Still searching for answers

I've been on an insane rollercoaster ride for nearly a year now, thinking about the possibility of a number of mental conditions, but none were right, but I still feel like something is off. A number of people here, as well as the one therapist I actually did go to, all mentioned OCD to me, so I figured to look it up more.

I apologize now if this ends up being long.

I'm wondering if my behaviors are indicative of OCD.

• When younger, and still occassionally now, I would get nervous or hyper when something was going on, so I would do something along with that (bad wording). An example, to better describe this kind of action, would be I would run to the car before my mom stepped out of the front door so I could win some imaginary race, or else I would lose and I didn't want to lose. It would feel like an impulse. I still experience things related to that, such as sitting in my desk chair quick before someone walks through the door, now.
• Sometimes, and still a bit now, I would have to do a specific thing in relation to something else that was happening, such as put something down or arrange something, or finish something, before a commercial or show on tv ended.
• I've had specific bedtime rules for a while now, though they changed over the years. When I was younger I was only allowed to fall asleep facing the wall before midnight came (I was afraid the Grim Reaper would come and kill me if I fell asleep in that direction between midnight and 4 a.m.). After this bedtime phase, I started to get a specific bedtime routine. After returning from the bathroom I would set up my bed, put on my night clothes, walk over to the door (lightswitch was next to the door), I would push the door repeatedly until I was certain it was closed and wouldn't open, then I would hit the wind chime over my mirror, turn off the light, and jump quickly into the bed before the chime stopped chiming (if I didn't make it in time, I was afraid someone might come out from under the bed and grab my legs). Right now while in a college dorm room, I always fix my bed first, then go to the bathroom if I have to, come back, brush my teeth, then get dressed, jump into my bed then turn off the lights.
• I always get dressed the same way. For night clothes I always take off my tops first, then I put on my nightgown, then I remove my jeans. For day clothes I always put on my jeans first, then I take off the nightgown, and then I put my tops on.
• I hate major disturbances in things I'm used to happening a different way. An example would be my roommate remaining in the room during a time that she's usually out (I sort of got really angry and frustrated/irritated with this)
• I sometimes feel like being mean to everyone, and it can be hard to control, but I manage to.
• I have uncontrolled thoughts sometimes, like I think people are reading my mind when I go past them, so I create static in my head. I also sometimes think about horrible ways I could be murdered, such as a drive by shooting, a military bomb attack, being taken when walking home, and fires (a couple nights ago I was worried about a fire starting in my room when I was asleep, it was so bad I continually checked my cords to make sure they weren't near a liquid or something flammable, which wasn't really possible, I eventually had to force myself to lie down and calm down).

And to avoid lengthening this any further I'll stop there, if you have questions, just ask.
Please note, I may have unintentionally left out something important, but I didn't want to ramble on any longer.

Do these behaviors sound like OCD or OCD related?

I'm just beginning to explore the possibility of my having OCD, too.

I just thought it was interesting that you used to have little races with yourself as a kid. I had that too.

When I went to the restroom, I had to hurry and wash my hands before the toilet stopped flushing. I don't know why, but I did. And I took it pretty seriously.

The checking and rechecking things sounds really familiar, as well as the thinking of ways you could die.

Since, I've just begun exploring OCD, I can't say really for sure whether these are definitely OCD traits, but I can say things like that are why I'm wondering about myself having it.

yeah, I really would feel compelled to act on those actions regarding the races with myself, and I would take it seriously, as mentioned, I would feel like something could happen if I didn't complete these races in time. The running to the car thing was only one example.

As for the checking and rechecking, i do that a lot until I feel certain that what I saw was correct and I don't have to worry about it (such as rechecking the cords, constantly checking the time for certain events, or checking locations over and over again, even though I know this already).

I also get anxious if I don't succeed in doing what i feel like i have to do to calm myself. Yesterday I got really anxious because i only looked at the "class is canceled" sign once. I was worried that i read it wrong and that i was going to miss something even though I was certain it said class was canceled. Sometimes I look around my room and get really frustrated with how things look, and until I go and straighten things exactly the way it needs to be, I can get annoyed with the look (I did this last night).

In order to deal with some things, I listen to a lot of music, or play my piano, or tap out a rhythm with my feet (mostly done when I'm anxious or bored, or annoyed with something).

I don't know if any of this is related to OCD, or anything i do is really related to it, but I do think these are odd behaviors, but I can't control them, sometimes they're overwhelming until I act on them to calm myself down. I've looked at many other things, but they'll all been canceled out as not likely, so I'm now looking at this to explain my odd behaviors and thoughts.

I keep taking the test (not one after another of course) and the scores keep coming out between 18 and 22. The one that said 18 is one I took in November before I thought anything of it (I was really just having fun with the quizzes around that time, but still being truthful on them).

So does this, and any of the behaviours listed above, indicate something? The behaviours listed above aren't all of them, they're just some of the bigger, more apparent ones (instead of the smaller actions).

