[Maven]

I actually have a lot to "get out," but I'm also too worn out to just spill it, as much as I'd like to. My OCD and panic disorder are acting up majorly lately, and while part of it is dealing with the cats I mentioned in the pets forum (I am contacting some of the suggested organizations today), the other thing that is overwhelming me is the mess that is our house. ("Our" being my boyfriend and I.) He talks about getting it cleaned up, but we never set up a date or time, and he's almost always at work, church, vacation, trips and family visits, or just on his computer, in his office. I feel stressed all the time now. My OCD makes doing the clean-up really complicated, and I doubt I can even handle it physically and mentally, but I want to get it done, or, better yet, move to a new house and start over (not likely to happen, due to lack of funds). I'd like to get all my stuff out, dusted as necessary, get the house cleaned by professionals, and bring my stuff back in. Truthfully, I need a bigger house, because almost everything I own is stuffed into my room... If I had my own place and it was bigger than this one, I could set things up so that I could get what I need when I need it. Most of my stuff is in plastic bins. I don't even have much room on my bed to sleep and change position comfortably. I want to cry, but I can't seem to cry much anymore, even though I feel like it. My boyfriend gets irritated with me when I talk about it and press him for action in coming up with a solution. I understand he has none, but I need us to figure out something.

Vented more than planned. Sorry about that. Just want to scream. Tired of living in a house with so much trash.

[LovelyMinded]

Darling are you seeing anyone? Start small. 15 minutes. Is there trash that can be cleaned up? Dishes to be done? Mail to be sorted? Start very small. 15 minutes. Sending love and well wishes

OCD sucks, i get you. hang in there.

[avlady]

you sound determined it most likely will be done sooner or later. start small baby steps. i have the same problem, my husband buys junk and leaves it around the house til each spring, then we get rid of it.

[Maven]

Thanks, but the problem with starting small is that I'd have to go through an elaborate washing ritual (including a shower) after each day of cleaning, and I can't handle that mentally or physically. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm in really poor shape physically.

Yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, whom I've been seeing for several years now. All he does (all ANY of the pdocs I've ever seen did) is prescribe me pills. The meds help, but they steal away my sex drive and make me numb.

The cats are another problem and my own fault. I love them, make no mistake, but I never should have started feeding them. Plus, we shouldn't have taken the 2nd one in. I gave into my heart on that one. The first was because she got injured and needed care. But she could have been returned to the outdoors when she recovered.. Still, feeding all of them is taking a toll on my OCD and my finances.

I have asked my pdoc for advice, but he offers none. Just meds. I am not opposed to meds in general, but they don't help that much, and the side effects take so much from me.

Thank you for your help. I'm not trying to poo-poo your ideas. It's just a really difficult situation. I NEED to change my bedsheets, but can't because I have nowhere to move the stuff on my bed. I have no places in my home where I can breathe, relax and be creative.

And today I turn 47. If only I could be young and beautiful forever, and healthy in all ways. I hate getting older.

[LovelyMinded]

I wish I could come help you. I understand why that feels overwhelming. Happy birthday to you. Is your bedroom far from an exit? Could boyfriend move items outside to give you the chance to change sheets (and conquer anything else while you are at it since a shower after is likely already on the agenda?) and bring them back after you are finished? Don't worry about shooting down the ideas. Your hear for support, I'm not deterred love to you

[Maven]

Thanks, LovelyMinded. The house isn't that big, but you have to go to the middle of it from my bedroom and then back the same way around the wall and through the kitchen to get out. There's nowhere he could take my stuff safe for my OCD, plus the stuff on my bed is in mesh laundry cubes, so, to take the stuff out, it would have to be put in sturdier containers (which can be done). There's nowhere outside to safely put my stuff. Especially in this weather (rainy right now, turning to 6-9 inches of snow later).
The whole house is such a mess (and not all of it is my doing, for the record), tissues and fallen bottles everywhere, magazines my boyfriend never got rid of after reading, dust, dust, and dust! If I had the money, I'd buy a new house and people to keep it clean. But I have a very small chance of that.

