Question from Non, if OK

My Mother recently died. She had a PD that could have been covert-NPD, I think.

My question is this, are there certain family members who you can tolerate when they call you on your "behavior"?

Yes, though that wasn't always the case and it took time.

I can see that. I was able to call her, but she disagreed with me. It can be a matter of opinion almost. Emotional abuse.

A lot of the process for me was learning what is generally considered abusive. I didn't have a great childhood and I really didn't know that a lot of the behavior adults took part in around me was abusive. I thought it was normal. It was and still is a steep learning curve for me but I'm doing my best.

I'm a non, too, but may have issues of (mostly) covert narcissism. I adopted the others' criticism as my own and numbed out my own sense of my own perspective. Not a very good way, either. May help explain what drove your mother, possibly? It wasn't really "you" and "your" behavior she was talking about, it was an external standard that she had been held to in her life, too (that's the covert narcissism factor?). "It was the way things used to be." People didn't complain about it so much because, then, it was "normal".

Doesn't change the effect on you -- that's progress, probably, over numbing out.

I do agree that as a society in "todays" world we are more sensitive to what is "abuse".

The obvious example is spanking. Totally OK growing up.Now looked down upon and seen as very abusive, if not for the pain, but for the psychological damage.

My Mother was raised in the "old world" way with a European father. My dad is totally European. They always said I was overly sensitive.

It is difficult for me to weed out if my father's "concern" is genuine or simply an expression to save face on his public image. I feel like I don't know him anymore. Now that the blinders are off, regarding his personality, how do I decide to receive his statements and opinions? He is 75 and I am 51. He needs to be needed and our mother always enforced his decisions and opinions as being top priority. We never had a voice. How do I develop a voice so late in life?

Baby steps. Say "No" to him. It may be a whisper at first, but it will get louder the more you do it. Finally, you may even yell. "NO".

That is what I have done to my parent's all my life and it continues to this day.

You know your truth if you look inside yourself. You have to get over acting in a way towards him that may seem foreign or impolite.