[atomicc]

I'm not sure if this is related to my OCD, though I do suspect that it is. I am constantly consumed by anxiety over being perfect. I think that I have to get everything done, despite any odds and if I do not than I am weak. I think to myself.. "well I'm sure plenty of other people have anxiety and grief and they still go to school and get straight A's and go to work every day and don't ever need time off".
When I feel overwhelmed I feel like less of a person. I feel that I'm just taking a cop out. Why shouldn't I be able to handle it all? I know that somewhere in me I know that I do so much for someone in my position. Someone who is mentally unwell and now dealing with grief but still..

I still think I should be doing more.
Does anyone else with OCD or otherwise feel this way? Do you ever punish yourself if you're not absolutely amazing at everything you do?

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Yes. :\

Basically. I've been told many times that I am "too hard" on myself. |: I guess it's true. You know what, though? It doesn't half push me, and because of it, I'm better at certain things that I otherwise would likely not be.

Oh, and welcome to PC!

[atomicc]

It's good to know someone else feels the same! I completely agree that is has also pushed me in ways I think many other people don't bother with. It's just torture when I end up not doing all that perfect..

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I am too hard on myself. I get extremely frustrated and down when I have troubles with things that used to or should be "easy". And I am really bad at not only punishing myself, but for ridiculously extensive periods of time. However, I rarely feel guilty when I am so overwhelmed and stressed that I need a break. Everybody gets to that point and I have managed to actually learn that I am more productive and a better person when I give in to needing some de-stressing.

[Stockbroker]

This is common, but through practicing mindfulness you can learn to "observe" your thoughts rather than identify with them. Also focus on breathing well. Observe breathing in and out (do this when your mind is racing) it will distract you and bring you into the present moment.

Try and smile often

[neutrino]

Yes. According to my therapist I'm too hard on myself (a lot of people have told me the same thing over the years). I have quite a bit of a problem with perfectionism and I'm afraid of failure. It's seriously not uncommon for me to think that I don't deserve to live if I can't achieve what I want to achieve. I hate myself when I fail things (studies for example). Everything has to be perfect.

[Grey Matter]

I am a total perfectionist, and it's horrible. I feel if I don't do every little thing I strive at perfectly, that I have no hope. I punish myself by letting myself self-sabotage. It's so exhausting, in reality no one can be perfect at everything. But it stays in your head.

[falsememory7]

Although it sounds crazy (I might be the craziest person you'll meet, but that's why i'm here, right? haha) maybe try to cherish all of the "imperfect" things you believe you do, or all of the "imperfections" you believe you have (in quotations, because you are the epitome of imperfectly perfect), because if everything is perfect, then what would you have to compare to? How would you value your personal wins in life, if you never have anything else to compare it to?

[SeekingZen]

atomicc,

Hi & welcome to PC I can relate to the perfectionist thing, even though I think I am better about it than I used to be. So there's hope!

I've been told I'm too hard on myself as well, & I can also relate to self-sabotage that Teen idle mentioned. I've been struggling with that quite a bit lately. When I am working on a project I become overwhelmed with the thought/fear that this just isn't good enough and I can't move forward. We can't be good at everything, obviously, but it can be hard to just let something be good enough sometimes. If you know what I mean.

I agree with stockbroker's mindfulness suggestion. It takes practice, but it helps center me. Another thing I try to do is ask myself if this will matter a month from now, a year from now, etc. If the answer is no, I tell myself that I have done the best that I can do at this moment in my life; it may not be the best I could do under different circumstances, but it's OK, and that's good enough. It was hard for me to put this into practice the first few times, but it did work. I still had anxiety about it (let's be real) but I made myself learn to let some things go.

I hope you find something like that that works for you.

Peace.

[PerfectionObsession]

My obsession with perfectionism is a definite manifestation of OCD. I am so glad I know it now; it took over a decade for me, or anyone else, to realize this because I never sought help. When I was young, in my teens and early twenties, I mostly obsessed with perfectionism towards things like my appearance or image, doubting my peers liked or accepted me, very teenage type of stuff but of course way out of proportion to the angst of the average person, which caused me to have an eating disorder and compulsively exercise every day to the point that I almost killed myself from lack of nutrition and exhaustion. This need for perfection also caused major social anxiety and depression for me that soon lead to self harming, and finally I took to abusing alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy. However, by my mid-twenties, I began to push away from the substance abuse in an effort to get my life back on track. I enrolled in university part time, was writing freelance part time for music websites as an interviewer and reporter/reviewer, AND working full time at my day job in the international travel industry. People thought I was insane for tackling so much at once, but I felt proud and even liked that people thought I was kind of superhuman, after being a messed up individual for so long.
Suddenly my striving for perfection turned towards academics and my career. On the outside this was a brilliant evolution of my existence. To everyone, it looked like I was a new person with a bright future and a really exciting life and exciting friends and contacts all around the world and in the music industry! The truth was, I was still VERY ill. I was doing productive things on the outside, but on the inside I was driving myself past the brink of sanity. I could go on and on with the exact specifics of what was going through my head, or the ridiculous compulsive checking and doubting behaviour with every task I did at work, school, my writing gigs, but I would take forever to finish this reply post because on a "Bad Day" I can take HOURS to write the most simple paragraph because I obsess over it not being good enough. EVER. You know, one of the moments that made me realize I had "lost it," was one day at my desk in the office, I re-wrote at least ten times, a Post It note. All it said was some simple, short instruction for my co-worker to read later, and I was so FRUSTRATED because every time I wrote it down on the Post It, it looked "ugly" to me. The way I crossed my T's or dotted my I's. Like... what the eff?! It's a stupid Post It note!!! That's when I first really started to admit to myself something was wrong...
I am currently on my 4th week of Cipralex, and I am soooooo grateful and amazed that so far it seems to REALLY be improving my perfection obsessions. Not saying it would work for everyone of course, but for me, so far I can't believe the positive changes. I wrote 3 pages of an article yesterday, when it would have taken me A WEEK OR MORE to do the same amount of writing. As someone who wants so badly to be a professional writer and author "when I grow up," I can't even explain to you how relieved I am that I can finally WRITE again without being paralyzed in absolute, irrational fear. 5 years of having the worst Writer's Block ever. That's what I thought it was... until it caused me to have a nervous breakdown where I had to quit my job because I could no longer work because of it. So here I am now, have not worked for 3 months, have been on meds for 1 month, starting therapy tomorrow. I can't believe I have suffered since I was a child, but I am so happy to be on the right road now, recovering!!!! I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever have any questions about my experience with perfectionism, I am more than happy to help "compare notes" or give advice. Now here is a real test to see if my obsession is getting better... I am going to submit this reply, and then count to see how many times I feel compelled to re-read what I just wrote to check for grammar, punctuation, spelling errors or if I said something inappropriate or unintentionally insulting or if did not explain myself well enough!

