the red shirt guy always bite it at the hands of some alien, so McCoy could say "He's Dead, Jim" right on Cue. And of course, Commander Robinson and sidekick Don were always brave despite being Lost in Space, even little Will Robinson showed bravado, unlike the sniveling coward Dr. Smith.

I wouldnt want to be hit.. ever. but this is coming from someone who gets hit regularly.

in all honesty... I think it's weird that you would want to be in such pain. .I don't mean to sound offensive or rude... it's just not a nice thing to go through.

I'm a quiet person, it's not like I bring it upon myself, and it isn't like I enjoy it or anything. maybe my brother has severe anger issues? I don't know what it is, I just wish it'd stop

hey.. sorry if I sounded offensive. I just hope you never actually get beat up or anything, regardless of whether or not you think you want that. I don't think you realize how painful it can be.... cause in my opinion your father only ever verbally abused you not physically (from my understanding anyway, sorry if I'm incorrect in saying that).

anyway, good luck

You should become a professional wrestler . They write storylines where the hero gets beaten down and then makes a comeback, but he's in such bad shape he should've been in the hospital an hour before that already .