[jacko558]

I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help. Also, I post this in the OCD forum because i've been told that I may be suffering from the obsessive component of OCD.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was very sexual. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing his 'lower half' against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) I was already aware of my sexuality so I don't think this was childhood curiousity, I was clearly aroused by my cat's affection, but why??! About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it against my groin the way I did considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. I mean, I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

[roads]

It sounds to me that your twelve-yr-old body got flooded with sex hormones, and your affectionate cat was around. Its cuddliest one night gave you a typically stupid pre-adolescent idea to try something with the cat, which you did, and that's that really. Nothing sexual took place. The cat wasn't harmed. You didn't discover a fetish. That night was it.

Your feelings about that night matter. The night and its events don't.

I won't tell you not to feel what you do. I understand that some people would make a big deal out of it, but I don't. I think you need to explore why you feel so badly about what happened with a therapist. All I can tell you is that I think what you did was silly, and I did silly things then too.

But now we're not twelve, and we can shake our heads at how dumb we were, or laugh at how silly ...

But I don't need to feel guilty because we were disgusting. No. Really. I don't.

I hope, if you think about it some more, maybe you won't, either.

[jacko558]

Thanks Roadie,

So I'm being ridiculous, right? I want to believe that I am. Many people have told me that what I did was normal enough for the age that I was; that I was a hormonal kid. It just bothers me so much that I was aroused by my cat in the first place; I felt an urge and I acted on it, so isn't it more than childhood curiosity? I seem to need constant reassurance for what I did, that it wasn't abnormal, that I was a kid (because trust me, I've been having a hard time seeing that I was a kid, because I was in 7th grade and since i'm only 23 the memory is still there). Also, if your partner told you something like this, would it affect the way you look at them? I'm having a hard time because I feel like i'm hiding this crucial event from my boyfriend and close friends, an event that if they knew about, they may judge me and see me differently. Or is this just irrelevant because I was a kid and why would they care about something seemingly 'insignificant' that I did as a kid? You see how I OBSESS over this constantly? I've honestly been obsessing over this since May.

Obsessing about it, hm? Do know you if you have OCD, like, have you been diagnosed? The event itself could have been precipitated by a pure obsession that lead to it being acted out... And your reaction now & needing reassurance to feel better may also be a manifestation of OCD. I won't go into my own details, but I have done some pretty silly & disgusting things when I was young that have been linked to a similar cause... It makes sense to worry about being judged, but honestly? It's nothing anyone needs to know about because it was a one time thing that means absolutely NOTHING in the context of who you are now.

[wackywidow]

I feel for you a great deal, but what you did was ... as others have said ... absolutely NOTHING. Perhaps on your next visit to the therapaist you could talk about your own present ideas on your sexuality. Who you are now is not what you were then. Our self-image does affect our sexuality, or the understanding of it. I know what it is like to be haunted by this lone incident. I am trying to deal with a similar situation because I do not have a good understanding of human sexuality, but I am working on it and it is difficult because it affects my relationship with all people. I cetainly do not want to see you fall into the same "trap" I am in. Good luck to you.