[PaintTheRoses88]

I really need some insight into this situation. I've researched it. I've educated myself on OCD and depression, but I can't seem to convince my boyfriend (age 23) that he needs help. He has to make the choice to get help, I know this. But he refuses. He thinks it's useless or he's afraid they'll lock him up. Lately, it seems that he just thinks it's everyone else, namely his family, who has the problem.

Basically, he has a huge problem with germs and hygiene. Anything he thinks is "dirty" is nearly beyond salvaging, including people. He deems his parents and younger sister to be very dirty so he will not touch them, at all. This has also led to him refusing to touch the doorknobs so he can't get outside on his own without someone opening the door for him. He also won't use the washer or dryer to even wash his own clothes because he saw his father put a rug soiled by the dog in there. He won't drive his own truck ever since his grandfather took a nap in there. The man was staying with them during his recovery from a partial colectomy, so he had some bowel control issues but nothing to indicate he had an episode within the truck. And his hands...I almost want to cry whenever I see them. They look like crocodile skin.

I know he can't help it, but it still hurts whenever he demands that I shower just because his father brushed up against me. Or he'll demand I scrub my lips if I would happen to touch my lips with hands he viewed as unclean. I resist and then it starts an argument in which he viciously accuses me of not caring about him or taking into account how much being unclean bothers him. He's told me that when he's not clean, he doesn't feel secure. But I don't know how much cleaner one can get when he's scrubbing off the first couple layers of skin several times a day. The OCD has driven this wedge between us and it is so heartbreaking to see him full of so much anxiety and anger.

I love him very much and I don't want to abandon him, but the situation has taken its toll on me as well. It's exhausting and frustrating. We live four hours apart right now, so the only communication we have is via phone (his computer is now "dirty" so instant message, facebook, and email are out of the question). He rarely answers or returns my calls and he has stopped calling me. When I do speak to him, he is so cold and distant, if not irate and thoughtless towards me. I feel like he's withdrawing from the world and pushing everyone away. His family doesn't seem to know what to do either. They have also suggested he get some help to no avail.

He expects me to just "accept him as he is", but he has an illness which has completely consumed him and made it impossible for him to live his life. I understand it might always be there, but it just doesn't make sense to me that he would try to do nothing about it. He can't live his life like this to say nothing of carrying on a relationship with me. I resent the OCD and depression for taking him away from me. If I resent him, it's only because I feel he's letting it happen. But then I feel guilty because I can't possibly understand what he's going through. I realize his mental health is not my responsibility, but he's my boyfriend and one of my best friends. I want to be with him, I want him in my life. I don't want to give up on him or us. We've been together for over four years and most of that time things were great. But things have hit such an all-time low that walking away seems to be the only option. I will do that if I have to, but, obviously, it's the last thing I want to do.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach him or make the idea of therapy more...appealing? Because I've run out of ideas and I'm running out of steam.

[lynn P.]

(((PaintTheRoses88))) - I'm sorry it so painful to see your BF suffering and I'm sorry he's sick. I agree your BF needs medical intervention. Has he ever had therapy or tried medication or has his family ever taken him for help?? Is he willing to look at web links? I think the wise thing to do - would be to talk to his family and tell him he needs to visit his doctor and you/family will take him.

There's a good book called 'My Life In Rewind' by Dr. Micheal Jenike written about Edward Zines the famous football player who's life was consumed by OCD. He literally wasn't functioning at all and he would have to count to 1,500 perfectly before he did anything. On some Edward Zines on Good Morning America a few years ago and he said Micheal Jenike changed his life for the better in a drastic way.

Your BF needs to be stabilized first because there is no reasoning with him ATM. It doesn't matter if you/anyone makes perfect sense it won't register in his mind. Here's are some links for the book and OCD and I pray your BF gets the right help:

http://www.capecodonline.com/apps/pb...335/-1/NEWSMAP

http://www.harpercollins.com/authors..._MD/index.aspx

http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/patient/adult/ocd.php

[PaintTheRoses88]

Thanks lynn p. I will definitely look into those links. I've already placed that book and some others about OCD on hold at my library.

He has never received treatment for the OCD. He's never been this bad. He's had issues with depression his whole life kind of off and on. It's apparently something which runs in his family as well. His mother alluded to him being "on medication" and she said something about him needing to go back on medication when I told her about how bad the OCD was getting in college. He even told me himself he used to take anti-depressants when he was younger, which I was confused about because I didn't think most of them were approved for use with adolescents. But he said he got addicted and had to stop. It's not something he likes to talk about much and I don't push him to talk about it.

