[r3b0rn]

Ok, my fiancée who I've been seeing for over 1 year for some ungodly reason. She recently told me I am a narcissist and that she will leave me if I don't seek help. I have never been with someone for more than it takes me to get tired of them, and I'm thoroughly confused on how its lasted this long. I have looked up what NPD is and taken these little online quizzes, and it says I am over 90% likely a person who suffers from NPD. Honestly, I don't understand. I guess that's my problem? I don't understand what it is to relate to people, I don't understand empathy, I don't understand sympathy, and I mean the list goes on. I guess I could say I don't understand people. I want to be alone and at the same time I want to have someone in love with me, and then when they love me I want them to go away? I cant even describe myself because after she told me I am a narcissist I have been analyzing my thoughts and I am a negative cynical cold hearted person.

I apologize for the structure of my post, I have no idea how to use proper grammar! I guess admitting that was a feat in itself lol. I think the problem I am facing here is, how do I face a problem I don't think exists. I personally think this is normal to me, use people for my own means and then discard them. I tell stories so I am the good guy ALWAYS. I tell jokes at the expense of other people. I work the minimal amount to appear I work hard and then ridicule others to pretend like they work less LOL! I am ungrateful to the max and have never been thankful. I do not accept compliments they mean nothing to me.

what the **** do I do!? I feel as if psychologist are incompetent, I have gone before and they bore me greatly. I eventually just tell them what they want to hear so they leave me alone! How do I fix myself so I can understand other people and become successful without being an asshole? how do I accept praise and let it mean what it means!

Explain your childhood, what growing up was like and your family structure.

[r3b0rn]

My father left my mother when I was a baby. She remarried a weak willed man who would do anything for her. She used him to get to where she wanted to be in life and then divorced him on claims he couldn't change. I grew up in a house filled with hostility, I acted out constantly in hopes they would pay attention to me. I had 1 brother and 2 sisters we were all selfish and never got along. I speak to only one sister minimally because she hasn't realized I don't care yet.

At the age of 10 my dad came back into our lives and tried to buy our love. I thought you know that must be love because being punished and scolded all the time wasn't. So, at the age of 12 I moved in with my dad little did I know is my dad only cares about himself and once I lived there spent minimal money on me. He had a girlfriend who I hated because he spent all his time trying to make her happy but neglected me and my half brother. Although my half brother looked up to me I was mean and condescending to him daily. We do not talk as adults, me and my father talk minimally only when I get tired of all the messages and texts do I answer. Same goes for my mother I rather not talk to either of them really.

I feel as if I'm still a child when I think about it I want to grow up and sometimes I reach out to my parents because I want that love and comfort that I've never received. But, it's never there only rejection and excuses I may not talk to them for a year but the conversation with them consists of me not listening while they talk about themselves. I feel I am immature, selfish, negative, condescending, liar, always the good guy, only wrong when it's convenient, freak out when I lose control, use Anybody that gets close to me, and the list goes on I took the quiz and basically maxed it. What's crazy is I feel no remorse for what I've done and only feign guilt when I've been caught.

I would agree with your self diagnose. Not that it actually means anything but you seem spot on. I definitely want to elaborate on your response as it makes sense but will have to do later on. Appreciate the reply and again definitely want to respond in more detail later. I understand your points completely!!!

Originally Posted by r3b0rn

My father left my mother when I was a baby. She remarried a weak willed man who would do anything for her. She used him to get to where she wanted to be in life and then divorced him on claims he couldn't change. I grew up in a house filled with hostility, I acted out constantly in hopes they would pay attention to me. I had 1 brother and 2 sisters we were all selfish and never got along. I speak to only one sister minimally because she hasn't realized I don't care yet.

At the age of 10 my dad came back into our lives and tried to buy our love. I thought you know that must be love because being punished and scolded all the time wasn't. So, at the age of 12 I moved in with my dad little did I know is my dad only cares about himself and once I lived there spent minimal money on me. He had a girlfriend who I hated because he spent all his time trying to make her happy but neglected me and my half brother. Although my half brother looked up to me I was mean and condescending to him daily. We do not talk as adults, me and my father talk minimally only when I get tired of all the messages and texts do I answer. Same goes for my mother I rather not talk to either of them really.

I feel as if I'm still a child when I think about it I want to grow up and sometimes I reach out to my parents because I want that love and comfort that I've never received. But, it's never there only rejection and excuses I may not talk to them for a year but the conversation with them consists of me not listening while they talk about themselves. I feel I am immature, selfish, negative, condescending, liar, always the good guy, only wrong when it's convenient, freak out when I lose control, use Anybody that gets close to me, and the list goes on I took the quiz and basically maxed it. What's crazy is I feel no remorse for what I've done and only feign guilt when I've been caught.

This last paragraph sums it up!!! Do not look for the love from your parents as I did as well only to be let down and build more hate than was needed. You have to accept the facts that they are who they are. They too see their ways as acceptable and normal. I find that distance does work, keep things short and work on you. I have had conversations with my mother since knowing of my own things to try and figure out why. All this led to was more anger and hurt so I have learned to accept that trying to learn from the ones who have caused things are the ones to best stay a safe distance from. We know we have problems, ones that are most likely caused by the ones we want to love us. #^&K that!!!! We speak of not caring, no emotions and so on. The truth is we have masks on the outside AS WELL AS the inside. We have these things that are locked up somewhere in our screwed up minds. You wanting love and comfort from them shows this. Your explanation of being like a child is spot on. Most of us were left to fend for ourselves and this created our stories. To grow up figuring things out for ourselves is NOT NORMAL. Reasons why we continue to do so and why we are so strong willed in our judgement. We had to be as children and like anything else the more practice you have the better it becomes (or should I say worse for the people around us). What benefits us all here as that were not alone. What's even crazier than our minds is the fact that so many of us are wired the same. Before reading any of these forums did you ever believe someone was like you, almost exactly? I never did as I thought I was the most "special" in the world. Turns out our "special" equates to the opposite. Anger, impatience, above all and so on is who we believe to be. We are not better than anyone else. We need to understand that life is who we are and not what we are perceived by others to be. How great would it be to wake up each day and not care what anyone else thinks or see's us as? To live in a world were we do as we like and not try to put on the "mask" of what's needed for that time. I am tired of my thoughts, my mind and it's scenarios. The "I should of done" crap that never ends is really so tiring. In the end we will always be who we are but I do believe we can make a difference to be better for ourselves. There is hope after all!!!!! Hopefully LOL

[r3b0rn]

I honestly believed I could never relate to anyone. I mean as I said before ever since I discovered my true identity I've been telling people and they don't believe me! It becomes annoying they justify some of my behavior and then choose to analyze what they think is a lie. I made an appointment with the therapist and I'm thinking again it's going to be them trying to get me to do stupid journals or whatever they think is clever. By far the most irritating thing is being told you can't be that way and I mean non narcissist can't comprehend.

I've been to the therapist before and I was at least truthful when they asked if ide been happy. I said I didn't understand the question. Ya know then she goes on to tell me it's impossible and to think back lol, lies began.