constant mental chatter

hello everyone
a few days back i posted a query regarding my strained relationship with my dad who has npd
now the problem is that my conversations are all about criticising my dad (which i believe is justified) regardless of the person i am talking to....
so that is the only thing i talk about.................
that is the only thing i think about...................
i imagine situations in which if he tells me this..... i will answer him back
.....i will tell him to go mind his own business
and that i am leaving (the hospital that he owns and in which i am employed in)

but when i actually face him..................i suddenly start doubting myself.......
it is a very weird situation
i just cant stop thinking about my father or the possible harm he can do to me
this constant mental chatter is killing me
i have tried meditation, xanax, propranolol
but at least the drugs just exacerbate it ...........
please tell me a way out

I recommend you see a therapist...I think you'd greatly benefit from therapy. Take care.

I second rainyday107's suggestion about seeing a therapist. It sounds like you really need some outside help here. There's only so much a person can handle on their own, and medications even when they do work only go so far.

I wish you all the best.

hello Atypical_Disaster and rainyday107
thanks for finding the time to reply
have fixed an appointment with a psychiatrist
lets see how it works

I have experienced what you've described only it's usually been when I'v broken up with a boyfriend. I begin obsessing in my mind of what I could do or say. Fortunately, it has gone away and I'm now in my late 60s so romantic relationships aren't something I think about these days.

Examining both your and my own behavior it seems like a reaction to rejection and the hurt that causes. With a relationship, you can walk away and then get over it. (Interestingly, one of my ex's whom I felt the worst and longest about has once again become a friend after 43 years. How about that? But I'm no longer in love with him which sure helps!) In your case, it's far harder with a father whom you feel belittles, excoriates, or just plain doesn't care about you the way you want him to.

But even if that is the problem, the question is what to do about it. I agree with the others that therapy sounds like a good solution to help you make sense of the situation and develop some strategies to deal with your father. But try to keep in mind that as someone w/ NPD, he is sick and therefore, unable to give you what you'd like to have or need. It's sad but it's also manageable. You just need to learn ways to do that.

Let us know how it went.

Are you a certified therapist ,just asking?