[amdorsch]

I really need some help. IDK if this is a form of OCD or not but here it goes. I cant stop lying and its tearing my home apart. I had a very lonely childhood being the smart fat girl in a small private school and kids can be cruel. But Im not here to play the poor me card I have learned from that experience and moved on with my life. The only reason why I even brought it up is that when no one payed attention to me I lied and overexaggerated everything even small non important things. People would finally pay attention to me and it snowballed. I have been living in a lie since I was 8 yrs old. I have tried to stop time and time again thinking before i say anything. Not drinking (which only makes it way worse). Not being around anyone so I wouldn't lie cause there would be no one to impress. But I hate my life and what's its become. I don't know how to stop. And now the only man in my life for the past 5 years says he cant trust me and I have this "inherent flaw" that is driving us apart. Is it an inherent flaw...I don't think so. I know it's not. But I can't seem to stop lying. It is not necessary to try to impress him but I feel like if I don't have anything interesting to say he will leave. Help please. I don't know how to make it stop because that is the only way I can save this. I know I have a problem I can finally see that after all these years but I don't know how to stop.

[ConfusionCraze]

Just..stop.

I got rid of a friend because she was a compulsive liar and honestly, she was a freaking joke. She wasn't "interesting" and people just played along with her and would pretend to believe her and care and they started talking behind her back because it got so ridiculous. Now her only friend is her "boyfriend" because she has sex with him almost every night and takes care of his kids while he's at work. Other than that they have nothing because she's so fake.

Stop making things up. Stop lying and find something you CAN talk about without lying. Stop trying to think of things to say. He's on the verge of leaving now isn't he and you have "interesting" things to say... So that blows that theory out of the water. Relax and eventually it should come naturally. This post wasn't a lie right? So start there. Bite your tongue or press the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth while you think of something to say. That might help you to not spit any new lies out.

[jexa]

amdorsch,I know this is hard because you've gotten into a pattern. It's not as easy as just stop, bite your tongue. But why don't you try to change little by little? This is my suggestion for how to do that:

Start becoming aware of just how often you are lying. Maybe you could make a tally chart and mark on it every time you tell a lie. Don't go on to the next step yet. Do this for about a week and really keep up with it.

Then, start noticing when it is that you lie. Are you more likely to lie to certain people? In certain places? This will give you a good idea of when to watch for it. Do this for about a week, and continue to tally your lying.

Start replacing your lying with something else. Now that you've charted your lying for two weeks, you're starting to notice it as it happens. This is important because as you're more aware of your lying, you can stop it in its tracks. Maybe when you get the urge to lie, think of a compliment for the other person instead. Make it so that every time you feel that urge, you replace it with something positive. It could be a comment on the weather if you wanted, but I find thinking of compliments to be helpful (I don't compulsively lie, but I do have "need to tell" OCD which I'm trying to stop)

Keep practicing.

This takes practice. This is not easy. Get some support on this. Tell your friends you are working on your lying. Start correcting your lies -- after you tell a lie, and realize you did, try not to let embarrassment stop you -- tell them, "Oh, that was a lie -- I'm sorry!"

They will be glad you're admitting this. They will be glad you're trying.

A therapist might be able to help you, but only if you really want to change. It sounds like you are motivated to change, which says a lot! Many people who compulsively lie would NEVER admit they had a problem!

[amdorsch]

Thank you so much for your advice ti is really helpful. I started a journal where I write down every lie told and the situation it occurs in. I am biting my tongue more and making sure that if I want to say something no matter how small I think about it first. Do you have any advice for people not beliving you when your telling the truth through and through. My boyfriend just says he can't trust me and he doesn't see any progress. But I know each day is a baby step forward and that I am getting somewhere although I know its not fast. Just be patient?

What is need to know OCD?

Originally Posted by jexa

amdorsch,I know this is hard because you've gotten into a pattern. It's not as easy as just stop, bite your tongue. But why don't you try to change little by little? This is my suggestion for how to do that:

Start becoming aware of just how often you are lying. Maybe you could make a tally chart and mark on it every time you tell a lie. Don't go on to the next step yet. Do this for about a week and really keep up with it.

Then, start noticing when it is that you lie. Are you more likely to lie to certain people? In certain places? This will give you a good idea of when to watch for it. Do this for about a week, and continue to tally your lying.

Start replacing your lying with something else. Now that you've charted your lying for two weeks, you're starting to notice it as it happens. This is important because as you're more aware of your lying, you can stop it in its tracks. Maybe when you get the urge to lie, think of a compliment for the other person instead. Make it so that every time you feel that urge, you replace it with something positive. It could be a comment on the weather if you wanted, but I find thinking of compliments to be helpful (I don't compulsively lie, but I do have "need to tell" OCD which I'm trying to stop)

Keep practicing.

This takes practice. This is not easy. Get some support on this. Tell your friends you are working on your lying. Start correcting your lies -- after you tell a lie, and realize you did, try not to let embarrassment stop you -- tell them, "Oh, that was a lie -- I'm sorry!"

They will be glad you're admitting this. They will be glad you're trying.

A therapist might be able to help you, but only if you really want to change. It sounds like you are motivated to change, which says a lot! Many people who compulsively lie would NEVER admit they had a problem!

[jexa]

Yeah, it sucks that people don't believe you! It's going to take them time. I guess when someone doesn't believe you, you could say something like, "I understand that you don't believe me because I've been dishonest in the past. I swear I'm really telling the truth this time, but if you don't believe me, I understand why."

