I don't like eating...

I feel stupid for saying this, I hate my looks, I feel I should I stop eating more what I have. I am 161, and mostly muscle. I work out a lot, and I'm planning on eating less. I can't do this. I need my belly the rest of it shrunk. I'm sick, emotionally of the isolation, being a dude sucks royally. You can make it better, it's all comes down to people don't give a **** and rather they rather piss all over you and pretend it's all your fault.

Intimacy is non existent with me. I'm hateful, and I'm sick emotionally.

I'm an isolationist I like being a hermit. I do go out time to time, when I get overwhelmed by hallucinations and delusions from being isolated. It doesn't help much.

I don't want to talk about this and be here.

Why I can't I be a girl and lose weight look pretty and get attention and things given to me popularity all of that? I do have a great personality when I choose to show it in public which I do a lot. People like me, at least I'd like to think when it comes to friends. They don't talk to me they expect me to go to them.

I think I should just get rid of my phone. I need to delete everyone out of my life, my mom dies then I got no one. No one to tell me I'm doing something right. After that, I feel that I don't want to live, **** being a tough dude. I don't care, I'm sick of this ignorant manly or girly ********. I just want someone to care about me. Rather, I don't care about other people more recently, because they don't care back. I don't get appreciated no one gets anything.

I don't care anymore. People just need to go away and pity someone else.

Hi Yis, 161 is not heavy especially if you are working out. What people want is good looks and a good personality and someone that cares. Even just someone that cares is good if you don't have the other two.

I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

I don't pity you, I admire you how you keep your weight under control.

Why I hang out at PC is because I run into people that care and don't judge me just accept me for who I am.

It's like an unusual not really inferiority complex as in it causes problems that other people notice, not one person notices this side of me ever, unless I mentioned I am.

I really hate how I look 100% of the way. It's something I've dealt with all my life, I don't know what else to say about it other than that.

I find other girls liking me uncomfortable, I hide that best I can and it makes anything difficult.

You said a lot of things that you don't want.

You can't pursue a negative very well. If you try, all you're doing is running away. That doesn't lead you anywhere.

Figure out what you DO want. Define it clearly and in great detail. Focus all of that energy on getting it.

You'll quickly find that all of the other stuff - people's opinions, how they look at you, what you think they expect of you - disappears once you've started pursuing what's important to you.

Trust me, I know. When I was in my 20s, I spent 30 hours a week at the gym, took every supplement on the shelf, spent way too much time caring whether or not I was interesting, attractive, desirable, etc. When I finally stopped giving a crap and just set out to get what I wanted out of life, everything got better.

I mean everything.

I tried suicide when I was younger. I used to cut myself. I would get so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I hated myself (and thus, I hated everyone else.) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, mood control disorder, and borderline personality disorder (anti-social PD, I think they call it now) and my therapist told me he was very surprised that I hadn't succeeded in taking my own life by the time I was 18. =| That I lived long enough to become his patient was an accomplishment, I suppose.

All of that disappeared into the ether virtually overnight when I finally stopped caring so much about everything else and turned an inward eye. What do I really want? How do I get it? When you pursue that positive line of thought with all of your being, you have no time or energy left to waste on worrying about other people's opinions.

EDIT: Oh, and I used to have abs and maintain something like 4% body fat. People thought I was an MMA fighter. Now I'm pudgy as hell and still happier than I ever was when I was in shape. I also still get dates with very attractive women (which I used to think was impossible without a perfect body.) I literally lost NOTHING when my six-pack disappeared lol. I had a very unhealthy fixation on my appearance and I'm glad I finally learned that it really doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things. There's a very good chance that your looks aren't a key factor in achieving whatever great thing you decide you're destined for, so try not to worry if those couple of extra pounds won't go away.

I was moved reading this. It captures my current state. My pain recently been too much I'm not held back by fear or guilt. It's how everyday I feel I'm in someone else's way. I used to be a carpet long ago. I felt I wanted and still want individuality and be in the spotlight all the time. Be famous be different being noticed to being different in a positive way which is true with people who know me.

I do music as my passion and I'd enjoy both being successful with it and suffering poor and starving. I love the safety and comfort it brings me. My mother and friends family treat me so fake and I've felt cornered and box to be something bad by one person who doesn't agree with me because of something silly. They blame me for my problems because I'm a victim and I was a rape survivor many times growing up having a very very low body image even after getting all I want because of how I needed love all my life and so it makes success feel sour.

I'm at a point knowing after my mother dies the true loneliness comes in. I won't be able to feel safe with anything with anyone or feel secure. It's overwhelming now because my mom is so unfit and sickly from heart disease stuff I vowed to never get that far with my weight. I hate her and love her and I hate how she blows me off all the time. I felt growing up women who treat me with distance like my mom would be right finding our the true reality of 5 very abusive relationships and my body used as an object for sex.

I still feel my life could be I should get into adult film industry. Ik I'm capable in many aspects but idk what they'd want from me. Why I say things like what they want from me. I lost everything very early on my connection and love for others was turned into years of misunderstandings and loneliness of no one to be there for me at my roughest all my life. These things made try suicide early on in like 7 8 years old.

I got into anorexia by feeling good about controlling something. Instead if being treated like **** in an uncontrollable hell. So I still struggle with it. Unlike or maybe like your situation I'll be at 4 % and I know by the time I get there. I'll be in the hospital from lack of nutrition because I am addicted to losing it all to feeling perfect on a superficial level.