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#1
Jan 21, 2015, 10:50 AM
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Short history and intro! Molested starting at age 4, again at age 12 to 17 by about 30 different men. When i was 17 I moved to NYC, was in the ultra VIP crowd of the NYC elite, at 20 I modeled and moved to LA, got in with the elite LA Hollywood scene and had fame handed to me on a gold plate, i ate from silver spoons in the Hollywood Hills. Then one night my sister called and told me my mom had a heart attack, So i left LA at 3am one night without telling anyone and I never looked back, to take care of her and continue to defend her from my abusive father. No-one in LA new my last name or what city I was really from. I broke a lot of hearts and left a trail of confused people in my wake. I lead two lives, I was two whole different people, to the point it could have been bigamy. I excel in everything that I do and seem to always find myself in positions of power or privilege. I dated some of the most famous names in Hollywood and some of the richest men in the country. I always walked away in the end, who needs Aston martins and 300.00$ a plate meals?
Now I am in school to be a Social Worker, I want to work with child molesters and children who have been molested. I think it is the right path for me, I have a lot to offer. I am now dating someone who treats me nice, yet I am standoffish when they show affection, i feel like running in the opposite direction, like I always have... I've moved all over North America, I get settled in then I get spooked and I pack up and leave. But I feel like I really like this person I am seeing, then the other day he is watching tv and came across a PBS program about narcissists... Great!! He said that sounds just like me. well, probably because it is? On top of that, I was sitting in my therapist office talking about all the things in my life I have seen, the horrors and tragedies, the monstrosities I was forced into seeing, that there is not a god, there can't be and i might as well be God because I can do a better job then he does. Then not only does she tell me I was desensitized to violence but that not ALL Narcissists and sociopaths hurt people. She also said not all have criminal behavior, but i've watched enough criminal mind shows to know they have been chasing the narcissist and often the sociopath. I grew up in a deeply Italian Catholic family who was no stranger to organized crime and the federal government. My mother tried very hard to keep us kids away from all of that, but I have been been interviewed on several occasions by law enforcement and I always happy and peppy and polite, nice and so on. I don't have one speck other than a driving infraction on my criminal history. I sought help many times witih different therapists and noone believed anything I had to say, I was even labeled a schizophrenic, even though everything I said it true. So at this point I am getting older, I am tired and I kind of want the madness to end, I don't feel at this point in my life like that person is me, or at least I don't want to be that person anymore. I am reinventing myself to be even more happy, more polite, more helpful, more perfect etc... So how do I deal with HIM (My other self?) when he starts to creep in my head, at this point I want to just kill him off and antipsychotic drugs only do that so much. I want to live a normal life, but I know what I am inside. I posted on another forum but it was trolled by a few immature people, so what are any of your thoughts or experiences? anonymous Last edited by darkpurplesecrets; Jan 21, 2015 at 08:26 PM. Reason: added trigger icon.... |
 kaliope
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#2
Jan 21, 2015, 10:55 PM
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Hello Thedevilwearsasmile: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you may want to check out the collection of sub-forums within the Personality Place Forum:
Personality Place - Forums at Psych Central All new members' first 5 posts are reviewed before they become available for viewing by the community. So there may be a delay between the time that you submit your first 5 posts & the point at which they become available for viewing. However, once these initial posts have been reviewed & approved, your posts will become available for viewing as soon as you click the submit button. There are quite a few forums in which you will be able to post. If you have not already done so, be sure to look through the listing in the Forum Index: http://forums.psychcentral.com/ Each forum is listed in the Index along with a brief description of it's purpose. Also, once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved, you will be able to participate in our chat rooms where you'll have the opportunity to correspond with other PC members in real time. These chat rooms are listed on the community calendar showing the dates & times they meet: Forums at Psych Central - Calendar Should you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes... 
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#3
Jan 21, 2015, 10:56 PM
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hi thedevilwearsasmile
i think with this goal that you have in mind, as you work toward it, he will slowly fade away. when you do good, you feel good. when he pops in with the negative thoughts you counteract it with positive thoughts. it will take a lot of self talk but as you change, he will change. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome 
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#4
Jan 23, 2015, 10:54 AM
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Welcome...
Sounds like you're in a good place, as far as knowing what you want, and getting some help. I have some idea of what you mean by "wanting to kill off your other self". Self-loathing is a *****.
__________________
My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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#5
Jan 23, 2015, 11:30 AM
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Welcome to Psych Central, I'm a narcissist too and also antisocial. My pdoc debated if I was purely ASPD for awhile but she's decided that I have both disorders. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you get the support you need. We are a lovely little community here.
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Jan 25, 2015, 06:20 AM
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Jan 25, 2015, 11:01 AM
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Jan 25, 2015, 11:09 AM
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"A new kind of autistic", that's awesome lol. |
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Jan 25, 2015, 11:11 AM
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Jan 25, 2015, 11:19 AM
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Jan 25, 2015, 11:27 AM
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 Atypical_Disaster
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#13
Jan 25, 2015, 03:09 PM
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When all we know is not caring how does one start to care? I had to do an exercise in my therapy of "Who everyone thinks I am" vs "Who I think I am".... So what I came up with is that everyone sees me as the "nice, polite, gentle, caring, helpful, empathetic old Italian lady who wouldn't hurt a fly", but who do I think I am? I think I am evil as F**k, my thoughts and fantasies, some of the things I've done in my life that people don't know about.... I just never cared, i hate to say that but I guess that is what it is. If I thought to much about it I would lose sleep, get paranoid, move around the country constantly changing my address, my face-book, my phone number and so on. I'm tired though, I plan to move again but this time I don't want to feel like I am running from something.
A Psychiatrist tried to tell me I was a schizophrenic, I am not a schizophrenic, that's ridiculous. I've seen Schizophrenics and I am not that, i think my paranoia and anxiety, going a week without eating, a week and a half without sleeping, was because I was driven insane. I am clearly Narcissistic, though I tell everyone I am just confident. Is there such thing as ASP with emotion? I think I have emotion even though my BF says I am emotional-less 80% of the time. I volunteer at a homeless shelter, I give out bus passes to the homeless so they can get around the city, i'm always helping people who need it and in my profession I deal with awful atrocities committed by serious ASPD and people with severe psychotic disorders, I do work that normal people can't do, the things I see would keep the normal person up at night, yet I sleep like a baby. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and since I stopped taking the 16 different medications they gave me I haven't woken up once in a panic, in the middle of the night, from a nightmare or a flash back. I do a lot of good in the world, at least I think I do, but emotions cause me to have panic attacks. I want to give myself 100% to my bf, emotions and everything, I want to feel what he is feeling, to miss him, to want to be with him all the time, etc... But I know from experience that anytime I every let myself feel like that, it all begins to fade and their sleeping with someone else. So I've formulated it to the point that I only act like I care so much and they seem to stick around for longer. I've been just about totally honest with my bf about the things that go on in my head, always followed by a "well, you can make of it whatever you want", ive tried to be totally honest, though this is not totally the case. I haven't cheated and I have no plans to, but I do like to make men online lust over me, want me, etc... then shoot them down and vanish, I get kicks off of it, is that right? We've also talked in depth about threesomes, how my ex and I used to do them and I had no problem doing them, no intent to leave my ex or cheat on him with the threesome person. I can separate sex and relationship. I've explained to my BF that my being with him is not driven by emotion or fears of abandonment, that I made a choice to be with him and start something with him. I told him that I am not running around paranoid, 'i'm not walking on egg shells that he is cheating or lying or anything and that if he does it and I find out, I will do what I always do and drop him and walk away and he will never hear from me again. I guess that's all for now thanks for reading
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