The effect of my dad's example and growing up in an abusive home

Hey guys

OK, so, I don't quite know from which angle to approach this, but let's start off by saying I grew up in what I suppose is an abusive home, or I don't know, it doesn't quite fit the usual mould.

My dad was an alcoholic up until about 7 years ago, when he had a heart attack. Growing up was rough. We weren't all that poor or that, my dad was a good provider, but I think that fuelled his ego. My mom is what I guess one would call a "martyr" of sorts. My dad, to this day, can be quite abusive toward her, but it was worse when he was drinking. It didn't often get physical, but he did sometimes hit and bruise her, but it was about 90% shouting, domination and character assassination usually. My mom again, used to ask me why I didn't defend her, which made me feel really guilty and weak. She also hates my dad, and he knows it, but I don't think he understands why either, so he is extremely frustrated.

My parents hate each other, always have, from as far back as I can remember. I have never seen them kiss, say thank you to each other for anything or even hug. They are like strangers living in one house. They don't support each other, and if my dad gets sick my mom says he is a hypochondriac and seeking attention, even when he was having a heart attack.

I am an only-child, I have autism too. During fighting episodes, I would escape into my room and find comfort in many narrow hobbies I had (being autistic and all). So, I know how to escape, till this day.

So, I guess what I want to know is, does anyone think witnessing all this has had an effect or is the reason why I find it so hard to bond with women? How do I reverse it?

I have vowed to myself that if I get married one day I am going to marry a woman I love with my whole heart and I am going to treat and cherish her like gold. I don't want to abuse her like my dad did. I also want my wife to be free to express herself and not fear reproach or character breakdown simply by saying how she feels.

The issue is, my dad grew up in an abusive household too, and I'm sure he made the same promises to himself too when he was young, yet see how it turned out though. I am so afraid I do the same thing. I am afraid of being a dad myself. I don't know if I am fit to be a dad after everything I have absorbed as a child myself. And, I feel my mom is right though. Yes, OK, I was a little boy, but I didn't defend her. I am weak. My mom's step-brother said it too, he reminds me of the drill-sergeant type. But, I do admit, they have a point. If I were any kind of man, I mean I would have done something, wouldn't I? How can I be a dad and a husband one day?

I have long forgiven my dad, and we are closer now, despite us being very distant when I was a little boy. I don't hold resentment toward him. My only issue is he is a very prideful man. He has never apologized for anything, ever. And, if he heard me say I forgive him he would say I am ungrateful for everything he has done for me. So I think you get the picture.

I have never had a girlfriend, and when I am around women I am painfully quiet. I just listen to them talk and stuff. They ignore me equally. I was in love with one girl, we were alone several times, and I had the opportunity to speak with her, etc. and I couldn't make proper conversation and be charismatic and all that.

I am stupid too. I don't know anything. I am totally uncultured and primitive. Our home had no culture, we never went out, except to other people's house for a cook-out or to the restaurant. My dad thought any kind of culture is stupid. He makes valid points many times, some things in the world are rather stupid and misleading, but you can't cut yourself off from people either.

I don't know what to do now at 26. I know I should've spoken to a school counsellor or something when I was a teen so that I could get help, but I didn't know I needed help. I never saw examples of how other people did life, all I knew is what I saw in my four walls. Now, I fall in love and want a woman in my life and all this stuff is cropping up to ruin it, and it feels like I have no control over it, and it is part of me. I feel like an animal compared to the other human beings.

I felt the same way about fearing my mom's example and when I became pregnant I did NOT want to be the kind of mother she had been. (she was the enabler to my dad)

I grew up in the same home...drinking and some hitting. My dad has never said anything much about those days either. I'm no longer angry with him. I have a very poor relationship with my mom mostly due to her actions and words to my children. They don't want to see her at all...she's grossly inappropriate and they don't much like her.

I see a therapist and try to be the kind of mom I want to be and who I think my daughters need. (they live at home with me and they are both in college)

Good luck to you! It's sometimes hard to realize just how much a parent has influenced us and how much it has damaged us, but there is hope. None of us has to carry that thinking or action into our relationships with adults or our children.

Let us know how it's going...Cat

You're not an animal, you're not stupid or any of that. You were dealt a really terrible hand by your parents and you can bet it affected who you are and how you interact with the world today.

That said, you've got quite a bit of work to do. You certainly need to see a therapist and start working on who you are, learning life skills and setting up plans for yourself. So today, you can resolve to leave all that behind and get control of your life.

You've been through the worst, dig your heels in and the rest will seem easy compared to the past.

Hi guys, thanks for the support and responses

Just really embarrassed today, had to eventually tell my study leader about my whole past. I feel so ashamed of myself and feel so judged and exposed. But, at the same time, I figure now they know and it can only go up from this all time low.

It seem quite possible that PTSD could explain most of what you're experiencing. I would recommend talking with a qualified therapist to figure this out and set some goals for yourself. Best of Luck!

Thanks! I have long suspected this could be a form of PTSD. I guess it manifests differently in people, since I don't really seem to have the character traits that go with that, well, I guess, maybe I do after all, if I read what I wrote above.