Hello Community.

I come here with no where else to turn. I have seen many therapists and not much has helped. Perhaps someone could shed some light on this for me.

OCD started when I was 15. I am now 23. My main fear (consequence) following an obsession is this: spontaneous ejaculation. Allow me to elaborate.

Most sufferers of OCD have issues with "if i don't do/do this, *blank* will happen." We all know this, but I have always felt mine is different. When I was 15 I was playing guitar and had a mental fart..."What if I came while playing guitar?" Now, most people would probably ignore it or even laugh, but it really bothered me. It has since damaged my love for music over the years, constantly fearing that I will ejaculate while playing guitar or even listening to music. The worry grew into physical groin sensations. Not arousal really (which confused my therapists), but more of an uncomfortable tingle I suppose. As if I didn't need an erection, it was just going to come out.

At 23 it has come and gone with varying degrees of severity. I attribute this to varying levels of anxiety in my life. However, it really infects literally everything I do now. It was music, now it's at work, my other hobbies, EVERYTHING. What doesn't help is that I am a binge-drinking alcoholic and I used to cover it up that way. I can not longer do that as I have decided to get sober because I knew the consequences were too great if I didn't.

As I type this, I have 4 months sober with the help of AA. I can't block these feelings out with alcohol anymore, but want SO bad just to enjoy the basic things in life. Music, movies, art, etc... without these intrusive thoughts about ejaculating. It's like sex merged with the rest of life and it's one big ball of confusion and frustration. (No history of sexual abuse btw)

My OCD has manifested itself in many other ways, but I wanted to post the issue that most affects me in my day-to-day life. I also want to thank anyone who reads this in advance for taking the time to care. Please help me in anyway you can, thanks.

[malfeasance]

I am surprised that your therapist's were surprised by your sensations. I would expect that many OCD'rs have a similar experience, though in a different way, or location. For instance, if I think my hands have been contaminated, I experience a sensation on the skin of my hands until I wash them. My mind will be obsessed with the surface of my hands until they're clean, and they tingle.

OCD, to me, manifests in a person having the ability (for better or worse!) to focus their mind like a magnifying glass on something, very minutely, whatever the object is, and hold it there. It gets locked in. And, the more that pattern is practiced, the more it is ingrained and expands, elaborates itself. It's like a whole mental reality is created by that focusing in and keeping focused in.

Does this make sense? Is it similar?

I am also recovering from alcohol and drug abuse, for many years. It is possible! One of the things that helped me with that was the fellowship of AA. I had to replace the people and places I spent my time with. Good luck with that.

[Metrointhewoods]

I have bipolar with OCSD. I have a terrible fascination...no, obsession is the word, with numbers. Everything from the radio volume to number on paper must be rounded, even, and preferably ending in zero. I am obsessed with symmetry and have compulsions to quadruple check locks and clicking the remote lock on my car.

I've been like this all of my life (28 now). It finally to a breaking point one day as I was pumping gas a little over 3 years ago. As usual, it had to be rounded to zero. I insisted on rounding from $37 something to $40 (what a great number!). My tank couldn't take that much more gas...it came back out on my shoes, my clothes, and my skin. I was a walking firebomb...that's when I pushed my pdoc for help.

[Lostthedream]

Sorry I don't have the answer... But I thought I would post to say I think you are describing normal OCD. You say that most people have a compulsion to do something to stop 'something' happening eg washing hands otherwise you'll die of germs. Yours sounds the same but it's an absence if something. Ie I must stop playing the guitar or I will ejaculate... For you it's stopping the action which in itself is still an action. Unfortunately I suppose because many things can trigger your action (or non action) it must affect you a great deal. I know the answer lies in believing that you/your mind/brain controls your body and not the other way round. I'm sorry to say I don't know how to get that belief. I had a problem where I couldn't swallow. Food drink or anything I had to cut into tiny pieces and I believed vehemently that I did not have control of my throat. And because I believed it it was true. The flap at the back of my mouth would not close so food would always go down the wrong hole and as a self fulfilling prophesy I choked often further increasing my fear. And I knew it was mental as when I got drunk I was fine... In fact I could only eat anything when I was hammered. And panic attacks are the same... You believe you can't breathe unless you get out where you are. Your situation almost sounds like a panic attack albeit unusually manifested. Try and figure out how to control your brain. Meditation? You can listen to brain entraining binaural beats (that's what I'm trying at the mo dunno if it works but hey) or nlp? The thing with therapy is they try to figure out what the reasons are behind a behaviour but I really believe some behaviours come from nowhere. For yours it was just a childish thought that grew and became an obsession and trying to find the root of it might not be the only way to conquer it. You've shown you have massive strength by quitting drink so you just need to figure out a way to believe in your control over your body. Have you ever tried not stopping and carrying on ie playing the guitar? If so what happens? If not you should try it. Best case scenario nothing happens and you realise you DO have control. Worst case scenario you change your pants.
Ps sorry for the essay... I've never replied to a post before :/
(If I don't spellcheck I'm one step closer)

[dessas]

thx for this.
it can be hard.

i find that paying lots of attention to the here and now..everytime, all the time. starting with just as much as i could manage from minutes to tens of minutes and so on... whereever and what ever now is. helps. it keeps my attention and focus.

and relaxation

and for the action. i might start it. then my head yells out 'you dont want to do this.' 'stop' and i jump up across the room. do a sudden big movement.

or i change the action to a nice soothing action. sooth me. that is what my body wants. it wants contact. it wants soothing. just the message got wrong on the way throuhg, during transmission.

just my thoughts.