If you have questions you can ask me.

AniveCsebure ...

As someone who has had to deal with OCD for well over 28 years, I can relate to your anxiety about the various obsessions and compulsions that you are experiencing or compelled to perform.

Sounds to me like a clear cut case of OCD, however, your following statement ...

"I have uncontrolled thoughts sometimes, like I think people are reading my mind when I go past them, so I create static in my head."

... is somewhat of a concern for me in that it has an element of paranoid schizophrenia to it.

Maybe it isn't the case with you (i.e. that have schizophrenia), although I would STRONGLY recommend that you seek out the assistance of a psychiatrist, in that, you cannot diagnose yourself.

A psychiatrist will listen to your present concerns and provide feedback along with a treatment plan for you (either via SSRI medications which are used to combat OCD - Prozac, Zoloft, etc.) or via what is known as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) by which the patient is slowly exposed to said fears in order to curb their OCD.

The majority of the time, the medications tend to do the trick. You'll never know for yourself unless you try. Since you mentioned that you are currently in college, I strongly suggest that you make use of the campus' mental health clinic. They will be able to direct you to whomever is on their staff in order to field your questions and concerns and provide you with information related to OCD (via pamphlets, suggested reading materials, websites, etc.).

But once again, I cannot stress how imperative it is for you to seek out the assistance of a doctor to help diagnose / ascertain what you condition may or may not be. Self diagnosis can only go so far, however, it doesn't allow you to obtain prescriptions for meds that may ameliorate / assuage your obsessions and compulsions.

Some links for you to help get you on your way to finding treatment:

__________

01. Peace Of Mind - founded by OCD sufferer Elizabeth McIngvale:

http://www.peaceofmind.com/

__________

02. Video of Elizabeth McIngvale describing her own struggle with OCD (be sure to check out the related OCD videos on the right side of the page as well):

__________

03. The International OCD Foundation (Main Page):

http://www.ocfoundation.org/

__________

04. The International OCD Foundation (Suggested Books / Reading Materials):

http://www.ocfoundation.org/Books.aspx

__________

05. Wikipedia's entry on "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cogniti...vioral_therapy

__________


OK then, I am gonna scoot here. Let me know if you have any further questions or concerns and I'll attempt to help you with them.

Take care,

vertebrae

Thank you so much for responding vertebrae

Yeah, I may be reaching the breaking point where I decide to go see a therapist again, I haven't seen one since last semester, and I only went once (and even there he pointed out that I seem more OCD than I thought, but that was his observation of my constant straightening up of papers). I know it will be beneficial, just have to get over the fear of appearing fake or having the therapist tell me nothing is wrong (when I still think something is off).

As for that quote mentioned, that doesn't happen all of the time (since I'm usually listening to music when I'm around people, and I work hard to remain calm), but I understand your concern.

I'll definitely look at the links you gave me, in hopes that I can find enough relevant information and courage to actually get up and go see a therapist as soon as possible. Maybe the fact that a couple people here, and the only therapist I went to, actually mentioned OCD to me without me saying anything about it may be a sign that something is up, as well as the behaviors I have (those listed were the most apparent, but there are also smaller things that don't do much harm, such as not allowing a piece of toilet paper to hang off the roll, or letting the toilet paper to be uneven at the end, those just bug me).

Here's to hoping I find what I need to build up the courage to go see a therapist again, even if it's just to talk about what's going on in my head.

Thank you again for your reply, I really appreciate it

Best to you

http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adul...ompulsions.htm

These can apply to me, to an extent. For Checkers, I think some occurrences can be ritualistic, but not all, and it's not enough to effect everything in life (I'll often multi-task the checking with doing something else, like checking that my backpack is closed a few times while I'm walking). However, the fact that there could be an irrational fear of harm does happen (like a fire starting if I don't check the cords when I'm feeling anxious about it, or missing something extremely important on a sign or in an email if I don't check a few times and become certain). As for Obsessionals, I don't have things I do or say, or think, in response to the thoughts, I usually let them run their course, or I try to calm my mind down when it thinks these things.

Checkers: Checkers feel compelled to check objects such as door locks and “off” settings on household appliances. They live with an excessive, irrational fear that harm will be brought to themselves or others because of a failure to check and recheck things. They often visualize horrific catastrophes in which they are to blame for a lack of responsibility. Checkers often develop elaborate checking rituals that make it difficult for them complete daily tasks.

Obsessionals: Obsessionals experience unwanted, intrusive and horrific thoughts and images of causing harm to others. Many Obsessionals engage in repetitive thoughts such as praying, counting, or repeating certain words, in order to counteract their disturbing thoughts.

AniveCsebure ...