He's always been a little "germophobic", but nothing so extreme to the point where he couldn't function in an all-male dorm and honors house in college. The turning point seemed to be when it was discovered one of my roommates in my on-campus apartment didn't wash her hands after using the restroom. It's like a switch was flipped inside him. He was already dealing with depression then, so I don't know if that just gave the OCD an outlet or what. This was near the end of our senior year of college, which was last year. So it's been going on and steadily getting worse for a year now. Another point worthy of note is that at the end of junior year he became severely ill with infectious colitis due to E.coli food poisoning. He ate a bad burger at our own college diner and I ended up taking him to the hospital where he was admitted for a full week of aggressive antibiotics and pain medication. It took him nearly all summer to recover, but none of these issues manifested then.

I highly doubt he will look at web links especially since he won't touch his computer. He becomes indignant at the mere mention of him needing help. I don't know if he views it as a personal failing on his part and just doesn't want to acknowledge it. I know he doesn't want anyone to think he's crazy, and I don't think he's crazy, but he is sick. His mother is an RN, so I was hoping she would be doing more to contact mental health professionals. But now it seems like the family has just...resigned him to be their "dirty secret". And I'm four hours away, so my influence is somewhat limited. I may send a message to his older sister who I am friends with on fb. She lives in her own place but still fairly close to him and the rest of the family. Sometimes it just feels like I'm the only one left fighting for him, though.

[ocdtalk]

I am so sorry you are going through this heartache and that you and your BF are suffering so much. You obviously care deeply for him. While you are right that having OCD is not his fault and not in his control, how he chooses to deal with it IS in his control. By going along with his unreasonable requests, you are actually enabling his OCD. I know this because my son suffered from severe OCD.......he is about your age now. He finally received the right treatment.....Exposure Response Prevention Therapy - the same therapy that is discussed in My Life in Rewind (the book that was recommended to you). That therapy literally saved his life and he is doing really well now - with no meds. If you'd like info as to how to find a competent therapist I have a blog on wordpress called ocdtalk where I talk about Dan's story and recovery. If your BF won't go to a therapist, there are even self-help books you could get (library, bookstore) that may help you help him. But continuing on as is is going to take more of a toll on you and also fuel your BF's OCD. Good Luck. You are in my thoughts.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Originally Posted by ocdtalk

I am so sorry you are going through this heartache and that you and your BF are suffering so much. You obviously care deeply for him. While you are right that having OCD is not his fault and not in his control, how he chooses to deal with it IS in his control. By going along with his unreasonable requests, you are actually enabling his OCD. I know this because my son suffered from severe OCD.......he is about your age now. He finally received the right treatment.....Exposure Response Prevention Therapy - the same therapy that is discussed in My Life in Rewind (the book that was recommended to you). That therapy literally saved his life and he is doing really well now - with no meds. If you'd like info as to how to find a competent therapist I have a blog on wordpress called ocdtalk where I talk about Dan's story and recovery. If your BF won't go to a therapist, there are even self-help books you could get (library, bookstore) that may help you help him. But continuing on as is is going to take more of a toll on you and also fuel your BF's OCD. Good Luck. You are in my thoughts.

Thanks! Yeah, I know I shouldn't have acquiesced to his demands to scrub up, but I felt like there was no other choice if we had to be some place or get something done. And then when I would refuse, he would become extremely upset and tell me I must not care about him. He knew it was irrational, but he said I should still do it because it would make him feel better even when I would tell him it's not really helping him at all. I've been reading that book and it's really opened my eyes up to how the continual reassurance just breeds the need for more reassurance. It's just so hard not to give in when you see a grown man in the grip of a tear-striken panic attack. I wanted to do anything to make him feel better. I chose the short-term solution over the long-term and now I'm paying the price for it, unfortunately. Things have gotten so much worse for him.

And he's depressed as well. He feels very hopeless about his life in general and I haven't spoken to him in days. It's made me very anxious and worried about him. I posted another thread about further problems with communication and depression. I've decided I'm going to compose a letter laying out my concerns and, well, giving him an ultimatum. Either he agrees to get some help which I will do everything in my power to make sure he gets...or I will have to leave the relationship for my own well-being. It's not what I want to do, obviously, but it's become my only option.

But thanks a lot for the kind words and support. I'll definitely check out this blog of yours. I'm very glad your son is doing well and it gives me a lot of hope for my boyfriend.

[DamianV]

Painttheroses, first off let me applaud you for being such a caring friend/girlfriend. Secondly, please keep in mind that depression is a treatable condition as is OCD so don't freak out there is hope with the right care! Lol
It appears that this situation is going to play itself out in a couple different scenarios....

1. Your BF becomes mindful of his disorder and willingly gets treatment for it.
2. These things have an inclination to get worse so if he doesn't get treatment willingly,
he will be forced to eventually once he spirals out of control.

I can't believe his mother who is an RN doesn't get more involved in her son's well-being...