[PerfectionObsession]

Originally Posted by PerfectionObsession

My obsession with perfectionism is a definite manifestation of OCD. I am so glad I know it now; it took over a decade for me, or anyone else, to realize this because I never sought help. When I was young, in my teens and early twenties, I mostly obsessed with perfectionism towards things like my appearance or image, doubting my peers liked or accepted me, very teenage type of stuff but of course way out of proportion to the angst of the average person, which caused me to have an eating disorder and compulsively exercise every day to the point that I almost killed myself from lack of nutrition and exhaustion. This need for perfection also caused major social anxiety and depression for me that soon lead to self harming, and finally I took to abusing alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy. However, by my mid-twenties, I began to push away from the substance abuse in an effort to get my life back on track. I enrolled in university part time, was writing freelance part time for music websites as an interviewer and reporter/reviewer, AND working full time at my day job in the international travel industry. People thought I was insane for tackling so much at once, but I felt proud and even liked that people thought I was kind of superhuman, after being a messed up individual for so long.
Suddenly my striving for perfection turned towards academics and my career. On the outside this was a brilliant evolution of my existence. To everyone, it looked like I was a new person with a bright future and a really exciting life and exciting friends and contacts all around the world and in the music industry! The truth was, I was still VERY ill. I was doing productive things on the outside, but on the inside I was driving myself past the brink of sanity. I could go on and on with the exact specifics of what was going through my head, or the ridiculous compulsive checking and doubting behaviour with every task I did at work, school, my writing gigs, but I would take forever to finish this reply post because on a "Bad Day" I can take HOURS to write the most simple paragraph because I obsess over it not being good enough. EVER. You know, one of the moments that made me realize I had "lost it," was one day at my desk in the office, I re-wrote at least ten times, a Post It note. All it said was some simple, short instruction for my co-worker to read later, and I was so FRUSTRATED because every time I wrote it down on the Post It, it looked "ugly" to me. The way I crossed my T's or dotted my I's. Like... what the eff?! It's a stupid Post It note!!! That's when I first really started to admit to myself something was wrong...
I am currently on my 4th week of Cipralex, and I am soooooo grateful and amazed that so far it seems to REALLY be improving my perfection obsessions. Not saying it would work for everyone of course, but for me, so far I can't believe the positive changes. I wrote 3 pages of an article yesterday, when it would have taken me A WEEK OR MORE to do the same amount of writing. As someone who wants so badly to be a professional writer and author "when I grow up," I can't even explain to you how relieved I am that I can finally WRITE again without being paralyzed in absolute, irrational fear. 5 years of having the worst Writer's Block ever. That's what I thought it was... until it caused me to have a nervous breakdown where I had to quit my job because I could no longer work because of it. So here I am now, have not worked for 3 months, have been on meds for 1 month, starting therapy tomorrow. I can't believe I have suffered since I was a child, but I am so happy to be on the right road now, recovering!!!! I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever have any questions about my experience with perfectionism, I am more than happy to help "compare notes" or give advice. Now here is a real test to see if my obsession is getting better... I am going to submit this reply, and then count to see how many times I feel compelled to re-read what I just wrote to check for grammar, punctuation, spelling errors or if I said something inappropriate or unintentionally insulting or if did not explain myself well enough!

So, I thought I should give a humorous update... I hope you find it amusing and encouraging... a little bit at least.

As mentioned in my original post, I went to do my routine obsessive check of my written work, but hoping/intending to have the discipline to resist the urge to re-read/re-write my submission no more than once, and LOW AND BEHOLD I was completely thwarted because the New Member policy that my first 5 posts will be reviewed before making public. I had to laugh. I really did. It was a perfect punch line to my own inside joke, if you know what I mean!

It was SO liberating to witness myself not get upset about being unable to review or edit my post after submitting it upon the realization that it was not accessible to me to edit. At one point last night as I was getting ready for bed, I had only little moment of worry, but nothing like the loop of negative thoughts that would usually overwhelm me. In the past, would quite often post to chat forums (or Facebook), write a post, and then delete it an hour later after I have tormented myself about it. I had to delete my Facebook account three months ago because of how bad it was... Today however, when I re-read it just a few minutes ago, now that it is approved and public, I did NOT get my usual vicious attack of anxiety and negative thoughts about my own writing. I did not feel the frustrated dissatisfaction or shame/embarrassment or insecurities/fears I consistently had in the past, nor do I feel compelled to change or delete any of it. This. Is. HUGE. Thanks for letting me share that with you all.