[Konfuzion]

Let me start by giving you information about my childhood.When I was 8 or 10 yrs old my friend's brother used to try and insert his penis in my **** and I would let him so that I could join in their hangout group.This happened for like 3 or 4 times and I don't remember ever liking it.All I remember is how I loved girls but very very shy(which has gotten worse).I have had a lot of crushes(all on girls) up to now but I have never been in a relationship.I started watching porn when I was 8:it was only naked girls at that time.then I started watching the hardcore stuff then the genres changed.October last year I started watching tranny porn then escalated to gay porn.the last 5 or 6 months I have been watching more of the humiliating porn stuff in the gayish genre Cuckolding etc.I self dignosed with HOCD after reading up on it.my HOCD intsensity changes from time to time.when its high I give in and just say "I'm gay" then I watch more of the humiliating gay stuff then I MO.And also my HOCD is high AF everytime I smoke weed.
Now my attraction for girls is flat at the moment even for the girl I currently have a crush on because the HOCD is at an all time high.I don't find being in a relationship with a male apealling but my mind sometimes gives me doubts about that.I'm always checking out if there is any kind of attraction to males when I'm walking and there is nothing.

The other thing about me is that I'm very socially awkward.I can talk to guys about anything no stress,but I get very awkward around girls especially the ones with whom I have a posibiltiy of dating.I get shaky and all wierd.I have a couple of friends (all guys)we all attracted to girls I hope.

I have tried to quit my porn use a couple times and I have failed.The longest I have stayed PMO free is 7days.I have also come to terms with the fact that I am a porn addict.But.....

Could I be gay??WTF?what is goin on with me.I am 19 years old by the way and plz pardon my English.

[richeye]

I too had HOCD 10 years ago, and i didn't know what was going on with me. I had always masterbated to women and liked looking at women in playboy and porn in general. I also enjoyed having sex with women and not once did i ever look at a guy in a sexual way. Was i repressing my sexuality? No.

I developed pure-o ocd 10 years ago, and the first symptom was hocd. As a result, my drinking of alcohol turned me into alcoholic, but i thought drinking wasn't the problem. 'You'd drink too if you had always liked women but were turning into a homosexual'. But once i started going to AA meetings and getting sober, my hocd got under control. So i think you could be addicted to porn, which in turn may be contributing to your hocd, but this is just speculation.

Are you on medication and/or psychotherapy? These would definitely help not just your hocd but ocd in general. Anyway, take care and may the force be with you.

[DePressMe]

Konfuzion, yeah, I'm a woman so my situation is a bit different than yours. But, I just want to share a bit that you might find relevant. I've questioned my sexual orientation and even tested out all the different waters. I've self identified myself as straight, bi, lesbian and thought that my correct sexual orientation label was primarily dependent on the gender of the person that sexually aroused me. It was a little confusing when I got turned on by gay male porn and it always had a demeaning or aggressive component to it. I watched other types of porn too (usually aggressive in nature.)

Well, it's taken a long time but I have finally figured out--that for me anyway--getting turned on by different types of porn had little to do with my sexual orientation. And, being sexually aroused by gay porn did not mean I was gay. It was the violence in it that was creating all my confusion. I'm not going to go into detail, but I was sexually abused as a child and I had to go to therapy to figure it all out. I developed the violence theme as a way to overcome my shame at being a passive victim. The demeaning component had to do with my humiliation.

My mind might be a screwed up and maybe this is not really what is going on with you. But, my point is that there are many reasons to be turned on by gay and/or violent porn. But, just because it turns you on does not necessarily make you gay. Heck, I've known complete hetro men get turned on by gay porn just because it was there and they were...horny. Sorry, can't think of a better way to say that right now. I've actually had sex with a man who was 100% gay but we were drunk and it sorta just happened because both of us were just wanting to get off. It was about physical stimulation and it did not really effect or change our sexual orientation. I know your gay experience during your childhood was different than mine. But, what I'm pointing out is that engaging in a gay sexual activity does not necessarily make you gay. There is way, way more involved in your sexual orientation than those few childhood encounters. Also being turned on by gay porn does not necessarily make you gay either....our minds can make us do or want things for reasons we are totally unaware of at the time.

...keep searching and you'll get this figured out. But, in the mean time, try not to be too hard on yourself about the HOCD. Hey, when I was 19 yrs old sex was constantly on my mind(not so much now)...So, try not to get so freaked out by this that you lose all your sexual gratification because you're in a pretty intense period of your life right now.

[Konfuzion]

Thank you 4 responding.@ richeye,I am not on any medication .I just got back from the doctor and i was diagnosed with HIgh Blood Pressure,and i think its because of the stress caused by This HOCD thing coz its always on my mind 24/7.i have also been having wierd dreams lately in which i am friends with transsexuals and wanting to have sex with.i tried to reboot but only went up to 4days pmo free.i am not attracted to girls @ the moment and its killing me but i still get the strange heartbeat wehen i see the girl i have had a crush on for the past half a year(dont know if that makes sense).i am getting impatient with this hocd and feeling a little suicidal.i really need advice on overcoming this HOCD and porn addiction.i cant afford proffessional help so i 'd very much appreciate it if you dont suggest any and any medication.HELP!!!

[Feluram]

Originally Posted by Konfuzion

Thank you 4 responding.@ richeye,I am not on any medication .I just got back from the doctor and i was diagnosed with HIgh Blood Pressure,and i think its because of the stress caused by This HOCD thing coz its always on my mind 24/7.i have also been having wierd dreams lately in which i am friends with transsexuals and wanting to have sex with.i tried to reboot but only went up to 4days pmo free.i am not attracted to girls @ the moment and its killing me but i still get the strange heartbeat wehen i see the girl i have had a crush on for the past half a year(dont know if that makes sense).i am getting impatient with this hocd and feeling a little suicidal.i really need advice on overcoming this HOCD and porn addiction.i cant afford proffessional help so i 'd very much appreciate it if you dont suggest any and any medication.HELP!!!

Our mind plays evil tricks on us. You yourself say you are getting a strange heartbeat after you see your crush.

Seeing few porn doesn't change the orientation. You can be sure of that. When we get these intrusive thoughts, we don't have any control over them. So wait for sometime. Eventually you will understand these are isolated events and it shows how complex is the working of the mind.

Be safe.

[norwegianwoman]

You sound like a porn addict, yes. There's something called "the porn cycle" which is a topic gender scientists etc. are interested in. It is basically exactly what you describe - porn starts out quite innocently, mostly at a young age, then it develops and you have to watch more and more hardcore and extreme stuff to get off. They're worried about it because the extreme stuff is now available a click away and children get sucked into that spiral at a young age, so they worry that it will affect they way they look at sex and sexual relations. It's actually quite serious, it is one of the causes for increased penile dysfunction amongst young men! They are so addicted to extreme porn they can't even get it up for a real girl and for real sex anymore, they need the (violent) physical stimuli. It's also interesting because for some people it also decreases their empathy as they get sort of "numbed" to all the violence. Gender scientists of course look at it mostly in relation to how it affects men's behaviour, particularly towards women, but there's still some interesting research out there on this. You should consider seeing a therapist for the porn addiction. But liking gay porn doesn't really say anything about your sexual orientation. Some people are turned on by rape porn but would never in a million years want to be raped or rape someone. Some people are turned on by porn with old people etc. without ever having showed an affection or attraction to old people IRL. I think it applies to some voyeuristic part of us, curiousity combined with the "forbidden"/controversial appeal of it.