[Turtlesoup]

Hi Maven-I have been where you are at many times (I'm now 52 btw). My first husband & I both hoarded (back when know one knew what that or OCD even was) & we had a very terrible situation-bad bad bad. I would take vacations from work & clean & throw away for 2 weeks but it always came back. We had to abandon our first home as it was not possible to try & sell it-it has since been torn down. We moved into a brand new clean house & about a year later bam it was all coming back-had 2 huge storage buildings etc. Terrible. Anyway after much therapy especially CBT, some meds & extreme life changes to improve my situation I no longer hoard & my OCD is usually pretty manageable-I recommend you ask your pdoc for a tdoc referral because I think therapy is key to treating this type of thing. Also you need to have adequate space to live sounds like your current situation is a bit unfair. Please take care & let us know how you are doing

[Maven]

Thanks Turtlesoup, I just turned 47 on the 4th, so we're not far apart in age. I don't think I'm a hoarder, nor my boyfriend. In my case, my boyfriend bought this house out of desperation because his first two choices quickly sold before he had a chance to get them, without talking to me first. My OCD wasn't happy with this house, and the short version is, since it didn't feel fully "clean" to me, if I dropped something on the floor or missed the trash, I couldn't pick it up. My boyfriend never got around to helping with cleaning up (he hadn't in our apartments, either, but I had less of a problem with them because they were "cleaner" to me), which he admits to laziness. I've gotten lazy myself because of how overwhelmed I feel, but also because I've gained quite a bit of weight. I'm working on losing weight, but I've only just started. As the trash collected on the floor, it just took over. And it's not all me, which my boyfriend will tell you, because he's thrown magazines into piles that he never threw away. His office is full of stacks of mail, folders, trash (not mine) and more. My issues with dust make cleaning very difficult, because any shifting of the trash will release dust in the air and onto my "clean" things.

Another problem you mentioned is correct: I need more space for my things. Almost everything I own is in my small bedroom, except for clothes and a bin I have in the living room to hold and keep clean things like diet sodas, notebooks, tissues, etc. Almost everything I own (mostly books) is in bins (now I can't get into them because I got behind in the cleaning) and anytime I wanted something in them (before they got dusty), I'd have to dig for it. I am so tired of it all, but my OCD is too strong. I've been better and I've been worse. My OCD doesn't stay at one level.

[Maven]

Oh, and I've had tdocs. Not one of them (I've had MANY) ever did CBT. I mentioned it to one, and he said, "Ok, touch that bookshelf behind you." So I did, and when I explained I was already "dirty" just by being there (back then, medical, psychological, and some other offices were dirty to me), he just went back to asking me how I was and how my meds were working (a nurse practitioner or a process, depending on the times I was there, would also prescribe meds). He offered no other help.

[Maven]

Process = pdoc (stupid auto-correct)

[Turtlesoup]

Hi Maven-I get the whole dropping it & then it's dirty can't pick it up-have dealt with that kind of stuff too-bleh. My current therapist was in a list of referrals I got from my primary MD-I looked up the different ones on the list & most had websites that listed the type of therapy-I found several that specialized in OCD using CBT among other things. I know it's trial & error finding a good fit but it really can help. Please take care & vent away when you need to

[Maven]

Thanks, Turtlesoup. I have had one kind of therapy or another over the past 37 years, including some who claimed to specialize in OCD and panic disorder. I have been to just about every one available in my area. It's been a while that I've been seeing my current pdoc, though, so there could be new psychologists in the area. No other psychiatrists--I only went back to my current one because my previous one retired, even though I swore I'd never go back to him after how I was treated by him when I was a teenager. He is the only pdoc in my area, except for one a bit out of the way, but he won't discuss his fees over the phone, and I don't want to make an appointment that I don't know how much it's going to cost.