For a little bit more of an in depth "roll call" of sorts with regard to just a smidgeon of the various Obsessions and Compulsions that can manifest themselves as part of the OCD condition, please review the link below:

http://www.ocfoundation.org/O_C.aspx


Common Obsessions in OCD:


01. Contamination

• Body fluids (examples: urine, feces)
• Germs/disease (examples: herpes, HIV)
• Environmental contaminants (examples: asbestos, radiation)
• Household chemicals (examples: cleaners, solvents)
• Dirt

02. Losing Control

• Fear of acting on an impulse to harm oneself
• Fear of acting on an impulse to harm others
• Fear of violent or horrific images in one's mind
• Fear of blurting out obscenities or insults
• Fear of stealing things

03. Harm

• Fear of being responsible for something terrible happening (examples: fire, burglary)
• Fear of harming others because of not being careful enough (example: dropping something on the ground that might cause someone to slip and hurt him/herself)

04. Obsessions Related to Perfectionism

• Concern about evenness or exactness
• Concern with a need to know or remember
• Fear of losing or forgetting important information when throwing something out
• Inability to decide whether to keep or to discard things
• Fear of losing things

05. Unwanted Sexual Thoughts

• Forbidden or perverse sexual thoughts or images
• Forbidden or perverse sexual impulses about others
• Obsessions about homosexuality
• Sexual obsessions that involve children or incest
• Obsessions about aggressive sexual behavior towards others

06. Religious Obsessions (Scrupulosity)

• Concern with offending God, or concern about blasphemy.
• Excessive concern with right/wrong or morality.

07. Other Obsessions

• Concern with getting a physical illness or disease (not by contamination e.g., cancer)
• Superstitious ideas about lucky/unlucky

Common Compulsions in OCD:


01. Washing and Cleaning

• Washing hands excessively or in a certain way
• Excessive showering, bathing, tooth brushing, grooming or toilet routines
• Cleaning household items or other objects excessively
• Doing other things to prevent or remove contact with contaminants

02. Checking

• Checking that you did not/will not harm others
• Checking that you did not/will not harm yourself
• Checking that nothing terrible happened
• Checking that you did not make a mistake
• Checking some parts of your physical condition or body

03. Repeating

• Rereading or rewriting
• Repeating routine activities (examples: going in or out doors, getting up or down from chairs)
• Repeating body movements (example: tapping, touching, blinking)
• Repeating activities in "multiples" (examples: doing a task three times because three is a "good", "right", "safe" number)

04. Mental Compulsions

• Mental review of events to prevent harm (to oneself, others, to prevent terrible consequences)
• Praying to prevent harm (to oneself, others, to prevent terrible consequences)
• Counting while performing a task to end on a "good", "right", or "safe" number
• "Cancelling" or "Undoing" (example: replacing a "bad" word with a "good" word to cancel it out)

05. Other Compulsions

• Collecting items which results in significant clutter in the home (also called hoarding)
• Putting things in order or arranging things until it "feels right"
• Telling, asking, or confessing to get reassurance
• Avoiding situations that might trigger your obsessions

Take care,

vertebrae

I marked a few in that list. (o) means occassionally.

I marked off:

Obsessions

Fear of violent or horrific images in ones mind.

Fear of being responsible for something terrible happening (such as I forgot to check something and then i think of the bad things that can happen because I forgot to do that one thing).

Fear of harming others because of not being careful enough (o)

Concern about evenness or exactness

Concern with a need to know or remember

Fear of losing or forgetting important information when throwing something out

Inability to decide whether to keep or to discard things (I really have to think about whether or not they are important or not).

Forbidden or perverse sexual thoughts or images (o)

Forbidden or perverse sexual impulses about others (o)

Obsessions about aggressive sexual behavior towards others (o)

Concern with getting a physical illness or disease (o)

Compulsions

Well, the constant cleaning of nails wasn't in there, so I don't know if that counts, but I'm always cleaning my nails to the point where of pulled the skin from under the nail off of the nail.

Checking that nothing terribled happened, or can happen

Checking that you did not make a mistake

Rereading or rewriting (to make sure I saw exactly what I saw, or wrote exactly what I meant to write)

Praying to prevent harm (o). Not the typical religious prayer, I don't do those, it's more like a mantra (if I used that right), nothing specific though.

"Cancelling" or "Undoing" (I won't say bye very often, it makes me feel like i'll never see them again, and if anything death or harm related is said, I have to think of good things to counteract the bad thought, but I usually don't allow the talking of death or harm to happen)

Putting things in order or arranging things until it "feels right" (everything has to be where it's meant to be, such as all the lotions and perfumes where they need to be, or my oils all in the same place facing the same way in an alternating order, but i'm not a neat freak).

Telling, asking, or confessing to get reassurance


Those were all the things that I could find I relate to, without overthinking it too much (I may have unintentionally over-exaggerated some of the things)

I don't know if they indicate something, or not. Just figured you'd like to know what I decided to mark off. . . .

If you'd like to know some of my minor "quirks" that I do, you can just pm me and I'll tell you.

Best to you, and thank you for the information.