Remember, the most important thing is that you keep practicing and keep up your motivation! This will not go away overnight. Give yourself rewards for good behavior! Come up with some things to do for yourself for going a day without lying!

"Need to tell" OCD sucks... basically I will get these thoughts stuck in my head that are pretty ridiculous and then I can't stop talking about them, which gets on everyone's nerves. If I don't talk about them, though, anxiety shoots through the roof... Ughhh.

[amdorsch]

Wow you really know exactly what to say! That type of OCD really does sound cumbersome...how long have you been working through it? I wanted to thank you so much for your advice, it really means a lot that someone takes me seriously and can offer advice other then "suck it up bite your tongue." I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. If you ever need to talk about anything you always have a friend on here!

Originally Posted by jexa

Yeah, it sucks that people don't believe you! It's going to take them time. I guess when someone doesn't believe you, you could say something like, "I understand that you don't believe me because I've been dishonest in the past. I swear I'm really telling the truth this time, but if you don't believe me, I understand why."

Remember, the most important thing is that you keep practicing and keep up your motivation! This will not go away overnight. Give yourself rewards for good behavior! Come up with some things to do for yourself for going a day without lying!

"Need to tell" OCD sucks... basically I will get these thoughts stuck in my head that are pretty ridiculous and then I can't stop talking about them, which gets on everyone's nerves. If I don't talk about them, though, anxiety shoots through the roof... Ughhh.

[Junerain]

I feel for you, deeply...I can relate here..

How have the last few days been? Better?

Thinking of you and sending hugs

[jexa]

Originally Posted by amdorsch

Wow you really know exactly what to say! That type of OCD really does sound cumbersome...how long have you been working through it? I wanted to thank you so much for your advice, it really means a lot that someone takes me seriously and can offer advice other then "suck it up bite your tongue." I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. If you ever need to talk about anything you always have a friend on here!

Thanks amdorsch! I'm glad I could help.

I've been in therapy for about 5 1/2 months.. I'm working on more than OCD, though, so my progress has been somewhat slow as I move from one issue to another. But things are getting better! It just takes time.

You know, I was thinking about this some more the other day and I think your lying has something to do with a lack of clear identity. You say you feel like you don't have anything interesting to say if you don't lie. Well, trying not to lie and tracking it and rewarding good behavior will work to help you change, but won't give you interesting things to talk about. I'm working on my sense of self to help me feel more comfortable around people and having conversations. I think you need to work on your sense of self, too.. is that right? Are you doing interesting things? Are you living the life you want to live? Are you living up to your values? Do you know what you value?

My therapist is helping me define some of these things for myself. A therapist might help you, too. If you can't afford therapy, there's this great self-help book called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life." It is really fantastic and some of the chapters really help you define what you want out of life.. It's based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is my therapist's style and works really well for me.

Just a suggestion... hope this helps!

[amdorsch]

You are so sweet! Thank you. I have been doing better. Exhausted by watching myself and biting my tongue and trying to work things out with my beau. But I feel good about myself now that I have made the decision to change and progress in a positive direction. Other people including my beau see it. And I find that I can smile and have fun and be interesting but people seem to like me a bit more. Well maybe respect would be a better word. Life is seeming to straighten out a little bit at a time. Its going much better thank you so much. How are things going with you?

Originally Posted by Junerain

I feel for you, deeply...I can relate here..

How have the last few days been? Better?

Thinking of you and sending hugs

[amdorsch]

You definitely know your stuff! I so glad things are getting better for you. You seem like such a good person and you deserve for things to be great and better is a wonderful step towards that! I definitely know who I am but I am not living up to my potential. I want to be doing so much more with my life and I don't know how I got stuck in this rut. But I am going to make a change a big one. I am going to move either with my beau or with my parents. I am gonna use my college degree for something and start teaching. I know that once I can get out of this negative atmosphere and be happy with my life and keep working hard for my personal therapy I will probably stop lying and I won't have to try as much to impress others because I would impress myself....does that make any sense or did I just ramble for an incredible amount of time? lol. I was thinking about these things before but hearing you say the my sense of self could be making this habit worse I definitely agree! I don't know if this change is the perfect thing for me but change is definitely what I need since I am changing personally. I could start all over in a new place with new people with a new career and without lying...
thank you so much for all of the advice. I am going to look into that book! What do you think about all of this...i feel like its the right path i just feel it. I would like an outside opinion if you dont mind.

Originally Posted by jexa

Thanks amdorsch! I'm glad I could help.

I've been in therapy for about 5 1/2 months.. I'm working on more than OCD, though, so my progress has been somewhat slow as I move from one issue to another. But things are getting better! It just takes time.

You know, I was thinking about this some more the other day and I think your lying has something to do with a lack of clear identity. You say you feel like you don't have anything interesting to say if you don't lie. Well, trying not to lie and tracking it and rewarding good behavior will work to help you change, but won't give you interesting things to talk about. I'm working on my sense of self to help me feel more comfortable around people and having conversations. I think you need to work on your sense of self, too.. is that right? Are you doing interesting things? Are you living the life you want to live? Are you living up to your values? Do you know what you value?

My therapist is helping me define some of these things for myself. A therapist might help you, too. If you can't afford therapy, there's this great self-help book called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life." It is really fantastic and some of the chapters really help you define what you want out of life.. It's based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is my therapist's style and works really well for me.

Just a suggestion... hope this helps!