Moral Scrupulosity

Aghh from where do I start? Please bear with me, I will try to be as short as possible and direct. I've been previously diagnosed with Depression, OCD, Bipolar disorder and BPD to some extent... After 8 years of struggling (I am 25 now), I came to believe that it is moral scrupulosity (which may sound like a new "disorder" to many people here) that I am mainly dealing with, not the religious version, it is the MORAL one. A small example would be like you're doing an exam and accidentally caught a glimpse at your friend's paper and saw a math formula and then, you immediately remember it (at the same time) in your mind. Question: should I write it down? Oh no, you would be a cheater since you've got it from someone else (even if you convince yourself that you have actually remembered it yourself), you will cheat in your success, and therefore, your certificate would be based on cheating, and therefore, your job would be based on cheating, and therefore, your life is A LIE! Yes, this is what I am dealing with on everyday basis!

Down to my direct issues, 2 issues actually:

1) 8 years ago, during my preparation to enroll in my undergraduate studies and due to the fact that I live in a country where "connections" (intermediaries) are over skills in everything, I didn't study that much for the entrance exam. I asked someone to talk to someone who knows someone in a political party to "prioritize" my name on the list of admitted students, oh God, what have I committed? (I was mentally 100% stable at that time) 8 years after, I am now an MBA student but struggling on a SECOND-basis and feeling extremely guilty about what I have done and about this question: what if I took someone else's spot? (And he/she scored better than me in the entrance exam?) I, however, managed to know that I have actually succeeded in the exam but with an average mark (think like 10.5/20) and the director told me that he had to decrease the success average to accept more students... this, however, will never rule my question: what if I took someone else's spot? Enter OCD and magical thinking ==> my license/master are lies, my work would be a lie, my life is a big fat lie, I've committed a crime! (I am not exaggerating, please believe me, this is what is always going around in my mind). I know that a normal human being would accept the fact that he has done a mistake (that if he even considered it a mistake in the first place) and simply move on. But I cannot, I am guilty.

2) Also during my university years, I was to be graduated very soon and having my final courses, there was a course where the doctor recognized my writing style and asked me to come to his home to solve the issue that I may have not passed the exam. I showed him my exam (recognized by my writing, names are sealed), he re-corrected it and added 1 extra point to get 50/100 (I had 49). In all case, I was going to pass it even if I got 49 due to a special average calculation in our system. What have I done now? Another crime! I violated the rules of the university, my doctor has also done the same. This also contributes to the "chain of lie" of mine ===> license/master based on a lie => work is a lie => whole life is a big fat lie.

Every breath I breathe, every step I take in my life, every road I take, I think of these 2 "crimes" (again, not exaggerating with the term), I know that there is no way to go back and fix the past but what can I do? I am trying so hard to accept the reality and move on but I cannot, I have taken antidepressants and antipsychotics before without any success, I also followed some online courses of CBT, ERP and DBT, worked for a while, never ultimately successful however due to the strong feelings of guilt. I am a good person, I have a good work experience, I am doing my masters now, I am peaceful, I support rights and ethics, I am not religious however (I do believe in God but in my own way) so please, and especially for those who are suffering from religious scrupulosity, no need to talk about the religion side, I care more about morals. Even if I had not done anything wrong, it is just that I did it in the bad way, everything has to be perfect according to ethics... perfectionism in an issue but ethical perfectionism is a BIG issue. How much I needed to vent out, thank you for listening.

i know you know you are beating yourself up. and on both your issues you point out that your scores would have qualified you anyway so you have the right to be there so you have attempted to convince yourself otherwise. you just have set your moral bar so high that you are unable to forgive yourself.

i am a professional and ethics are part of my profession. they guide my profession actually. but they are ethical guidelines meaning they are open for interpretation. different situations mean things need to be handled differently. there are exceptions to every rule. you state that connections are most important in your country. that is an exception to the rule. you followed the rule of your country. you did what needed to be done in order to get into school to become the best professional you can be.

this is where CBT comes in and learning to look at things differently. you are using catastrophic thinking when labeling what you have done as a crime. this is a thinking error. focus instead on making the best of your advantages and giving back to society because of what you have gained. take joy in giving. it will be your penance in a way.

Thank you for the reply. Well, the thing is, in either ways, I've done them in the wrong way and through the wrong path. Suppose that you cheat on your driving license exam and you get the license, I have this magical thinking which implies that - whatever you do based on your driving from now on - would be a lie, means not acceptable, means not right, means you had no right, etc... can't really explain it :/

I am helpless, I went with myself too far, can't really know how to dig my way out again...

Any other comments would be really appreciated.

i think you are over thinking the whole thing, you yourself must know you are a good person, but you won't let this go. maybe it is part of a pshycological thing, if you have a "problem". I'm not saying you do but it could be something where you just are stuck at. This situation doesn't sound bad, you did what you could and you should forgive yourself first. I hope you can and things get better!

Indeed... forgiving myself and accepting reality is what I should try to do now...

Firstly, what you express indicates that you're a good person, and no human to date has been morally perfect.
I think you should change your overall attitude, or else I believe the same anxiety will continue manifesting itself in different forms according to your current thoughts.

In the recent past, I actually felt bad when realizing that I had not understood a topic sufficiently well.
Today, what matters to me is not how I've passed a course (for which I care), but instead whether I've actually understood the content.

And I think it helps if you affirm life; it you affirm life as something beautiful, sacred, worth of living, etc... then you may actually find yourself accepting the dark aspects altogether as well!

Here's the thing about OCD thoughts like these. The more you seek reassurance, the more you go over and over in your head what has happened, the more you are telling your brain, "yes! This! Be upset about this!" You are reinforcing it. There are two parts to dealing with an obsessional theme. One is to let the thought come in and just ignore it. Don't "swat" at it. Don't combat it. Don't do any ruminating on it. The other is direct exposure, where you set aside a time to attack it by beating it in it's attempts to scare you. An example would be to say something like "welll, yes, of course I am fake and my whole life is a lie. I am probably the most dishonest person who has ever lived...." this part is extremely difficult and should probably done with a therapist. The idea is that you get your brain so desensitized to the thought that it can't scare you anymore. These are hard things, but from what I have found, they seem to be the only thing that works. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have the religious form and it's the most excruciating thing I've ever gone through. The thing about OCD is that whatever your particular theme is, it is horrific to you. I hope you can move past this and enjoy your life.